Little Missy

Do you have old diaries?

2009-01-27T09:27:00.001-08:00

I would love to read 'em. So if your bored and create a Cringe blog please send me the link. Old crappy teenage poetry is cool too, letters, anything. Entertain me.

The Dates

2009-01-23T13:17:00.000-08:00

This blog is posted with the original dates of the diary entries. If you want to read it from start to finish then start at the archives and scroll through that way. If you start here you will end up going backwards.

What is this Blog?

2008-11-19T18:59:00.000-08:00

So I was reading about this thing called Cringe in Bust or Bitch magazine a few months ago and wanted to do it so badly. I thought about starting my own group but decided that probably wouldn't go over very well here in Saint John. So I decided to do it as a blog instead. This also makes it so I always have a copy of this stuff.
There is a description of Cringe here. But basically this is the gist of it:

"Cringe is a monthly reading series hosted by Sarah Brown at Freddy’s Bar & Backroom in Brooklyn. On the first Wednesday of each month, brave souls come forward and read aloud from their teenage diaries, journals, notes, letters, poems, abandoned rock operas, and other general representations of the crushing misery of their humiliating adolescence. It’s better and cheaper than therapy."

I decided to type out the entries as well as scan the pages. I think the handwriting is too terrible for just the scanning, and I think the typing would not be as fun to look at. I want you to see the boy's names scrawled in the corner, or the little remarks I make to myself that cut my self-esteem.

This blog is called Littly Missy because I couldn't think of anything better. I may change that tomorrow. Basically my mom used to call me Missy when I was bitchy or did something wrong. That name reminds me of my childhood and bitchy, whiney times, just like these diary entries do. I added the "little" because it's me when I'm little. So little bitchy whiney me. Not much has changed. ;)

Here we go.

May 18, 1994

1994-05-18T02:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello, I am going to describe yesterday in better detail.
Well I was in math when Doug called my name. I turned and he told me to come here. I didn't and he asked me what question we were supposed to do on the board. I told him. Then he told me to come here again so I did. Then he asked me if I liked Superchunk. I said "yeah why?" He said "Because I have a couple songs by them. Mover and On the Mouth".
Now all this time I just wanted to die. I kept making sure i wasn't going to faint.
So then I told him what ones I had and he said that they were good so I smiled and he said "Okay thanks for listening" in a joking kind of way. I said "Yup no problem".
Then in English I was giving Holly my zines and he asked me sommething about Superchunk and I gave him their mailorder catalogue. he read it and asked if I had given it to him to keep. I said yes and he said "really?" and I said yeah and he said thanks.
Then someone asked me what the zine was. I said it was my life and he said "Your life?" In the most serious way you could imagine.
It was weird. I thought all this was great but then science was the best class I have ever had.
I came into class and was waiting for the teacher to let me use the washroom. Doug came in an dasked me if I wanted ot hear the Superchunk song. I said "Yearh just a second" and went to the washroom. At the end of class he sked me again and I went over and he gave me the headphones (the machine was still on his belt). I put them on an dhe turned it on. the song was so good. I smiled real hard so that I wouldn't make an idiot of myself and jump up and down.
Anyway while i was listening to the song I couldn't help but think of how much I loved Doug but then someone called him and he took the machine off his belt and handed it to me. That felt so weird because it was like he was giving me his life (to me music is life). So he went back with that guy and they were looking at me while they talked (I wondered what they were talking about). So when he came back the bell rang and I couldn't find the stop button I was so excited. When I gave him back the walkman I asked him what tape that was off of. It was off mower. I said "I'm getting that when I get the money". He said "it's only $10". I said "Yeah but I'm poor". He said "Yeah me too". Then I left because I had to and I haven't seen him since.
He's 17 and I'm only 15 but he was born March 25 and I was born Sept 20th so its really only a year difference.
I really love him but I hope that Jill dosn't go on the field trip on the same day as us because I would rather cut my eyes out than see him with her. It hurts to see him with her. I don't think I could live with it if I had to see them together all day at the beach on our field trip. She doesn't know how lucky she is. I don't like her so I'm not gonna wish I wa her but I wish I was in her place.
I'll really miss Doug if I don't have him love me by the end of the year. I think that I will die. I swear.

Favorite music memory ever. Even better than the time I listened to Billy Idols greatest hits while having sex and it repeated at least 7 times before we got up to turn it off.
Mower. I still don't own it. I should.
I can see now what my problem is. I find something to relate to a guy I like. Instead of using it as an in, and then showing interest in him. I obsess over the thing we are talking about and he never has any idea I'm obsessing over him in my head. *sigh* I'm bad at flirting.

May 17, 1994

1994-05-17T02:35:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite musical memories. :)

Dear Journal,
Hello today in math Doug asked me what tapes I had by Superchunk. We talked a while and then I gave him a catalogue for their music. Then he had a song by them taped an dhe let me listen to it on his walkman. I love him. he is going out with Jill but it doesn't bug me anymore. I don't care. I love him.
I hope he has the best life in the world thats all I want. I want him to be happy because I love him. I know I still want him and I may get him but I just want him to be happy.

Oh I didn't go into detail. I do that in the next entry.

May 16, 1994

1994-05-16T02:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I still love Doug but there is this other guy Brian who calls me and I only like him as a friend.
Anyway I think Doug likes me but of course I say this everyday and it doesn't come true. But I love him and I need him.
I got two CDs today and I would die if anything happened to one of them. They are Sonic Youth "Experimental Jet Set Trash and No Star" and Hole "Live Through This". Well I'll have to drop some hints to Doug and hope he takes them and likes me. So I'll see you soon.

Uh oh. This is where the story of my fucked up vagina begins.

Dirty was my first Sonic Youth Album, I got it at the same time I got my Breeders, and Smashing Pumpkins Cd's. That was the christmas of 1993.

May 11, 1994

1994-05-11T02:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I only saw Doug in one class today. Because I really miss him I think I'm gonna die.
I really wanted him to tell me he loved me. I really need that a lot. I have a speech I have to do in front of the class and I don't think I can do it. I'll fuck up majorly and I know I'll start to cry and everyone will hate me even more than they do now. I can't do it. I hurt just thinking aout it. I'd really like to die sometimes. The other times I just want to die. (I took out the really)
I have to go because its really late and I have to dream of Doug and see him in the morning.

Suicide is painless!
I don't remember being afraid of doing a speech. I don' t think I was scared to get up in front of the class, I was just scared to make an ass of myself in front of him again.

May 10, 1994

1994-05-10T02:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello, as you can see I have made a chart in the back to see what I eat because I have gained a little too much weight. I don't like the way I look and intend to change it.
Well I made a complete fool out of myself today in front of Doug. I got one of my natural highs and went crazy. I talked all this nonsense and I could tell he was fed up with me but I couldn't help myself. I tried to stop but it didn't work. I'm so pissed at myself. I hate me. I wish I could get him to like me. i wish he and I could be friends. I really love him. I have to go.

So this one time I was 5'5" , weighed 110 and thought I was fat. I wonder if this had anything to do with not feeling good enough, or anything to do with feeling stupid. I'm sure it did.
Natural highs. I still get them, I still embarass myself. They were way worse back then though. It was like I was super drunk all of the sudden, except without the stumbling and slurring.

May 9, 1994

1994-05-09T02:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I forgot to tell you about 2 weeks ago Doug lent me his sheet in class and he drove by in a car and smiled at me. I really like him.
Today in school I really missed and needed him because last night I dreamed that we were in school only it was outdoors and he was sitting beside me and he was so close and i kept wondering if he wanted me to turn so he could kiss me. So I turned and we both just sat there looking at each other. His hair was in his face and his eyes were shining out at me. They were all I could see so I wanted to just sink into them. I leaned forward and put my lips to his and when I kissed him I just felt like everything I ever worried about was gone. It was the best feeling I had ever had but then I woke up.
He looked so good in school today I just wanted him to kiss me for real. I feel like I can really feel his emotions. Like I can tell when he is sad, embarassed, etc. Not by looking but by feeling.
He has been talking to me lately. When he says my name and whatever else its like "Those were the sweetest words ever spoken to me".
Doug just makes me want to live. I was so suicidal and I still am but now I know I will never kill myself unless he really, really hurt me. Where as before I would have done it if someone looked at me the wrong way.
I'm really glad I found him. I don't know where I'd be right now if I hadn't. (Probably in an early grave.)
I guess I'll go for now but i know that when I come back next time I'll have more to say about Doug because he is my will to live. I know that's not healthy but he is.

Dreams can be pretty fucking awesome.
Suicide, not so awesome.
Feeling so strongly about someone that you get lost, awesome.
A boy being my will to live, not so awesome.

April 24, 1994

1994-04-24T02:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I have this hunger but it's not for food its for Dougs love. I've been doing everything I can to pass the time so I can see him tomorrow but it feels like time is going twice as slow. I just wanna have him be here forever alone together. I really miss him.

Is it a waste of life to dream instead of doing? What if you really enjoy it. If it's enjoyable is it really a waste?

April 21, 1994

1994-04-21T02:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello everything is different now. I feel really different than I did before. I have a lot to write but I don' t know if I'll write it all. I have been having the weirdest things flash through my head. Just stupid phrases like"My lover hates me" or "God has no friends".
Doug really makes me happy to see him. I wish we could be together. He says things in class that make me want to carry on really great conversations with him. He just seems so smart. I really like him.
Anyway I was walking through school today and I saw Corey C. I forgot how hot he was. Anyway I just wanted to grab him and have him as mine forever. But I guess thats foolish. Well I guess I won't tell you all I had to say because I forgot it. OOOps. Well I go cause I really need my rest so I can dream of Doug.

Smart and hot. Hmmmm.

March 19, 1994

1994-03-19T02:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Kurt Cobain shot himself yesterday. i can't write anymore because he was on e of my hero's and now I want it all to be gone.

My dad told me. I think he had been crying.

March 18, 1994

1994-03-18T01:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello how are you? Stupidest line in the world I know.
Well I'm bored as hell and I have only 2 days till school. I'm glad because I miss Doug so much I could puke. I mean it. I wish we were at least friends. I guess I could ask him out but thats so stupid because I'm too much of a geek or whatever the fuck you want to call me. I really have nothing to say tonight so I'm gonna just keep babbling until this page is filled hopefully it will be filled when I'm done saying this. Well maybe not but who cares because I'm gonna go anyway. So Goodbye. See ya soon.

Ya know what's funny. I still remember little things. Like Doug chose Clockwork Orange as the book he read for a project in English (I chose One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest). I rented the movie and became obsessed with it for a long time. I associated it with him...which is kind of creepy now that I think about it. I remember wondering what his opinions on the rape scene's were because they really bothered me and I didn't understand why at the time. I thought it was just the nudity that was bothering me.
I also remember his favorite poem was "Snake" by D.H. Lawrence. I pretty much peed my pants when I found out he had a favorite poem. It didn't really matter what it was about. He had a favorite, which meant he somewhat paid attention to poetry.

