Wednesday, May 18, 1994

May 18, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello, I am going to describe yesterday in better detail.
Well I was in math when Doug called my name. I turned and he told me to come here. I didn't and he asked me what question we were supposed to do on the board. I told him. Then he told me to come here again so I did. Then he asked me if I liked Superchunk. I said "yeah why?" He said "Because I have a couple songs by them. Mover and On the Mouth".
Now all this time I just wanted to die. I kept making sure i wasn't going to faint.
So then I told him what ones I had and he said that they were good so I smiled and he said "Okay thanks for listening" in a joking kind of way. I said "Yup no problem".
Then in English I was giving Holly my zines and he asked me sommething about Superchunk and I gave him their mailorder catalogue. he read it and asked if I had given it to him to keep. I said yes and he said "really?" and I said yeah and he said thanks.
Then someone asked me what the zine was. I said it was my life and he said "Your life?" In the most serious way you could imagine.
It was weird. I thought all this was great but then science was the best class I have ever had.
I came into class and was waiting for the teacher to let me use the washroom. Doug came in an dasked me if I wanted ot hear the Superchunk song. I said "Yearh just a second" and went to the washroom. At the end of class he sked me again and I went over and he gave me the headphones (the machine was still on his belt). I put them on an dhe turned it on. the song was so good. I smiled real hard so that I wouldn't make an idiot of myself and jump up and down.
Anyway while i was listening to the song I couldn't help but think of how much I loved Doug but then someone called him and he took the machine off his belt and handed it to me. That felt so weird because it was like he was giving me his life (to me music is life). So he went back with that guy and they were looking at me while they talked (I wondered what they were talking about). So when he came back the bell rang and I couldn't find the stop button I was so excited. When I gave him back the walkman I asked him what tape that was off of. It was off mower. I said "I'm getting that when I get the money". He said "it's only $10". I said "Yeah but I'm poor". He said "Yeah me too". Then I left because I had to and I haven't seen him since.
He's 17 and I'm only 15 but he was born March 25 and I was born Sept 20th so its really only a year difference.
I really love him but I hope that Jill dosn't go on the field trip on the same day as us because I would rather cut my eyes out than see him with her. It hurts to see him with her. I don't think I could live with it if I had to see them together all day at the beach on our field trip. She doesn't know how lucky she is. I don't like her so I'm not gonna wish I wa her but I wish I was in her place.
I'll really miss Doug if I don't have him love me by the end of the year. I think that I will die. I swear.

Favorite music memory ever. Even better than the time I listened to Billy Idols greatest hits while having sex and it repeated at least 7 times before we got up to turn it off.
Mower. I still don't own it. I should.
I can see now what my problem is. I find something to relate to a guy I like. Instead of using it as an in, and then showing interest in him. I obsess over the thing we are talking about and he never has any idea I'm obsessing over him in my head. *sigh* I'm bad at flirting.

Tuesday, May 17, 1994

May 17, 1994

This is one of my favorite musical memories. :)

Dear Journal,
Hello today in math Doug asked me what tapes I had by Superchunk. We talked a while and then I gave him a catalogue for their music. Then he had a song by them taped an dhe let me listen to it on his walkman. I love him. he is going out with Jill but it doesn't bug me anymore. I don't care. I love him.
I hope he has the best life in the world thats all I want. I want him to be happy because I love him. I know I still want him and I may get him but I just want him to be happy.

Oh I didn't go into detail. I do that in the next entry.

Monday, May 16, 1994

May 16, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I still love Doug but there is this other guy Brian who calls me and I only like him as a friend.
Anyway I think Doug likes me but of course I say this everyday and it doesn't come true. But I love him and I need him.
I got two CDs today and I would die if anything happened to one of them. They are Sonic Youth "Experimental Jet Set Trash and No Star" and Hole "Live Through This". Well I'll have to drop some hints to Doug and hope he takes them and likes me. So I'll see you soon.
Uh oh. This is where the story of my fucked up vagina begins.

