Monday, January 24, 1994

January 24, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello it's the weekend and I miss doug so much. I don't think he loves me anymore. I wish he did. i really hate the fact that I can have him but am too shy to ask. It really pisses me off.
Anyway I got all my 7" and CD's I ordered. Bratmobile, Frumpies, Bikinikill, Wordcore, Heaven's to Betsy, they all Rock and Rule. Bikini Kill is the best though. I love Kathleen Hanna. She is my hero, my idol. I also got my Total Pop zines and mailed about 700 letters.
I have no more to say except I wish I had the courage to ask Doug out.

That was pretty much the best day of my life for music and change. A turning point.

Sunday, January 16, 1994

January 16, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello on Thursday I almost had my dream. Doug was going to talk to me. He came over to me during the break and started to talk but then got scared and took off. I wanted to say "Hi" but was too scared myself.
After the break he was waiting to use the stapeler and so was I but it was broken. Someone said I did it. I said I didn't & Jokingly he said to me "We don't believe you". Then smiled. I smiled back and almost died because I wanted to grab him and crush him into me until we were one person. I really need for this to work.
I've never asked anyone out before but I think I'll ask him out if I can get up enough nerve. I'm just too shy. But so is he.
I wish I could ask him out. I really love him & I want to be with him. I'm going to go now because I need to get lots of sleep for when I see him tomorrow.

Holy fuck this is so cute. Sickening...but cute.
It is also very sad. Not only because I didn't have the self esteem or think I was good enough when I was 15, but because I still don't.
But still, I can't stop giggling and smiling.

Wednesday, January 12, 1994

January 12, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I really need Doug more every day. We like the same kinds of books & the same kind of people. I love him. He is different from other guys he doesn't just go alone with the male image. I really love that about him.
Uh oh! Don't let your guard down!

Wednesday, January 5, 1994

January 5, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello today I heard them talking in Biology again and I still don't know if they are talking about me. I wish they are. I wish Doug asks me out. I really love him but I'm scared to ask him. I've never asked someone out before even with all the people I've gone out with. Well Goodbye.
And I still haven't! I'm still that wimpy.

Sunday, January 2, 1994

January 2, 1994

Dear Journal,
I have so much to say but nothing to say its weird. I'm weird. Life is weird.
Well I still love Doug and get to see him on the 4th.
(<--- see that)
I just read the other page and realized how much that explains my life. Dreams. I mean sometimes I dream that me and Doug are in love and going out and then Ill think it's real and expect him to come over and hold me in class.
Sometimes I dream of friends and wake up to none. I dream of living and wake up to death.
it scares me because sometimes I think that I will never have a friend when that's the only thing I need just one friend who understands who I am.
I don't have any dreams just broken ones that get crushed even more everytime someone steps over them to step on my heart. I'm so scared of being a nobody that I can't be somebody. i don't normally like affection but everyday I need someone to kiss my forehead and tell me it's alright. All i need is for someone to love me and be there just to let me know I'm being thought of.
I can't cry because I don't have the emotional energy. I go back to school in two days and Im scared everyone will hate me. I'm scared they will make fun of me and laugh at me and scream at me. I have to get rid of this stupid thing. I need to be happy but I can't. I've tried but I just end up faking it and feeling worse.
I want Doug but I don't even know him. I'm tired of being without him, I need him but am too scared to tell him Too scared to have my last bit of pride taken away if he doesn't love me.