D. H. Lawrence

Snake

A snake came to my water-trough
On a hot, hot day, and I in pyjamas for the heat,
To drink there.

In the deep, strange-scented shade of the great dark carob-tree
I came down the steps with my pitcher
And must wait, must stand and wait, for there he was at the trough before
me.

He reached down from a fissure in the earth-wall in the gloom
And trailed his yellow-brown slackness soft-bellied down, over the edge of
the stone trough
And rested his throat upon the stone bottom,
i o And where the water had dripped from the tap, in a small clearness,
He sipped with his straight mouth,
Softly drank through his straight gums, into his slack long body,
Silently.

Someone was before me at my water-trough,
And I, like a second comer, waiting.

He lifted his head from his drinking, as cattle do,
And looked at me vaguely, as drinking cattle do,
And flickered his two-forked tongue from his lips, and mused a moment,
And stooped and drank a little more,
Being earth-brown, earth-golden from the burning bowels of the earth
On the day of Sicilian July, with Etna smoking.
The voice of my education said to me
He must be killed,
For in Sicily the black, black snakes are innocent, the gold are venomous.

And voices in me said, If you were a man
You would take a stick and break him now, and finish him off.

But must I confess how I liked him,
How glad I was he had come like a guest in quiet, to drink at my water-trough
And depart peaceful, pacified, and thankless,
Into the burning bowels of this earth?

Was it cowardice, that I dared not kill him? Was it perversity, that I longed to talk to him? Was it humility, to feel so honoured?
I felt so honoured.

And yet those voices:
If you were not afraid, you would kill him!

And truly I was afraid, I was most afraid, But even so, honoured still more
That he should seek my hospitality
From out the dark door of the secret earth.

He drank enough
And lifted his head, dreamily, as one who has drunken,
And flickered his tongue like a forked night on the air, so black,
Seeming to lick his lips,
And looked around like a god, unseeing, into the air,
And slowly turned his head,
And slowly, very slowly, as if thrice adream,
Proceeded to draw his slow length curving round
And climb again the broken bank of my wall-face.

And as he put his head into that dreadful hole,
And as he slowly drew up, snake-easing his shoulders, and entered farther,
A sort of horror, a sort of protest against his withdrawing into that horrid black hole,
Deliberately going into the blackness, and slowly drawing himself after,
Overcame me now his back was turned.

I looked round, I put down my pitcher,
I picked up a clumsy log
And threw it at the water-trough with a clatter.

I think it did not hit him,
But suddenly that part of him that was left behind convulsed in undignified haste.
Writhed like lightning, and was gone
Into the black hole, the earth-lipped fissure in the wall-front,
At which, in the intense still noon, I stared with fascination.

And immediately I regretted it.
I thought how paltry, how vulgar, what a mean act!
I despised myself and the voices of my accursed human education.

And I thought of the albatross
And I wished he would come back, my snake.

For he seemed to me again like a king,
Like a king in exile, uncrowned in the underworld,
Now due to be crowned again.

And so, I missed my chance with one of the lords
Of life.
And I have something to expiate:
A pettiness.

Taormina, 1923

March 13, 1994

1994-03-13T01:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello its March break and on the last day of school Doug did two things and I don't know if they were from hate or love. The first was in math. I was copying questions from the board and he was getting help from the teacher and he stood right in my way and smiled. He wouldn't move. I don't know if it meant "Fuck Off" or "Look at me I love you". All I know is I came home at lunch and cried.
The second thing was when we were doing Julius Caesar he stabbed me when he wasn't supposed to. I don't know if it meant he hates me or he wanted to flirt wtih me.
Anyway I've had a pretty boring March break so far and I still have a week to go. Someone called for me 2 times it was a guy. The first time I hung up because I was scared because he didn't say his name. The second time Jesse told him I wasn't home. I have to know who it is because it really gets to me. I 'm really tired and I want to go to sleep but I have to finish this page. I really want to be Dougs girl. I want him to be my guy. It really pisses me off that I'm too wimpy to do anything about it.
I guess I'll go for tonight but I'll see you when I have more to say.

I just can't think of anything to say here so I will just shake my head. Stupid Girl.

March 8, 1994

1994-03-08T01:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello it's late and I'm tired. I love Doug. I miss Doug and in school today I just wanted to love him. Wait i mean I just wanted him to love me. I only have 2 days left then I won't see him for a week and a half. I'm too tired and I just want to dream.

I remember what's coming next. Julius Caesar!

March 7, 1994

1994-03-07T01:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
I haven't written in a while I know but I've just been a complete mess. My life has been a complete mess and Doug doesn't love me and I think he is going out with Jill.
I want to be shot it hurts so much to love and not be loved.
Kurt Cobain of Nirvana is in a Coma. He was taking medicine for a flu an dhe drank liquor and they don't mix.
I need Doug. Everyday I think of him and wonder. I wonder a lot of things. It's killing me.
"Bleed in your own light, dream of your own life, and on and on, I touch my soul, I shall be free"
Well life sucks because I've done everything thats legal and moral and I have nothing left to live for except Doug S.
I'm gonna go because I'm tired of writing nothing.
"The killer in me is the killer in you"

Oh I remember this day well. She came to visit him. I think it was in typing class. That's how I found out. I even remember what she was wearing. One of those long hippy skirts and a shirt to match. *sigh* Poor me.

February 3, 1994

1994-02-03T01:20:00.000-08:00

I keep reading the first line of each entry before I type it out and it makes me blush so hard I cover my face, even though I'm all by myself. Gah!

Dear Journal,
Hello today I had a moment where I stared Doug in the eyes & he was smiling. I really love his smile. But his eyes are the best. back in the old days Frank Sinatra was famous for his blue eyes and boy were they blue. Well Dougs shine twice as much. That's the only way I can describe it I guess.
He makes me just want to be loved even though I said I never wanted to be in love again because I don't want to be hurt again. I knew love was suppossed to hurt in the end but I wasn't ready for the pain even though I thought I was. I guess no one is. But Im in love again and I can't control it. I don't think Doug loves me anymore but I still love him.
Well I got my mail order list from K Records today (is the greatest). I ordered a couple things I cut out the picturesin it they werw Lois, Mecca Normal, Tiger Trap, Pork, FYP and someone else.
I can't think of anymore but Doug today becaue I don't think he loves me anymore. Wehn he looked at me in class today I just wanted to kiss him all over, up an ddown, over and out -Roger.
I'm obsessed again I know but I can't help it. Like I've said a million times, I need him.
I have to dream tonight of his eyes and smile and way of life and everything about him so I'll go until another day when I have more to say.

For god sakes no one smile at me or I'll swallow your soul!

January 24, 1994

1994-01-24T01:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello it's the weekend and I miss doug so much. I don't think he loves me anymore. I wish he did. i really hate the fact that I can have him but am too shy to ask. It really pisses me off.
Anyway I got all my 7" and CD's I ordered. Bratmobile, Frumpies, Bikinikill, Wordcore, Heaven's to Betsy, they all Rock and Rule. Bikini Kill is the best though. I love Kathleen Hanna. She is my hero, my idol. I also got my Total Pop zines and mailed about 700 letters.
I have no more to say except I wish I had the courage to ask Doug out.

That was pretty much the best day of my life for music and change. A turning point.

January 16, 1994

1994-01-16T01:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello on Thursday I almost had my dream. Doug was going to talk to me. He came over to me during the break and started to talk but then got scared and took off. I wanted to say "Hi" but was too scared myself.
After the break he was waiting to use the stapeler and so was I but it was broken. Someone said I did it. I said I didn't & Jokingly he said to me "We don't believe you". Then smiled. I smiled back and almost died because I wanted to grab him and crush him into me until we were one person. I really need for this to work.
I've never asked anyone out before but I think I'll ask him out if I can get up enough nerve. I'm just too shy. But so is he.
I wish I could ask him out. I really love him & I want to be with him. I'm going to go now because I need to get lots of sleep for when I see him tomorrow.

Holy fuck this is so cute. Sickening...but cute.
It is also very sad. Not only because I didn't have the self esteem or think I was good enough when I was 15, but because I still don't.
But still, I can't stop giggling and smiling.

January 12, 1994

1994-01-12T01:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I really need Doug more every day. We like the same kinds of books & the same kind of people. I love him. He is different from other guys he doesn't just go alone with the male image. I really love that about him.

Uh oh! Don't let your guard down!

January 5, 1994

1994-01-05T00:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I heard them talking in Biology again and I still don't know if they are talking about me. I wish they are. I wish Doug asks me out. I really love him but I'm scared to ask him. I've never asked someone out before even with all the people I've gone out with. Well Goodbye.

And I still haven't! I'm still that wimpy.

January 2, 1994

1994-01-02T03:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
I have so much to say but nothing to say its weird. I'm weird. Life is weird.
Well I still love Doug and get to see him on the 4th.
(<--- see that)
I just read the other page and realized how much that explains my life. Dreams. I mean sometimes I dream that me and Doug are in love and going out and then Ill think it's real and expect him to come over and hold me in class.
Sometimes I dream of friends and wake up to none. I dream of living and wake up to death.
it scares me because sometimes I think that I will never have a friend when that's the only thing I need just one friend who understands who I am.
I don't have any dreams just broken ones that get crushed even more everytime someone steps over them to step on my heart. I'm so scared of being a nobody that I can't be somebody. i don't normally like affection but everyday I need someone to kiss my forehead and tell me it's alright. All i need is for someone to love me and be there just to let me know I'm being thought of.
I can't cry because I don't have the emotional energy. I go back to school in two days and Im scared everyone will hate me. I'm scared they will make fun of me and laugh at me and scream at me. I have to get rid of this stupid thing. I need to be happy but I can't. I've tried but I just end up faking it and feeling worse.
I want Doug but I don't even know him. I'm tired of being without him, I need him but am too scared to tell him Too scared to have my last bit of pride taken away if he doesn't love me.