Dirty was my first Sonic Youth Album, I got it at the same time I got my Breeders, and Smashing Pumpkins Cd's. That was the christmas of 1993.

Wednesday, May 11, 1994

May 11, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I only saw Doug in one class today. Because I really miss him I think I'm gonna die.
I really wanted him to tell me he loved me. I really need that a lot. I have a speech I have to do in front of the class and I don't think I can do it. I'll fuck up majorly and I know I'll start to cry and everyone will hate me even more than they do now. I can't do it. I hurt just thinking aout it. I'd really like to die sometimes. The other times I just want to die. (I took out the really)
I have to go because its really late and I have to dream of Doug and see him in the morning.

Suicide is painless!
I don't remember being afraid of doing a speech. I don' t think I was scared to get up in front of the class, I was just scared to make an ass of myself in front of him again.

Tuesday, May 10, 1994

May 10, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello, as you can see I have made a chart in the back to see what I eat because I have gained a little too much weight. I don't like the way I look and intend to change it.
Well I made a complete fool out of myself today in front of Doug. I got one of my natural highs and went crazy. I talked all this nonsense and I could tell he was fed up with me but I couldn't help myself. I tried to stop but it didn't work. I'm so pissed at myself. I hate me. I wish I could get him to like me. i wish he and I could be friends. I really love him. I have to go.

So this one time I was 5'5" , weighed 110 and thought I was fat. I wonder if this had anything to do with not feeling good enough, or anything to do with feeling stupid. I'm sure it did.
Natural highs. I still get them, I still embarass myself. They were way worse back then though. It was like I was super drunk all of the sudden, except without the stumbling and slurring.

Monday, May 9, 1994

May 9, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I forgot to tell you about 2 weeks ago Doug lent me his sheet in class and he drove by in a car and smiled at me. I really like him.
Today in school I really missed and needed him because last night I dreamed that we were in school only it was outdoors and he was sitting beside me and he was so close and i kept wondering if he wanted me to turn so he could kiss me. So I turned and we both just sat there looking at each other. His hair was in his face and his eyes were shining out at me. They were all I could see so I wanted to just sink into them. I leaned forward and put my lips to his and when I kissed him I just felt like everything I ever worried about was gone. It was the best feeling I had ever had but then I woke up.
He looked so good in school today I just wanted him to kiss me for real. I feel like I can really feel his emotions. Like I can tell when he is sad, embarassed, etc. Not by looking but by feeling.
He has been talking to me lately. When he says my name and whatever else its like "Those were the sweetest words ever spoken to me".
Doug just makes me want to live. I was so suicidal and I still am but now I know I will never kill myself unless he really, really hurt me. Where as before I would have done it if someone looked at me the wrong way.
I'm really glad I found him. I don't know where I'd be right now if I hadn't. (Probably in an early grave.)
I guess I'll go for now but i know that when I come back next time I'll have more to say about Doug because he is my will to live. I know that's not healthy but he is.

Dreams can be pretty fucking awesome.
Suicide, not so awesome.
Feeling so strongly about someone that you get lost, awesome.
A boy being my will to live, not so awesome.

Sunday, April 24, 1994

April 24, 1994

Dear Diary,
I have this hunger but it's not for food its for Dougs love. I've been doing everything I can to pass the time so I can see him tomorrow but it feels like time is going twice as slow. I just wanna have him be here forever alone together. I really miss him.
Is it a waste of life to dream instead of doing? What if you really enjoy it. If it's enjoyable is it really a waste?

