Wednesday, May 18, 1994

May 18, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello, I am going to describe yesterday in better detail.
Well I was in math when Doug called my name. I turned and he told me to come here. I didn't and he asked me what question we were supposed to do on the board. I told him. Then he told me to come here again so I did. Then he asked me if I liked Superchunk. I said "yeah why?" He said "Because I have a couple songs by them. Mover and On the Mouth".
Now all this time I just wanted to die. I kept making sure i wasn't going to faint.
So then I told him what ones I had and he said that they were good so I smiled and he said "Okay thanks for listening" in a joking kind of way. I said "Yup no problem".
Then in English I was giving Holly my zines and he asked me sommething about Superchunk and I gave him their mailorder catalogue. he read it and asked if I had given it to him to keep. I said yes and he said "really?" and I said yeah and he said thanks.
Then someone asked me what the zine was. I said it was my life and he said "Your life?" In the most serious way you could imagine.
It was weird. I thought all this was great but then science was the best class I have ever had.
I came into class and was waiting for the teacher to let me use the washroom. Doug came in an dasked me if I wanted ot hear the Superchunk song. I said "Yearh just a second" and went to the washroom. At the end of class he sked me again and I went over and he gave me the headphones (the machine was still on his belt). I put them on an dhe turned it on. the song was so good. I smiled real hard so that I wouldn't make an idiot of myself and jump up and down.
Anyway while i was listening to the song I couldn't help but think of how much I loved Doug but then someone called him and he took the machine off his belt and handed it to me. That felt so weird because it was like he was giving me his life (to me music is life). So he went back with that guy and they were looking at me while they talked (I wondered what they were talking about). So when he came back the bell rang and I couldn't find the stop button I was so excited. When I gave him back the walkman I asked him what tape that was off of. It was off mower. I said "I'm getting that when I get the money". He said "it's only $10". I said "Yeah but I'm poor". He said "Yeah me too". Then I left because I had to and I haven't seen him since.
He's 17 and I'm only 15 but he was born March 25 and I was born Sept 20th so its really only a year difference.
I really love him but I hope that Jill dosn't go on the field trip on the same day as us because I would rather cut my eyes out than see him with her. It hurts to see him with her. I don't think I could live with it if I had to see them together all day at the beach on our field trip. She doesn't know how lucky she is. I don't like her so I'm not gonna wish I wa her but I wish I was in her place.
I'll really miss Doug if I don't have him love me by the end of the year. I think that I will die. I swear.

Favorite music memory ever. Even better than the time I listened to Billy Idols greatest hits while having sex and it repeated at least 7 times before we got up to turn it off.
Mower. I still don't own it. I should.
I can see now what my problem is. I find something to relate to a guy I like. Instead of using it as an in, and then showing interest in him. I obsess over the thing we are talking about and he never has any idea I'm obsessing over him in my head. *sigh* I'm bad at flirting.

Tuesday, May 17, 1994

May 17, 1994

This is one of my favorite musical memories. :)

Dear Journal,
Hello today in math Doug asked me what tapes I had by Superchunk. We talked a while and then I gave him a catalogue for their music. Then he had a song by them taped an dhe let me listen to it on his walkman. I love him. he is going out with Jill but it doesn't bug me anymore. I don't care. I love him.
I hope he has the best life in the world thats all I want. I want him to be happy because I love him. I know I still want him and I may get him but I just want him to be happy.

Oh I didn't go into detail. I do that in the next entry.

Monday, May 16, 1994

May 16, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I still love Doug but there is this other guy Brian who calls me and I only like him as a friend.
Anyway I think Doug likes me but of course I say this everyday and it doesn't come true. But I love him and I need him.
I got two CDs today and I would die if anything happened to one of them. They are Sonic Youth "Experimental Jet Set Trash and No Star" and Hole "Live Through This". Well I'll have to drop some hints to Doug and hope he takes them and likes me. So I'll see you soon.
Uh oh. This is where the story of my fucked up vagina begins.

Dirty was my first Sonic Youth Album, I got it at the same time I got my Breeders, and Smashing Pumpkins Cd's. That was the christmas of 1993.

Wednesday, May 11, 1994

May 11, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I only saw Doug in one class today. Because I really miss him I think I'm gonna die.
I really wanted him to tell me he loved me. I really need that a lot. I have a speech I have to do in front of the class and I don't think I can do it. I'll fuck up majorly and I know I'll start to cry and everyone will hate me even more than they do now. I can't do it. I hurt just thinking aout it. I'd really like to die sometimes. The other times I just want to die. (I took out the really)
I have to go because its really late and I have to dream of Doug and see him in the morning.

Suicide is painless!
I don't remember being afraid of doing a speech. I don' t think I was scared to get up in front of the class, I was just scared to make an ass of myself in front of him again.

Tuesday, May 10, 1994

May 10, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello, as you can see I have made a chart in the back to see what I eat because I have gained a little too much weight. I don't like the way I look and intend to change it.
Well I made a complete fool out of myself today in front of Doug. I got one of my natural highs and went crazy. I talked all this nonsense and I could tell he was fed up with me but I couldn't help myself. I tried to stop but it didn't work. I'm so pissed at myself. I hate me. I wish I could get him to like me. i wish he and I could be friends. I really love him. I have to go.

So this one time I was 5'5" , weighed 110 and thought I was fat. I wonder if this had anything to do with not feeling good enough, or anything to do with feeling stupid. I'm sure it did.
Natural highs. I still get them, I still embarass myself. They were way worse back then though. It was like I was super drunk all of the sudden, except without the stumbling and slurring.

Monday, May 9, 1994

May 9, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I forgot to tell you about 2 weeks ago Doug lent me his sheet in class and he drove by in a car and smiled at me. I really like him.
Today in school I really missed and needed him because last night I dreamed that we were in school only it was outdoors and he was sitting beside me and he was so close and i kept wondering if he wanted me to turn so he could kiss me. So I turned and we both just sat there looking at each other. His hair was in his face and his eyes were shining out at me. They were all I could see so I wanted to just sink into them. I leaned forward and put my lips to his and when I kissed him I just felt like everything I ever worried about was gone. It was the best feeling I had ever had but then I woke up.
He looked so good in school today I just wanted him to kiss me for real. I feel like I can really feel his emotions. Like I can tell when he is sad, embarassed, etc. Not by looking but by feeling.
He has been talking to me lately. When he says my name and whatever else its like "Those were the sweetest words ever spoken to me".
Doug just makes me want to live. I was so suicidal and I still am but now I know I will never kill myself unless he really, really hurt me. Where as before I would have done it if someone looked at me the wrong way.
I'm really glad I found him. I don't know where I'd be right now if I hadn't. (Probably in an early grave.)
I guess I'll go for now but i know that when I come back next time I'll have more to say about Doug because he is my will to live. I know that's not healthy but he is.

Dreams can be pretty fucking awesome.
Suicide, not so awesome.
Feeling so strongly about someone that you get lost, awesome.
A boy being my will to live, not so awesome.