December 7th, 1993

1993-12-07T03:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello, I try to get Doug to love me but he wont & why should he when all the other girls are far far better.
I try to make him notice me but I don't know how. I really love him. Its almost the same love I felt for Kevin. I'm going to change the subject but only because its important.
Lately i have been having anxiety attacks and a lot of them! One in almost every class Doug is in. I don' t know why but also I have been hearing voices in my head screaming at me telling me to do this and that.
I babble to myself all the time. I hear songs playing constantly in my head. I'm scared because these are symptoms of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia can also cause people to have hallucinations, delusions (weird false beliefs that have no basis really). or an inablity to think clearly. I have all thes too. It scared me. I get upset with what the evil people do to one another. I wish I could live in the woods alone with Doug to love me. I'm so scared and so vulnerable i can't live alone.
Everyone would be better off if I was dead.
One schizophrenic named Michael said something that reminded me exactly of me. "Everyone has their point of view. I haven't been in school since ninth grade and generally kids who go to school are meshed together with everyone else, supposed to become like everyone else, and I haven't so what I say may sound eccentric. My whole life consists of spirituality, meditation, prayer. I belong back in the 17th, 18th, 19th Centrury. There was more individuality back then. Like Megadeath they talk about it. They mention limits, limit your creativity, something like that , America's based on money thes days, every car looks like every other car, everything has to sell something else. Everyone gets filled with information so they can be the same, have the same house, make their kids be the same and their kids and their kids."
I think that is so awesome. I have to go soon so I will end talking about Doug because I really miss him and Love him. I need to dream of him tonight or i won't be able to live. Dreams are all I've got and I'm not about to give them up. If I ever had to i'd kill myself because it's the only way I can tell Doug I love him, the only way I can have him hold me. Goodbye.

Apparently those voices are called "radiohead". I used to have a few halucinations as well. I once ate a piece of cake that wasn't really there. I used to see this guy with dark hair, dark jeans and a black and red striped sweater. He used to not really talk, but give me looks that made me feel better, loved.
Apparently this is some mild for of schizophrenia that can happen in teens and goes away when they grow up. I'm still pretty fucking paranoid, but not schizo...I don't think.

December 3, 1993

1993-12-03T03:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I really want to feel Doug holding me. I need to feel him loving me. In English the other day I was late and he said "How come your so late we were just in typing" (typing is across the hall)
I said "what" and he said "Nothing, hi!" and I said "Hi!".
Then later on I heard him ask Jenelle C. where my house is. She told him she would show him that night.
I really love him. I need him to be close to me so I can get to know him and have him tell me things. I want to have him hold me so i can listen to his heart beat.

I can't decide whether to laugh or throw up half the time. *shakes head*

November 30, 1993

1993-11-30T03:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello, in math for the last 2 days Doug has been throwing paper balls at me. I don't know if it means he hates me or loves me. I mean you never can tell now a days. I know I love and want him. He was also talking to Allison about me. I'm gonna go for today. Goodbye.

Basically unless you walk up to me and ask me to give birth to your children, I won't know if you like me...even then I'll probably assume you are being sarcastic and making fun of me. Jesus, I feel sorry for any guy who has every had the annoyance of trying to let me know he liked me.

November 15, 1993

1993-11-15T02:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello Doug wasn't in school today and it made me very sad. As long as I can just see, hear and feel him around I can survive. I mean I'm not obsessed with him but I do love him. I would never allow myself to become obsessed iwth a guy again. Its just not good for me. In fact it sucks because all you ever feel is pain. I really love Doug and I'm glad he is in 4/7 of my classes. He will be in all four of those tomorrow. I have double math and typing, English Biology in the afternoon. Well I guess i am obsessed. Oh well Fuck it. I'm gonna go but Ill see you tomorrow.

Yes, fuck it.

November 15, 1993

1993-11-15T02:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello in the last week I have been so happy because I think Doug likes me.
It started off that he said hi to me in the hall. I smiled and went on my way because I thought he was making fun of me. But then in typing he was out in the hall having a conversation with Amy and when they came in they were still talking and I heard Amy say "Her mom was the one who cut my hair" and Doug goes "Oh yeah?" and my mom cuts Amy's hair. I didn't know if he liked me but I kind of thought he did but they could have just been making fun of me. So then I started noticing Doug giving looks my way in English and all the friends of his started saying hi to me. but the day I almost knew he liked me because I'm still not too sure was the day when I was in the biology lab and he was talking to his partner Alison and she was saying "Come on Doug just talk to her" and he was going "I don't know" in an insecure way. Then when they passed by me Alison goes "Hi jenn". This was right after their conversation. You usually don't say hi to someone you barely know unless you were thinking or talking about them.
Oh I forgot to tell you about today in English. Everytime I said something he and Steven would laugh if it was funny. But I wasn't talking aloud so they must have been listening to my conversation. And in Math when he first walked in the first place he looked was over at my seat. When he does something that I think is a hint or when he is talking about me, he acts so insecure and he is usually so out going. I hope he doesn't think I'm the kind of person who thinks they're too good for anybody because I'm not.
I really like him but I don't think he will ever ask me out because he is so "in" and I'm not. He hangs around with the in crowd and I don't have a single close friend.
But I really love him. God I love him. Everything I do I think of him. It gets pretty pathetic somethings. I really want him to love me. I want to at least get to know him better. I've liked him since the first of the year. The second day of school. Well Bye.

AHHHH! So fucking cute.
But even now I think "Were they making fun of me? Were they talking about me or someone else?"

October 26, 1993

1993-10-26T02:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
hello how are ya? Today really sucked but of course what day doesn't. Jesse was telling me about this awesome movie that was on T.V. last night it's called "Heathers". Its about these five friends and three of them are named Heather and the other 2 are boyfriend and girlfriend and they do all this awesome stuff. I wish I had friends. I'm so lonely I could die. I have no friends, no man and no life. I think I'll try to make a life for myself. I'm going to start tomorrow. I'll plan it so Ill go. I hope I have something to tell you tomorrow. Ill go for now. Goodbye.

I've made this plan more times than I can remember.

October 24, 1993

1993-10-24T02:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello my weekend was so boring. I have nothing to write except that I have a lot of CD's I want to buy. I had an awesome dream last night though. i don't remember much of it though. I guess i'll go because I have no more to say. bye

October 16, 1993

1993-10-16T02:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
hello I'm scared to grow up. I don't really want to. Everyday is like a punch in the stomach. I'm really scared. I'm not scared to die but I'm scared to grow old. I have to go now because I am too tired to think. i'll see you soon. O.k. Goodbye.

Oh hi! Your back! Have another bite, take a drink from this vein while your at it, you must be thirsty you've been working hard to destroy my life.

October 14, 1993

1993-10-14T02:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today was like every other day except Doug skips a lot of his classes and I barely ever see him. I miss him really bad. He makes me feel good just to sit beside him because it causes this feeling in my head. It makes me feel high. It is just like I want to die to get next to him. I think I would kill for him. I know that's really stupid but I don't think I'd do it. I know I would die for him though. That's for sure. I want to die violently when I'm anywhere near him. He just makes me feel good about myself and I don't even know a thing about him. I know its weird but I don't care. i'll go now so I'll see you soon. Bye.

I'm reading this, and I'm thinking about a girl who is a lifer in the system because she got mixed up in a murder with her boyfriend (who was older) when she was like 13. I'm thinking that maybe the justice system needs to learn more about young people and how much things really do change with age. I am totally not the kind of girl who would kill for a guy, but back then I thought maybe I could be, I wonder how much convincing it would have taken, how much mental abuse and fear.

October 9, 1993

1993-10-09T02:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello its not a very good day. Last night Jason's 2 est friends & one of their irl friends were in a car crash. They aremy 2 favorite people that are friends of Jason and I'm really feeling sick now because I'm scared.
They were driving drunk and the car went off the field and rolled they were thrown everywhere. They didn't have their seat belts on. Bob got hurt pretty bad all I know is he cracked a few ribs and some other stuff. Terry cut his hand up pretty bad and Bob's girlfriend is okay but she threw up from the shock of it all. How they lived no one knows. There is nothing left of the car. It was Bob's life because he needs a car to get to his job an dhis license will be taken away. So now he will lose his job and he will have no money. It really scared me i almost threw up from the shock of finding out jason could have been with them. I have to go. i'll see you soon. I need to think I still am scared. Goodbye.

I remember sitting in front of my record player all day listening to music, half crying, thinking about this.

Octobe 8, 1993

1993-10-08T02:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today was just another day and for the last two days Doug has skipped all his classes but 3 and I miss him. I don't know what to say except I'm bored.
Oh my 4 Non blondes CD is in and I'm going to buy it tomorrow. Well I'm gonna go, goodbye.

Get your ass to class boys! Your causing girls like me to frown.

October 5, 1993

1993-10-05T01:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today was good because in science when I was cutting a letter 'e' out of the newspaper for my biology project Doug leaned over my shoulder and cut one out of the same newspaper page. He said "Can I use this for a second" and I said "Yeah". It was nothing to anyone else in the world but it was heaven to me. I just wanted to be alone with him for the rest of the day. I'm not saying I was horny or anything gross like that I'm just saying I felt so much love for him right then I could have died. If love was money I would be the richest person in the world.
I think I'm devoloping a split personality because when I felt love I also felt jealous of myself. its like both parts of me were in love but one part was jealous of the other because he was close to that personality. I don't know or care because all I can think of right now is how close he was to me and how much I love him. I just want to be next to him for the rest of my life. Bye.

Not that horny is gross (that was my sexual guilt talking) but I really just felt sweetness for him. Sickening sweetness.

October 4, 1993

1993-10-04T01:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel so fucked up. I think my life is going to pop.
Today was just like every other day, boring. Im bored with life. Im not scared to die because Im just not. i don't know why. I guess Ill go because I'm crazy. Goodbye.

Hello Depression. C'mon in, have a seat. Would you like some tea? Something to eat? Here have a bite of this here heart. Good isn't it?

September 23, 1993

1993-09-23T01:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello Doug is the one thing I want right now. I miss his face and just hate school when he isn't in my class. Typing, Math, English, and Biology are my favorite subjects. I feel happy when I feel his presence in the room. I just like being near him. In biology I sit right beside him. Thats usually when he talks to me. he doesn't carry on a conversation he just says little things like "Where did that go" (When his paper fell on the floor) or "Is this class almost over". But I just feel like the Queen of the Earth when he looks at me and says these little things. I miss him right now and I'm depressed I can't breath. I'm gonna go so Ill see you soon.

*sigh*

September 21, 1993

1993-09-21T01:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Hello today Doug talked to me in every class and he even sat beside me in typing. I really like him.
Today I got 2 CD's. Matthew Sweet (Altered Beast) and Nirvana (In Utero). I like Matthew Sweet. I never listened to Nirvana.
I love Doug and will dream of him tonight. Well goodbye.

Just for the record I never listened to Nirvana means "I haven't listened to the In Utero CD yet". That fucking Nirvana Nevermind album was glued to my head the whole summer before grade 9. I remember fishing with Jesse and Kevin at the pumping station and just playing it over and over and over, and etc.

September 20, 1993

1993-09-20T01:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
hello its my B-day no one even knew but I don't care. I don't want people to know. By the way I like someone new his name is Doug S.
He's really cool I don't know why but I think he is one of the sexiest guys on earth.
Jeremy died his hair green. Well I'm gonna go so Bye.

And so it begins. The Doug S. obsession. This is the crush I remember more details about than any other crush. When people talk about crushes this is the first one that comes to mind. Other than the two guys I slept with in high school (and other than Kevin because that was technically Junior high) this guy was the big hurt but also has the most cozy memories for me to look back on. Boo hoo, etc.

September 6, 1993

1993-09-06T01:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today was the first day of school. I was walking down the hall and Cory S, Jeremy and some other guys passed me. Corey stared at me and when I passed by Jeremy walked backwards and watched me. I love having him in my school. Even when I don't see him he makes me feel good because he is the one who brings back all the memories. I want to see him again tomorrow. I really love him. Ill tell you everything about him from now on. I'll see you soon cause I can't stop talking about him. I hope he notices me too and I hope he likes me because I really need him. Ill go for now but Ill see you real soon. Goodbye.

I just blushed and giggled. So cute.

September 4, 1993

1993-09-04T01:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I really miss David. I feel so lonely. I looked out the window the other day and I saw the skaters. As I looked down Jeremy looked up. It brought back a lot of feelings. When he saw me he smiled. I don't think he told anyone I was looking. I hope he didn't. he was always my favorite skater. He was the nicest. I wish we were still friends. maybe next year since we will be in the same school agian he will try to be my friend. I know I will try to be his. I think I love him. I don't know all I know is right now I really need him to talk to because I feel if I don't have him I will explode. well I have to go soon. Goodbye.

How ... cute and romantic.

September 3, 1993

1993-09-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I almost fell in love again. His name is David. He's 22 but still in grade 12. He is the brother of the guy who shares a house with the guy I rake blueberries for. It started off that he would make fun of me in a nice way. He was really flirting. He would make me laugh and then he would make fun of my smile. I couldn't help but smile. I thought I loved him and now I think I do. I wanted him to kiss me so bad on the way home the day before he went back to St. John. But I liked what he did. He sat beside me and he was so close I had to put my back on his chest so I guess I was really in his arms. He talked to me and he would nudge me when I wasn't smiling. I guess he liked to see me smile. I loved the feel of having him so close to me. I miss him so much now. I only knew him for 5 days but I love him. he could make me smile at the drop of a hat and its not easy to make me smile at all. He's really into sports he plays almost every sport except for golf. He was so perfect for me. He likes kids. He is going to go to college. he likes most of the things I like. I wish he lived in Amherst. I want to see him when he comes to visit next year. i love him. I cried the day he left and I'm still depressed because he is not here. I wasn't looking for love it just fell into my lap. I didn't even want it but now that I have it I realize how much I need to love and how I need to be loved even more. Well Bye.

22 BUT STILL IN GRADE 12!@?!IUH!IUH What the hell is going on here? Why was he flirting with a 14 year old?!

That sentence about the brother of the house sharer should actually read something like this: "He is the brother of the lover of the guy I rake blueberries for." I don't know if I was naive, or if I just didn't want to say something politically incorrect.

So I wasn't a total idiot. All the things that we like that were the same. I know your thinking "He just said he liked things that you liked so you would want him". But I didn't really talk. I just listened to him talk. I was a love crazy little child, but I was also totally suspicious of everything.

August 27, 1993

1993-08-27T01:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
hello I've been blueberry raking for the last 2 days. I have to go to school in 11 days. But right now I have to take a shower because of my bug bites and dirty sweaty skin from raking blueberry's. Ill see you some time soon but I have to go now so Goodbye and remember that Ill always be different.

What does that even mean?

August 16, 1993

1993-08-16T01:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I got my Radiohead CD about 5 days ago and it has been playing ever since, its playing right now.
My birthday is in 35 days I'm gong to get CD's from everybody I don't really have anything to write but Ill find something and Ill write it some other day but Ill go for now.

Not much to write about when your not obsessing over some boy I guess.

August 12, 1993

1993-08-12T01:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Hello I've decided not to look for love anymore. Its ridiculous to spend all yor time on it when it will come when it wants too.
I've also decided to dress grungy because its cool and because no one in Amherst dresses that way. I also love grunge music. I'm going to get my Radiohead CD for my birthday. I bought another Beatles CD its called Beatles for Sale. It's really good. Jesse bought a Super Nintendo. I can't wait till I get my guitar for Christmas.
Well today is just beginning and its only 11:00am so I guess I'll go and get dressed. ill see you soon because school will be starting in about 20 days the summer was very short. Goodbye.

Cool! Grunge!

I wonder how long this not looking for love thing will last.

August 7, 1992

1993-08-07T01:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello how are you I have been out the beach. Well kind of. I went out for 4 days and came back for 4. Then I went out for 3 and back forever. Mom and dad and Jesse are still out there. I think its boring out there. I don't know who I love. No one I guess. I just feel like loving someone. Once you've fallen in love all you want to do is love and when you break up like me and you know who, well you try to find another person right away cause you miss being loved. That's how I feel at this poing in time.
I got a new CD its Sloan. I love them. I would have got Radiohead but they were sold out for the second time. Sloan is a grunge band. The words to the songs are awesome, the beat rules and they are 4 of the cutest guys in the whole universe. I'm going to go but I'll be back soon.

Well I'm glad to see that I spoke about the music before I discussed the hotness of the guys.

I didn't like the beach because there was no one my age. In later years I would bring my boyfriend Jon out there. We would close the curtain of the bedroom and jump on the bed and make noise so that all the younger kids would think we were having sex (I think this was before we actually had sex). This was how we entertained ourselves. You could only walk up and down the beach so many times in the run of a day. We only got to play with fire at night when they lit the bonfires. Playing with fire was pretty entertaining. Sometimes during the day we would find things to smoke, like tea bags, banana peels, stolen cigarettes, etc.

July 22, 1993

1993-07-22T01:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello, I'm scared I will never find anyone to understand me enough to love me. When I read a book and the criminal is talking about himself he sounds like someone I could love because its just like me so I always understand them. I don't know if I'm psycho or not because I fall in love with killers but I wish they didn't kill. I dont' know.

Hmmm. I guess this just goes to show how thin the line is between lonely teen and psycho killer teen.

July 12, 1993

1993-07-12T01:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello, today was boring. I didn't do much because I was too tired.
Jason and his girlfriend broke up and I can tell he is depressed about it even though he broke up with her.
Just like I broke up with Kevin but I was hurt by it and not him. Stephanie doesn't even seem to care even though she looked like she loved him. Well I'll go for tonight. See ya.

She's dead now. She had some sort of brain tumors I think. She died long after they broke up, but it still tore him apart. I worry about having to deal with this kind of thing, and having to deal with the jealousy of whoever I'm dating when it happens.

July 9, 1993

1993-07-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I don't know why I wrote today cause I don't really have anything to say except I have a new CD called "Help" by the Beatles.
I'm so sad I feel like a fool. I don't know why I just feel like crying but I can't. I haven't really cried in about a year or more. I guess it's cause I'm hurting so bad I can't. I guess I'll watch Kids in the Hall again tonight. I love that show. It really makes me happy. Its on at 5:30 in the morning. It was on at 10 last night it was so funny I almost died. i always have and always will feel some love for the guys on that show. I love David the best because of his eyes. they are so...Oh god, you know. His face is round and he has the cutest cheeks. I just can't explain. I guess Ill go.

5:30am was a pretty normal time for me to be wide awake. Fricken insomnia.

July 3, 1993 - 2

1993-07-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
I need Kevin back. He was the only one I understood and he was the only one who understood me. Most guys try to make you feel really stupid but he never did and if I did feel stupid he made me feel smart again. I loved him. I've loved him now for about 1 year and a half. I don't feel like a real person without him. I feel like I'm not real. I know he has to feel the same way. I know it was my fault we broke up. It was because I don't know how to show im how much I love him. i'm gonna go. I guess I'll dream about him.

Sometimes dreaming wasn't code for masturbation...sometimes it was just sweet, innocent, desperate dreaming.

July 3rd, 1993

1993-07-03T00:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I stayed overnight at Holly's last night and it was fun. At first we didn't know what to do then she got me to draw a picture on her computer. I named it "Images of broken light". Then we talked about how I still love Kevin. Then she gave me a tape by the Beatles "Abbey Road" Then we watched Psyco 5 and went to bed. In the morning I came home. It was fun I'm going to ask her to stay over night next week. I love Kevin and want him back. Once you know how it feels to be loved you never want to feel that emptyness you want to fill it up right away. I feel so empty. Bye.

I really wish I had put more effort into this friendship. I was an idiot.

June 30, 1993

1993-06-30T00:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I passed the year. I made a 63 in English but I know its not fair because I got all 80's and 90's on my tests and 80 on my exam. I didn't talk in class except to answer the teacher.
I got a 79 in gym, a 85 in social studies, a 78 in PDR, a 65 in Science, 55 in math, a 85 in french and a 85 in Home Ec. I'm pleased but I know I deserved more in English.
Well all together I got $200 for grading. I spent 25 on a C.D. Porno for Pyro's and I spent $100 on books. I still have 80 dollars to do what I please. I don't know. I find summer to be boring. I think that fall is better. I have to stay at a cottage for 2 weeks this summer so I guess I'll buy 5 books and my other CD and a couple crystals.
I'm getting a guitar for Christmas. An electric one. I love guitars I always wanted to learn how to play one.
This is the last blue page I have to fill and then I'm in to the pink part and that's for summer. Well I still love Kevin and I wish he still loved me but I guess I'll never see that happen again. I mean you can't always get what you want. I guess I only got one chance. I don't know. I know I have to get over him but it seems like I never will. They say time heals a broken heart but its been 6 months or 7 since I knew he no longer loved me and I still feel the same.

Look at me putting those math skills to use!
I don't think I was completely honest about not talking in English. Looking back, all I remember doing was talking to my friend Mike all year long. We sat in the back of the class. Also I forgot all about that failing grade for the Vampire story.
I wonder what the second CD was that I bought.
I still have that guitar. It was a little dwarf of a thing. I learned a few songs, then got obsessed with a new boy, then started drinking and doing drugs and forgot I was able to do anything else with my free time.

June 23, 1993 -2

1993-06-23T00:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello 3 days ago I came downstairs for the first time all day and I saw pictures on the table so I went & started looking at them. Then I seen Helena in one of those homely sun visors so I called to Jesse and started laughing. Mom yelled at me to put the pictures down and to go bed. (It was 7:00)
I know I shouldn't have said this but I told her to kiss my arse.
Then I got in all this trouble and I was sent back up to my room & I was only downstairs for 5 minutes that whole day. Now when mom told me to shut up I didn't see her get in trouble.
Then yesterday I came downstairs with a bag and I put it on the floor while I watched T.V. So mom started to bitch about how she cleaned the house all day (she only vacuumed).
I let her bitch through 2 1/2 minutes of commercials but when the show came on I told her to be quiet (now if that's not a polite way to put it I don't know what is) and about 2 seconds later I said please. Well she got all pissed off and said "I beg your pardon". Then kicked me in the back (I was in front of her chair on the floor). Well when she kicked me I though she was joking so I pretended to hit her on the leg. I didn't hit her but she kicked me again. Then she got up out of her chair grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and pushed me towards the stairs. I threw the bag of chips I had at her and went upstairs. I put my dresser in front of my door and layed on my bed. About a half hour later when I was almost happy again she pushes open the door and says "We have to talk about your attitude Missy, I'm sick of your sass".
I told her no and to get out. she stood at the door and bitched for a few minutes then finally left. The reason I didn't talk to her is because when my parents say talk all they do is get in their word and leave. They won't let you talk because they say that I'm always wrong. They deny that they don't let you talk but they do. everytime we try to discuss something they say what they want and then (this is not a lie) they turn towards you when you open your mouth and point their finger and say "shut up". (not be quiet or shhh)
Well the reason I wrote all this today is because the stupedist of all was today. Mom and jesse were fighting and mom said something about Jesse's lips so he stuck them out. I laughed and said bungee lips and then I quacked like a duck because it looked like a bill.
Well mom started bitchin at me and I don't know why. I told her I was talking about jesse but her reply was "your just too sassy, blah, blah, blah." Wel then dad came up from the basement and he always takes her side (he did in the last 2). Well he bitched at me and then told me to shut up again. (Surprise) Then a Rod Steward video came on so I gave it a thumbs down and said booo (Mom said it about my music a half hour earlier) and dad came in and sent me and Jesse to bed.
So here I am still pissed off as can be and I don't think I'll ever be happy again. I'm gonna go for tonight because I want to sleep it off. So I'll go and I'll be back before July to fill the four pages left in the blue. Have a happy life just like mine (yeah bull shit) and Ill see you soon. I still love Radiohead so I'll dream.

This is the perfect teenage vs parents diary entry. Beautiful. Boo Rod Stewart!
Was that lips comment a racist thing?

June 23, 1993

1993-06-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
I love the singer off Radiohead. I know because it's in his voice and in his face. When he sings he uses so much feeling I just want to comfort him so much. I know he's hurting. When most guys screw their face up they look ugly but when he does while he is singing he looks so gorgous. I just want him.

Oh for christ sakes. This is just sickening. The worst part is that I saw a different video for Creep where Thom had long blond hair and during the "run" part his hair blew back in the wind. It was cheesy and it showed his balding and his teeth looked gross. I was turned off for a long time. Until I noticed the lazy eye, then I was drooling all over again...but let's not talk about it because it's embarassing.

June 21, 1993

1993-06-21T00:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello its been a boring week and I'm writing to tell you I still love Kevin and I miss him too much. I just had to get that off of my chest and I want to be a writer some day or a ballerina or a singer but I guess everyone wants to be the last two. I love and need Kevin and I'm going to go now so goodbye.

June 15, 1993 - 2

1993-06-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
I can't stop thinking about Kevin. I'm going crazy it kills me to know he is only one house away and I can't be with him. I need him. I want to feel his soft kisses on the back of my neck and his protective arms around me. It felt so good to feel him love me and I just want to feel that way again. When he went home at nights I almost burst into tears because I had no where to direct the love I felt for him.
That's how I feel now. I need to have him love me. It's an addiction. It's like he is my drug because he makes me feel so high and happy and when he is gone I feel sad and when I can't have him I almost go crazy. I love Kevin. Bye.

It was torture living so close to him. I remember once that someone told me it would have to be a big coincidence for your soulmate to live near you, considering all the people there are in the world. Most of my most loved boyfriends in Amherst lived within a 3 block radius. Go figure.
I always figured it would have to be a cruel joke for a soulmate to live somewhere I would probably never meet them.

June 15, 1993

1993-06-15T00:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I'm happy to say that when I was coming out of school today I heard all these whistles and I turned around to see what it was and it was Kevin and his friends. When I looked Kevin waved and smiled like we were best of friends. It is the first time he has even looked at me in 3 months. I love him so much I just want him here. I'm glad he is being my friend again because I love him. I want him so bad now that if I don't get him I will die. I know I will. I can't talk about him anymore or I will die.
Today I wrote two exams. I wrote my math. I think I made a 55 and I wrote my french. I think I made a 85-90. I have to write my science so I have to study for that tonight and I have to study hard.
I'm going to see Jurasic Parc with Meredith tomorrow...sorry but I can't find anything to say because all I can think of is kevin. It's going to be hard to study when all I can think of is him. I love him. I'm obsessed with him and I don't care if I get hurt just as long as I get to have Kevin back.
I guess I'm gonna have to go for now. I'll see you tomorrow. I hope kevin loves me because if not I'll just die. I know I will. Blue - I'm so sad without him. Black - Ill die if I don't have him soon. Red - I love him more than I or anyone else could ever explain.

I'll just die!
It's good to see I cared about school at least.

June 14, 1993

1993-06-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello my first two exams were easy but I have math in the morning. Yuck.
The reason I put I <3 Kevin up top is because I do and I won't deny it any longer. I've been holding back my feelings and taking anyone I had the slightest feelings about and making them look like I would die for them but its not true I only have feelings for Kevin. I can still see the real him. If he's not with his friends I can see the real him. I want it to be like it was before when I knew he loved me and I really loved him.
I remember how he would sit down and I would sit so close to him and it was just like I could feel our body's and our thoughts becoming one. "It was a chemical thing coming from somewhere deep inside me, miles from my brain. Think of being on the edge of a very high diving board, about to jump off for the first time. Or your sweltering hot and someone's dripping a slow icicle down your back. Think of hearing the first few notes of your favorite song. Now put all those feelings together. That's how I felt around kevin. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I almost couldn't breath. My arteries were strips of fire running through my body. Your could have locked me in a closet with him for the rest of my life and I'd have stayed there, happily.
Even more amazing he seemed to feel the same way about me. This was no crush this was the real thing and we fed it in one another. We were always together. Always in one way or another touching. We did everything together. He even read all the poems I showed him.
There were times I wanted to be with him so badly I would cry if I couldn't.
Then something closed off in him, it closed off to me. Something stopped being great. And our love. I mean the mutual one began to wither and die. I'd love to say that was the end of it but it isn't because I still love him.
I didn't go crazy, I didn't get on the floor and beg for him to love me like he used to. I just let it destroy me.
He broke up with me slowly. It took about 3 months. he pulled away more and more each week. I clung on my heart bleeding steadily. I wouldn't hear from him for a week then he'd show up, like some big heart shaped band-aid and for the time i was with him everything would be all right. Or so I told myself. It wasn't really though. When I was with him I couldn't let him out of my sight. Away from him I was a wreck. I was sure life would be meaningless without him, that I'd have no reason for living. Then later on when I got up some strength and knew it would never be like before, I was just torturing myself, I was able to sever that last thread the one Kevin couldn't cut or wouldn't. He changed after that into someone I don't even know now but If I look at him I can see the old him and I think I can see a feeling of wanting for me in those eyes. i don't know.
Now I take the passion I feel for him and put them into things like a journal (this journal) that lets me obsess to my hearts content, never judging me.
I even put that passion into other guys like Craig or Dave Foley. I just need to feel and be in love again its like a drug I feel so sick because I need it so bad.
I like to think Ill be a little smarter next time and use my head. But love isn't about really using our heads is it?
I'm still not past the can't I please die for you stage. I'll probably get past it someday but I'll never fully get over Kevin. I still carry a torch for Kevin but I hope that someday that I'll only carry a little flame for him. I torture myself over him thats why.
My feelings for Kevin will probably never be gone but you know what? I hope I always remember him. Not in a way to torture myself but in a way to feel our love after a long time.
His love was one of the most special things I ever have and I think ever will happen to me.
No one could ever fully understand how I felt and feel for him and no one ever will.
Everybodys love is special and everbody's love is different. Love isn't like you see in the movies or rock videos. Its more like this to me. 'The lovers shriek and fight, cry and curse at each other, she rakes her nails across his chest says she can't stand the sight of his face. finally drained & dejected he crawls for the door...and she freaks. "Wait!" she screams and he comes back and it happens again, and again.' Sam Shepard got it perfect in his play Fool for Love."

It's not the way it was for me and Kevin but I think it would have been if we didn't seperate when we did. I'd have dreams like that of me and him while we were going out.
All I really wanted to say today is that I still love Kevin an deven after I wrote all this and I know its bad for me and won't work I want him back. I think all the good times we had make up for the all that and I guess I would go through 100 ties more as long as I could feel him love me and let him know I love him. I'll go for now but Ill see you soon. Bye.

The big long thing in quotes was some article from some teen magazine. I just changed the names and a few of the words.

June 10, 1993

1993-06-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I have no school but my first exam is tomorrow so I have to study.
Today I saw Corey S and Kevin going to Kevins. I loved them both at one time and it hurt so bad to see them both at the same time. Ever since I've been depressed. They were the only two guys I've loved. I always say I love people but thats just because love sounds better than like. I don't know how I feel about craig. I feel some of the same feelings I had for Kevin & Corey but I also think of Kevin more than I think of Craig. I loved Kevin the most and I guess I always will. I don't love the new Kevin. In fact I hate the new Kevin. Kevin waved to Jesse the other day. I don't know why. As soon as Kevin became popular he dropped Jesse like a fly. In other words he used jesse. Anyway enough about him..
Yesterday I got to play softball with the guys gym class. It was fun. I love baseball and Craig was on my team. Well anyway I'm here at home and I might go to the graveyard to sit, I don't know.
I'll go because I have to get dressed okay. i'll see you tomorrow because I want to fill in all the Blue pages before school gets out. I'll see you tomorrow. goodbye.

I remember our gym classes were divided by a great big curtain they would pull across the middle of the gym. That day we had gym outside. The girls had all these shitty girly things to do and when me and a few other's saw the boys playing baseball we begged and had to get special permission to join them. It was pretty much the only gym class I liked.

June 6, 1993

1993-06-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I talked to mom and dad about all the worlds problems and I have decided its not good enough to talk. We have to work so I have decided to work at all the things I do wrong and encourage others to do the same. I will try to make world peace, I will help the enviorment, I will try to help all the starving children in all the poorer country's. I will try my hardest to do these things. I will try my hardest I swear on my life I will. I will start now but no one will really listen to me until I am older so thats when I will really work but for now I will do all I can. Ill see you tomorrow so Ill say goodbye.

Awww. This is kinda lame, but also kinda awesome.

No one listens when your older either. :(

June 3, 1993

1993-06-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Hello I love Craig. I just threw out all the junk I kept from Jr. High. I cried when I read it all over because it brought back too many bad memories.
Today was a boring day except I want craig more and more everyday. I don't know if its love or infatuation. I also don't want to be hurt again. I don't trust myself. I feel sad now.
I want school to end very soon because Im becoming tired. I need some time to catch up on my sleep. But when school is over I won't be able to see craig. I will miss him. I really will. Im gonna cry now. i don't want to cry anymore so I will go. I will be back soon. Craig is very special. I know that.

So that's where all my paper towel scrawlings went!

June 2, 1993

1993-06-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Today I didn't have Craig in any of my classes. It made me sad because I think I love him. Then this afternoon the police took on the seniors in a basketball game and he was there. I swear he looks at me a lot if I pretend I'm not paying any attention to him. I pretend to look at a crowd of people in front of him but I am really looking at him. He looks at me a lot and he study's me. Its like I'm a person he is really trying to get to know.
I had fun with Tanya and Laura. Wade was making up sign language and we were making fun of him.
I love Craig I need to have dreams about him all night tonight because its the only way I can be with him. Bye.

These were the day's before I learned how to sneak off school property during these events. I must admit this one was pretty fun though.

May 31, 1993

1993-05-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello Kevin and Steven and Jesse arent in the coven because I just realized that in order to call on the powers you must be outdoors. I'm glad because they didn't take it seriously anyway. Ill have to make a new coven. The people I would really love to have in it are Holly O, Craig L, Me and I would still need 4 boys and five girls. I think it would be easy to have Holly join. Craig would be really hard because I don't know him and he is with the "In" crowd.
I babysat Saturday and made $20 now I have $30 . I need $935.00 for all the coven equipment and about $25 for Tarot cards and about $100 for crystals, herbs and fortune telling. Summer equinox is coming up. I'll have to celebrate it. I also have to celebrate the new moon on the 20th of June.
This summer when we rent a cottage Ill get to spend my days on the beach with all the elements. I can collect objects I may need for the coven and I can go off by myself and do some spells and rituals.
Only certain people are gifted with the power and I know Holly and Craig are because I can feel it in them.
The blossoms are on the tree's its really spring now and I love it. I can hear the birds outside my window now.
I forgot to tell you about my adventure in the hospital. The first day I just sat there and ate, etc. The second day I had my operation and was in a lot of pain. The third day I got a roommate who had trouble with her bowels and stunk really bad. The fourth day I still had to smell that woman and put up with pain but I was allowed to walk around and go down the hall but I had to take my IV machine with me. Then thank god the 6th day came and I got the IV out gathered up my stuff, left that stinnky room and when I got out the doors of the hospital I yelled "free!" I felt wonderful. Then I had a very relaxed boring week at home then went back to school.
Everybody asked Steven where I was he told them I had cancer and lost all my hair. I laughed when i found that out.
Well now its almost 2 months later and I still get sore throats because the doctor things I have allergys. I have to get tested but the place is booked up until almost the end of September. The doctor gave me medicine that I have to spray up my nose. I've been sick for about a week and a half and I feel so weak. I lied to dad and said I had a headache so I could stay home today its because they do't understand how much throat hurst and they don't let me stay home.
Well its almost 10am and everyone is at school. i just called Nan to tell her that I would not be there for lunch. I might be back later on today but for now I'm going to go work on my book of shadows. I'll see ya later. Goodbye till later.

I remember feeling bad about making fun of the woman who smelled icky, now I feel bad about laughing at the cancer thing.

May 19, 1993

1993-05-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I love Kevin, he was talking to me yesterday and I wanted so much to go over and have him hold me but I know he will never love me again and if he does I don't know if I will have the guts to let him know I love him. He is different but 6 months has to mean something. I still love him even the new him but I'm afraid of his new life. He hangs out with Oreo and all my old friends. the reason I was so mad yesterday was because I was jealous. I still love him and I want him back. I would never kill him like I said. I love him too much. I'm gonna go till tonight or till god knows when. Bye.

6 months has to mean something right?

April 23, 1993

1993-04-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
hello today I had a dentists appointment and the rest of the day was boring because my life is boring and to make things worse my show wasn't on cause hockey was. Hockey is the worst sport in the world. Well I guess I love David folley but I don't know cause I'm feelin weird. Bye till sometime soon or not so soon.

Yes, the dentist is fun for me. What's it to ya?

April 17, 1993

1993-04-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin out of the blue goes...no wait.
Okay he was walking down the road with Steven and he goes "Jenn, (when 3 other people were there) Do you know Jennifer C"? I go "yeah". He goes "I just came from a party at her house".
He ws trying to make me jealous but he can't because I hate him. I can't stand the sight of him. He is a fucker. I mean it. I wouldn't love him again if it cost me my life. I'm gonna go before I fucken explode and I kill that fucker. I really hate him. I used to love him so much but now he's a fucker. Bye.

Holy. I was super jealous! I couldn't even control the anger in my printing.
Also I love that I said I would rather die than love him, and a million times before that I said I would die to love him.

April 14, 93

1993-04-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I still love Jeremy but I'll love him next year I need to tide my self till then. I wrote Corey up top but I feel real guilty about liking him cause he has a girlfriend. A 1 year and more long girlfriend and man are they in love. I feel so guilty for just liking him and I know he would never leave her so I don't know why. I wouldn't even be able to hint I liked him I can't hint that I like anyone. So he will never find out. But I still feel guilty. I have to find someone else.
Guys are starting to notice me again. I don't know why but they are. (In the margin it says "stop imagining things".) I'm glad because I was about to go insane. I'm gonna go to bed now so I guess I'll probably have something to say tomorrow. If not I will soon. But anyway Bye.

I don't think I was in love with the guy so much as I was in love with his love.

April 7, 1993

1993-04-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Hello I can't wait till Jeremy enters grade 9. I love him so much. It hurts to think of him. I had a dream about him last night. I wrote I love Jeremy in lipstick on my mirror. On my walls I have sheets of paper with "I love Jeremy" written about 150 times on them. I love him. I do. My love is strong I can't wait till next year. It's too far away but I have no choice. I want him here right now.
I want him to be here right now to hold me and kiss me and love me. I need him like a typewriter needs paper. i don't work without him.
Its getting late Ill dream of Jeremy and have the most peaceful sleep I've ever had.

Hey at least I just wrote, wrote, wrote and dreamed, dreamed, dreamed. It beats teen pregnancy I guess.

April 6, 1993

1993-04-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I saw Jeremy he is a guy that I mentioned in my other diary. I used to be his best friend when I first entered grade 8. Then I fell in love with him and when I saw him my stomach did a flip flop. I still love him and when I saw him my stomach was upset and tears filled my eyes. I had a feeling of longing. It was so strong. I really love him and I really miss him.
I didn't get to see his face but I know it was him. I remember how he used to smile all the time and how whenever I saw him I felt 100% better. I can't wait till next year because he will be in grade 9 & I can see him. I'll go for now but remember I love Jeremy.

Can you keep track of them all?
I'm still a sick little freak when it comes to pretty boys. My eyes still fill with tears. That's why I never look them in the eyes. Otherwise they will know!

April 4, 1993

1993-04-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I don't love Kevin I just wanted to have him back for a very strange reason. I want a boyfriend who will be my father figure, my lover. I want David Folley everytime I see him I need him.
I have this dream that I write a letter to kids in the hall and they get to know me well and then they visit me at my home and my parents are away. They all stay for a few days and Davy falls in love with me. It's more romantic when I dream it. Ill go because I am feeling weird and I can't write all that well. Just remember all I've said about Davy on the other pages and it proves I love him. Bye.

And just like that, I no longer know how to think straight.

April 2, 1993

1993-04-02T17:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
hello yesterday was Rickeys B-day, April fools was yesterday too. It suits him.
Well I found out that Kevin grabbed a girl in about 3 days. I wonder if he really did love me. No he didn't. I used to love him and I have over 30 1 page poems to prove it. I used to love the old him. The carefree him. Now he is a winner want to be. I don't mean he's a loser but he just is a whole new person.
I want him to be sick over the fact that we broke up. I want him to suffer. I'm a total bitch and I don't know why I want these things but I do. Then on the other hand I still love him and want him to love me back but not like he did before. Ill explain later. i just want him to be happy.
Forget what I said up top its wrong and I don't feel that way anymore. I love him and I want him back.
I don't like to be kissed or touched by my boyfriends. I don't even want a boyfriend. I actually want a guy to be my father. Not that dad isn't a good father. He is the best. But I want a guy who will hold me and love me and thats all. If he could do that half of the time I would have sex , kiss, etc the other half. I can't really explain what I want in a boyfriend its too weird for me to say. No one will ever be able to please me.
It's weird because I love Kevin almost a year then finally we were going out and then in Dec. he took on a dramatic new image and I lost interest but now that I don't have him anymore I want him back. Its like I love him when I can't have him.
I know I could never go out with him agian because of what it did this time. It killed our friendship. I loved our friendship. It was special to me. Actually I loved the relationship me, Jesse, Patrick and Kevin had this summer. it was fun and I could tell them anything. Even the most personal times I could discuss.
I now have no one to tell because no one else understands me. They think I'm crazy. Now I only say a handfull of words all day at school and ususally its to the teacher but only if I have to speak.
I tried to be open with Kevin and Jesse the other day but Jesse ignored me and Kevin just said "What the hell is she talking about". It hurt really bad to know I had lost my best friends ever. I don't know why but right now I'm struggling not to cry.
Then there's Steven he's the one that I suspect Kevin changed for. I used to hate Steven when he first started hanging around with us. Then I had feelings of love for him. I think I still do but then when I think hard about it I know I only want anyone to love me so I try to love everyone and if they love me back I feel alive.
Steven is the only person I know of in my whole life who says hi to me. Even when I was going out with Kevin, Steven would say hi before kevin even though of muttering it. He's my friend but he isn't in a way because I can't tell him all this stuff. If it was like it was with Kevin, Jesse, and Pat I could.
Since Steven took Pats place it hasn't been the same. Steven is my only friend now. I can't explain. I can't tell him stuff because he is Kevins best friend. He would tell.
I can't tell Kevin stuff because we are no longer friends if you know what I mean.
I can't really see the page because my tears are blurring my eyes and I don't really want to say anymore even though I could.
Anyway I'm gonna leave because I just want to cry and get rid of all the sadness and get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach. I'll go because it's time. Bye.

And that is the story of my life. Just because I know it, doesn't mean I know how to change it.

March 26, 1993

1993-03-26T17:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello David Folley is gorgeous. I love him. I want to marry him! He is so cute his blond hair and flirty blue eyes. I love him a lot.
I also love Rickey H again. I'm not going out with Kevin anymore after 6 months.
I love Rickey cause he keeps telling me I'm pretty & helping me with my work in science before anyone else could. He tells me jokes and he even just plain old talks to me.
Today he looked at me and he said he was undressing me with his eyes. I laughed & so did he.
He talks to people about me whenever he sees me. Good things not bad. He always sits beside me or in back of me in school. I think he likes me. He said that thing about Kevin not taking me out then he will.
But it really made me smile when he asked me why I was so pretty. I dreamed about him all thru math. I'll dream of him tonight too. I love him and I'm going to go dream about him because I need to be close to him in some way. Bye

"And his blue eyes, and his blonde hair, he can cut it cause I don't even really care....he's just wonderful, and he's awesome, he thinks I'm pretty!" - Cecil Seaskull

Boys talk to me and I fall in love. Sickening.
...not much has changed.

March 12, 1993

1993-03-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello Kids in the Hall was really hilarious it has the most good looking guys on it. I forgot how cute David Folley was. His eyes make me want to crawl in them. They are Deep and Flirty.
God I love him. I'm gonna go its now March Break so I'll see ya. Bye.

I'm not really into blue eyes anymore. It takes a pretty vibrant pair to catch my attention. Brown on the other hand....*slips in the remains of her own melted heart*

March 9, 1993

1993-03-09T17:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
I told Holly yesterday that I didn't like Kevin anymore and I don't in the least.
She asked who I wanted to marry and I told her he was dead. He was smart and he was already married before.
She didn't know who it was but it was Jim Morrison. I have dreams that he will come see me as a ghost at night. I feel weird writing about him because I feel like he can see it from heaven.
There is only 3 days till March Break.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he said I had to get my tonsils out. I'm glad. The only part I'm scared about is having the IV put in my hand. I don't care about the operation. I get to stay in the hospital for 3 days. Cool eh. I can't wait I'll get a room to have fun in just laying back from the family. Holly said she'd come visit me.
I have to go to school in 20 mins so I'm gonna finish getting ready now okay.Ill see ya in about 12 hours. Bye.

Cool I get to go to the hospital!

Also just to tie the Jim Morrison thing to the Kids in the hall thing...
Holly: Jenn who are you crushing on?
Jenn: Jim Fucking Morrison that's who!

March 5, 1993

1993-03-05T17:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I watched kids in the hall and it was funny. They had a song on it. "Smokin on a night train, chewin on a jelly roll, tryin to climb a flag without a pole, walkin on shoes without soles". It was hilarious I can only remember that part of the song I wish I knew it all.
David Folley I love him but it's useless. I'm gonna go. Bye

Good song.

February 21, 1993

1993-02-21T17:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I love the 70's if I could live in any time it would be then. People didn't care about anything except for having fun.
They looked sloppy even the stars because it was the years of the flower child, peace, Disco, etc. (In the margins it says "60 dummy")The more I think of it the more I want to be there. The music was awesome, the clothes were awesome, the attitude was awesome. I love it. I acted like I lived in the 70's and it was groovy because I felt carefree and I let all my energy out dancing to 70's music.
I've had a 4 day weekend because of the storm and it was boring I tell you. In fact life has been boring thats why I haven't written lately. Theres still not much to write so I'm gonna go.

Back when I didn't know any better.

February 7, 1993

1993-02-07T17:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello sorry I haven't written in a while but I have a boring life. I can't wait till summer when i can do my witchery. It will be so fun because I've waited since Sept. for summer.
I don't know who I love but i do love the music by the Beatles and the Doors. Jim Morissey from the doors is very smart and he was so cute. He's dead now but his voice takes me somewhere. I don't know where it takes me but I like it.
Well I'm still going out with kevin even thogh I don't love him anymore. I guess I'll go because there is nothing exciting in my life.
its Sunday and all I have to do is my homework. Well I guess I'll go because this page is almost gone. Bye.

Yeah I'm talking about something other than boys! Homework and music...kind of.
Jim Morrison does seem smart to a 14 year old.

January 30. 1993

1993-01-30T17:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello I still love Brendan Fraser. I watched the movie today again. Also I saw the movie Shout again with James Walters. My 3 only favorite actors are James, Brendan, and Davy. Well I'll go for tonight because I am very, very tired. I'll see ya, bye.

I kept the video store in business I rented that movie so many times. I'm starting to understand why I'm so fucked up today. No one can handle that much Paulie Shore.

January 29, 1993

1993-01-29T17:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
I love Brendan Frazer he's off of Encino Man. He's cool and god is he ever cute. I love his hair, his eyes are blue his hair is red/brown. He has a chin to die for and his body is so cool. Not too much muscle but just enough for the good look and broad shoulders. My show was cancelled. It's pissed me off. I hate networks. Well I have to dream of Brandan Bye.

I only liked Brendan when he looked like a caveman. Now I hate that look.

January 28, 1993

1993-01-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello Kevin says he'll kill himself if I ever dump him. Thats what Steven told me anyway. Thats a lot of pressure to put on me don't ya think. I do I want to dump Kevin because he used to be considerate now he's mean. He's always putting Jesse down & he never talks to me. I don't think ill ever fall in love but I feel like I am already. Kevin asked me to go to angela s's party with him. I am not going because Angela is a pure bred bitch and I don't like to drink, etc. So I won't go.
I love Glen T. He's a guy I met this summer but I saw him at school yesterday and he was real nice to me. I love him I guess. He's kind of short and he has blond hair and a small nose. Beautiful eyes & a limp in his walk. I love his walk it's cool. It drives me crazy to see him. He has a nice body too.
I have an earring of his from the summer he was here and he changed his earrings and left the old one behind. oh now I love him. I have to go dream of him.

Oh god. So this Glen guy had me hated by the lady who lived behind me. He and I were hanging out in this field beside my house and a neighbor kid came over and started asking us all these annoying questions about whether or not we were in love and dating. So he started telling the kid weird, somewhat dirty answers. He then told the kid to go home and ask him mom what some of these dirty things meant. The kid left. Glen left shortly after and I had forgotten all about the kid, until the mother came flying up to me asking me what kind of filth I was teaching her kid. Embarassed! Ashamed! I could never look that woman in the eye.

Back in the day's when "dream" was code for "create a masturbation fantasy".

January 24, 1993

1993-01-24T17:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello today I had a dream about Corey and I can't remember it but it made me remember him. I didn't do much today but I have school toorrow and I don't really care because school sucks but i will get my education so I can be a legal secretary. I'm very tired so I'm gonna go. Ok.

It was a sex dream. I still remember vague images of walls, and feelings. I was always falling in love with boys after I had dirty dreams about them. I had a hard time seperating love and horny.

January 23, 1993

1993-01-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello last night kids in the hall was awesome. I love David again. I also love Bruce, Mark and Kevin they're all cute as hell even Scott. I'll write more tonight.
Kevin was over today and I still don't love him. I love the Kids n the Hall & Rickey. I'm gonna go because I'm very tired. Bye

I think I was under the impression I couldn't be attracted to Scott because he was gay.

January 22, 1993

1993-01-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello, today Rickey talked to me but yesterday he moved his desk next to mine and my sleeve kept getting caught under his arm. I wish my body would get caught under his. I love him and I want him. I'm still going out with Kevin. Its almost 4 months but I don't love him. I love Rickey but today he only talked to me once. I love him and want him to love me too but I don't know how to make him. Kids in the hall is on tonight and its on in 10 m inutes so I'll go but first i'll tell you my parets bought me a stereo and I love it. Well I love Rickey a lot and I'll love him for a while I didnt get his eye color but I will.

This is one of my favorites. Such a cute little pervert I was.

January 20, 1993

1993-01-20T17:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I realized I love Rickey. He made me smile then said I had cute dimples and all those nice things about me and then said if Kevin doesn't start taking you out I'll have too. It made me feel so good because usually all he does to girls is call them names and never show any affection. He has long blond hair, a very defined nose, lush lips and his eyes are nice. I'll find the color tomorrow. Bye.

Some would consider a defined nose to be a large nose. I consider it to be a nose with character. I like noses...I have to. *eyeroll*
This dude was suave!

January 17, 1993

1993-01-17T17:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello I still love David Folley. I have to go to school tomoorrow but I hate school. Today I did nothing but lay around the house. I can't wait till summer when the coven will really be in the groove. I can go to the beach and get some stuff for the coven from there. Well I'm really tired because I was up till 5 o'clock last night and woke at 8 so Ill see ya tomorrow.

I never slept. I daydreamed all night.

January 16, 1993

1993-01-16T16:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I have a few private things to tell you.
1. I want to have violent passionate sex. Erotic sex. I want to feel pleasure from my head to my toes. I feel the need to let loose my inner self. Ill go for now see ya. (A note written in the margin says `What in the fuck was I thinking?' - March 94)
Just now I think Im crazy for saying that but its still true, because I do want to have sex, the nice kind at first then on my third time erotic sex. Bye.

I wonder why I chose the third time.
This is what I thought about, but in a bunch of entries I wrote that sex was gross and feeling horny was gross. I think that was the guilt. I slutted around with myself way too much to even pretend I didn't like it.

January 15, 1993

1993-01-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello Kids in the hall was hilarious I loved it because I love David Folley. He`s so cute. In the back are 2 poems about him and all the names of the kids n the hall and the times they`re on. Oh god David Folley is cute. I want to be with him right now so I`ll have to dream.

I hope I threw those poems out. I would hate to have to post them here.

January 8, 1993

1993-01-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello I got to see Kids N the Hall tonight and it was hilarious. It`s Friday and I`m glad because I love David Folley. Today was O.K. even though I want to get rid of Kevin more and more each day.
David Folley was so cute tonight. I just wanted to jump through the screen and grab him and kiss him. Oh god I have to dream of him. Goodbye.

I was more of a swooner than a giggler. Today I am a combination of both. The swooning can be hidden, the giggling escapes and causes a lot of embarrassment.

January 7, 1993

1993-01-07T16:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I was sick. I had a migraine headache and I couldn`t raise my head or I would collapse of exhaustion. I had that headache since Sunday but it got really bad last night and Today. Well its gone now thank god but I guess Ill get another one this weekend. I still love David folley but I can`t see him till tomorrow night. I can`t wait. Ill see ya tomorrow. Ok. Goodbye.

I once counted the days I spent in bed with a migraine. I averaged it out to about once every month or so and then multiplied that by the amount of months an average female would live. I will waste about 3 years of my life rolling around in bed in pain. That pissed me off.

January 6, 1993

1993-01-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I found someone else I like. His name is craig. I forgot his last name but I love his hair. Its Witch hair. That means it doesn`t have one color. It can be Red, Brown, Blond, or even close to black all in once, its really weird. Well Kevin doesn`t like me and I have to leave him because he`s tying me down. I feel bad for saying that but he`s changed. Bye.

Once upon a time I fell in love with a boy because of his hair color.

January 5, 1993

1993-01-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello Kevin avoids me and I haven't had the courage to tell hm. I don't know what to do.
Well I did good on 2 exams, excellent on 3 and poor on one, my math because I got 50%.
I love David Folley and I can't wait to see his show on Friday. it will be so cool because Ill miss him so much.

It's amazing the difference it can make when you get a good math teacher. You can go from 50's to 90's, and still remain boy obsessed all you want.

January 4, 1993

1993-01-04T16:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello today I bought my book for my circle info and I have to copy it all into it. I had an okay time in school today but I want to dump kevin. I just can't do it because I feel bad but I'm draggin my life down the drain. Ill try to do it tomorrow. Well Ill see ya later. Bye.

I got restless, this happens a lot.

January 3rd, 1993

1993-01-03T16:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello, today I completed putting my notes in order for my book of shadows. On Saturday Ill have the whole thing done. I have 3 crystals so far 2 amethests and one moonstone. Mom is letting me wear her blue lace so thats good. I have school tomorrow so I'm not going to write too much tonight but I'm going to tell you this I'm really nervous about school. Its like my first day but I've been there all this year. I love Davy still I haven't seen Kevin in a long time but I don't really miss him like I used too. I want to dream of Davy so Ill go for tonight. See ya tomorrow. Bye.

Just in case you didn't notice, it's been a week max since the diary entry where I was so in love with Kevin and he invited me to the New Years party. Dave Foley is that powerful.

January 2, 1993

1993-01-02T16:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I havent seen my coven members in a long time but I have been saving for all our equipment like the Master Tools. So far I have 20 dollars for the Diadem, 10 dollars for the Bracelet, and 5 for the Garter. They'll each cost about 300 but its worth it. I only have 4$ for crystals and herbs but that will add up fast. I only have 1$ for candles, incense, etc. but that will add up quick too. Well I'm coming along well with my Book of Shadows and I trully feel Witchy now.
Well Kids in the Hall wasn't on tonight but Ill see it on the weekdays. God I love David Folley. Well Ill go now because I don't want to use my diary too soon.

Witchy Woman! Etc.

January 1, 1993 - 2

1993-01-01T16:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
Hello I'm back it may look like the same day but last night I got home late. I didn't get to watch Kids in the Hall tonight but I did last night and it was hilarious. I love David Folley and I want to meet him so bad. I feel love for him in my bones and in my heart, in my eyes when I see him even in my ears when I hear him. I truly do love him. Something I forgot to tell you yesterday is I am a Witch. I belong to a coven and I am the leader. We don't really pay much attention to the fact that were witches. I do but the other members don't. They're are supposed to be 12 of us but so far I only have four. Jesse my brother, Kevin my friend and boyfriend, Steven my friend, and myself.
Don't worry we don't kill people we just use the four elements for power.
The elements earth, air, fire and water have a lot of power for witches to use. I can't tell you anymore because its all in my book of shadows. One thing I can tell you more about is Dave Folley. I can talk of him until my lips shrivel and burn from the friction of how fast and how much I talk of him. I haven't told anyone and I won't either but I talk to myself about him. I remember his eyes so blue like you feel like your swimming when you look in them. I love him and I will go now so I can dream of him. Ill see you tomorrow. O.K.

Dave Foley has not aged well.

January 1, 1993

1993-01-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

Holy fuck this gets even more embarrassing. I don't even know how I manage to do it but I get worse! I guess it's easier to love a fake person on TV who I never have to react to. I joke about this now that I'm older. I pretend to have these kinds of obsessions...I don't think I was joking back then. ick. I don't remember being this stupid when I was 14!

Dear Journal,
Hello you are the only person I tell my real big secrets to so that's why I still have you and Ill be 15 on my next birthday. Usually I haven't been completly honest with my other Diaries but now I will be and I have written that I loved Kevin Arseneau in my other Diary but it has changed because I don't love him anymore he has changed and so have I. I fell in love with someone else that someone else is a comedian and he has his own T.V. show, that someone else is also canadian he lives in Saskatchewan his name is David Folley. Usually he's called Davy. He's off the show "Kids in the hall" I love that show. Its so awesome. I love Davy mostly when I see his face I smile from ear to ear. He's my now true love. I have a dream and one day I will try to make that dream come true. That dream is to meet Davy and become his best friend than his lover. I will make it come true. I swear. I will try. If I still love him.
Well its a new year and I'm tired because I just got home from babysitting. I got 4 dollars an hour for 5 hours. I now have 20 dollars and that makes 30 dollars to go in the bank for my education and my trip to Saskatchewan.
Well I'm going to go but I want to let you know that i think you will have some vital info in you this year.
Well I love David Folley and am going to Dream of him so I say to you Ill see you in the morning.
Oh one more thing about me i always find something to fill the pages that have lines left over. Bye.

At least I said "If I still love him". I'm starting to question myself which can be a good thing sometimes.

December 29, 1992

1992-12-29T15:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello this is my last entry in you because i am receiving a new Diary in 1993 to start a fresh new year. I loved writing in you an dtelling you all my hopes and dreams but I must go because every year you change with me. Goodbye.

The End...for now.

December 26, 1992

1992-12-26T15:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello, last night I had a dream and it was me and the man of my dreams are super hero's and we have sex alot. We would drop to the floor in the heat of passion and now I love this guy of my dreams but I love kevin because he's real. This guy is my lover when I go to sleep. Well I want to dream again so Bye!

Ha, ha, ha.

December 25, 1992

1992-12-25T15:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello today was xmas day and I loved it. Kevin gave me a presten mom and dad got us a computer plus I got pants, boots a pillow, a dumbel set, 55$, 10$ Macdonalds gift certificates, 2 pictures, and a cash box for my money.
It was fun because lots of stuff happened. Mike and Phil came over and mike was trying to stop his beer from blowing up so he put it in his mouth and it flew everywhere. My dad was called to work all day today and was out from 11:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night he only came home for an hour to eat supper. I missed him.
Kevin came over and Jesse left me and him alone upstairs and he was holding my hands kissing them while he asked me to go to a new years eve party. I said I would if I wasn't going babysitting. but I'll probably be babysitting. I wish I could go with him and babysit too. Well you know I love him very much. I just can't seem to express my love for him. No one taught me how to show my love and ill never be able too. Well Merry Xmas.

That was 50% depressing and 50% sweet. I wish I had of written what Kevin gave me for xmas.

December 23, 1992

1992-12-23T14:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello today was good I was very exhilerated and I bet you want to know why? Well Kevin was here today and you know how he makes my life feel so worthwhile and he makes me feel safe. I love him. I dream that one day I will mary him and he always says stuff like "You said your husband was going to be a drunken slob drinking 24 hours a day in front of the TV, well thanks." He was refering to a time when I was depressed and said I'd be sterile and poor waiting for my drunken slob, potatoe (couch) husband.
Today he said "Stevens girlfriend is ugly she doesn't use deodorant and is a slut. I think hes using her for sex, which I think is really mean" (unquote) I love him he knows when Im mad and sad and even if someone else is speaking to him and Im talking to myself he'll hear me. He always wants to hear what I have to say. I think he loves me and I know I love him thats for sure.
But there are times I don't like the way he's acting. Like when Steven is around Kevin acts weird like bad, gets high and drinks I mean he drinks alone too but he does all this more when stevens around. I mean I like Steven but its not right. I hate when Kevin does those things I want to dcry right now for it but I won't because I only like to think of the Kevin I love. I will try to help him with all his problems and I hope he'll help me with mine.
One problem I'd like to fix mostly is the (I'm leaving this part out because I don't feel this is the type of thing that's any of my business to tell people and it makes him look like a psycho. He wasn't at all, he was just an angry teenage boy who was going through some shit at the time.). I want to tell him how I feel when he talks like this but it scares me and I think that maybe he will get mad at me. But I will next time. I need to be alone with him more. I have no time longer than 2 mins alone with him ever. I love my Kevin and I want him to be mine forever and ever.
Oh god how I miss him now I missed him for the hour he went home for supper today. I always miss him that's why i need to marry him so I can be with him alone in almost all my spare time. Well anyway I need to speak of someone but Kevin.
Lately I've been good with my family and I've really gotten along with them. Except me and Jesse are growing farther apart. I forgot to tell you Dan and Jason moved back in its nice I guess but now we have twice as much stuff as we did before like dishes, washing machines, New Jasons Stereo (ha, ha the good one thank god) and lots more. Wel I guess I like having my family back together because its cozy. Stephanie (Jasons girlfriend) is like part of the family because she's here everyday but no one minds because everyone likes her alot.
Lately I have been praying every night and Reading. Mostly I pray for the poor starving children and tonight I prayed for Kevin because he said he sinned alot. So I prayed for god to forgive him for his sins. I like the Bible because its like a story and its really interesting. Woman was made as a companion for man you see Adam was lonely and the birds and and animals werent good mates so god took a rib from adam. While he was sleeping and made woman Eve from it. A rib because its equal not from his head to be higher or from his feet to be lower but from his middle to be equal. I myself found that very interesting.
Mom and dad went to moncton today for groceries and Jasons christmas present. They had to buy me tampons. I now go on the rag twice a month for the last two months. Its weird and I hate the fact that I'm on the rag for xmas. Theres no more days till xmas because its now the 24th 2:12am. I've been up a long time. I love xmas and I could sit here all night talking about it. I decorated our tree and I get a lot of compliments on it. I mean it only took me from 12:00 in the afternoon until 6:00 at night. Were getting a computer for xmas and I can't wait.
I can't wait till tomorrow or today I should say either. I'm going to spend my day with Kevin the go to church with mom and Meredith then I'm home to bed if I can sleep well I could ramble on all night but I think 7 pages is enough. Well I'm gonna go so I can dream of being with Kevin like I do every night. Okay Bye. See ya probably tonight or at about 9:00.
p.s. I hope every single person in the whole world has a very happy and nice xmas because i would love it if they did.

Good fucking God!
Okay first things first. I obviously had a guy who liked me quite a bit that I drove away with my emotional retardation. No matter how much effort he put in, I just kept thinking he didn't like me and therefore never showed him how much I liked him.
2nd You can see my need to fix the world all through this one. Except back then it was more like "I'm gonna be a hero". Now it's more like "Why is shit so fucked up and why does no one care?".
3rd Leave it to me to find feminism in the bible.

December 21, 1992

1992-12-21T14:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Hello I miss Kevin so much Im going to make love to him because I want him. My blood boils everytime I see his eyes. Well Im sorry I haven't written in a long time but theres not much to say. I know I passed all my exams with flying colors. Did about a 70 on my science one and about a 60 on my math. Well Im gonna go so Bye.

Flying colors. no.
Makin lurve. no