Thursday, April 21, 1994

April 21, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello everything is different now. I feel really different than I did before. I have a lot to write but I don' t know if I'll write it all. I have been having the weirdest things flash through my head. Just stupid phrases like"My lover hates me" or "God has no friends".
Doug really makes me happy to see him. I wish we could be together. He says things in class that make me want to carry on really great conversations with him. He just seems so smart. I really like him.
Anyway I was walking through school today and I saw Corey C. I forgot how hot he was. Anyway I just wanted to grab him and have him as mine forever. But I guess thats foolish. Well I guess I won't tell you all I had to say because I forgot it. OOOps. Well I go cause I really need my rest so I can dream of Doug.
Smart and hot. Hmmmm.

Saturday, March 19, 1994

March 19, 1994

Dear Journal,
Kurt Cobain shot himself yesterday. i can't write anymore because he was on e of my hero's and now I want it all to be gone.

My dad told me. I think he had been crying.

Friday, March 18, 1994

March 18, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello how are you? Stupidest line in the world I know.
Well I'm bored as hell and I have only 2 days till school. I'm glad because I miss Doug so much I could puke. I mean it. I wish we were at least friends. I guess I could ask him out but thats so stupid because I'm too much of a geek or whatever the fuck you want to call me. I really have nothing to say tonight so I'm gonna just keep babbling until this page is filled hopefully it will be filled when I'm done saying this. Well maybe not but who cares because I'm gonna go anyway. So Goodbye. See ya soon.

Ya know what's funny. I still remember little things. Like Doug chose Clockwork Orange as the book he read for a project in English (I chose One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest). I rented the movie and became obsessed with it for a long time. I associated it with him...which is kind of creepy now that I think about it. I remember wondering what his opinions on the rape scene's were because they really bothered me and I didn't understand why at the time. I thought it was just the nudity that was bothering me.
I also remember his favorite poem was "Snake" by D.H. Lawrence. I pretty much peed my pants when I found out he had a favorite poem. It didn't really matter what it was about. He had a favorite, which meant he somewhat paid attention to poetry.

D. H. Lawrence


A snake came to my water-trough
On a hot, hot day, and I in pyjamas for the heat,
To drink there.

In the deep, strange-scented shade of the great dark carob-tree
I came down the steps with my pitcher
And must wait, must stand and wait, for there he was at the trough before

He reached down from a fissure in the earth-wall in the gloom
And trailed his yellow-brown slackness soft-bellied down, over the edge of
the stone trough
And rested his throat upon the stone bottom,
i o And where the water had dripped from the tap, in a small clearness,
He sipped with his straight mouth,
Softly drank through his straight gums, into his slack long body,

Someone was before me at my water-trough,
And I, like a second comer, waiting.

He lifted his head from his drinking, as cattle do,
And looked at me vaguely, as drinking cattle do,
And flickered his two-forked tongue from his lips, and mused a moment,
And stooped and drank a little more,
Being earth-brown, earth-golden from the burning bowels of the earth
On the day of Sicilian July, with Etna smoking.
The voice of my education said to me
He must be killed,
For in Sicily the black, black snakes are innocent, the gold are venomous.

And voices in me said, If you were a man
You would take a stick and break him now, and finish him off.

But must I confess how I liked him,
How glad I was he had come like a guest in quiet, to drink at my water-trough
And depart peaceful, pacified, and thankless,
Into the burning bowels of this earth?

Was it cowardice, that I dared not kill him? Was it perversity, that I longed to talk to him? Was it humility, to feel so honoured?
I felt so honoured.

And yet those voices:
If you were not afraid, you would kill him!

And truly I was afraid, I was most afraid, But even so, honoured still more
That he should seek my hospitality
From out the dark door of the secret earth.

He drank enough
And lifted his head, dreamily, as one who has drunken,
And flickered his tongue like a forked night on the air, so black,
Seeming to lick his lips,
And looked around like a god, unseeing, into the air,
And slowly turned his head,
And slowly, very slowly, as if thrice adream,
Proceeded to draw his slow length curving round
And climb again the broken bank of my wall-face.

And as he put his head into that dreadful hole,
And as he slowly drew up, snake-easing his shoulders, and entered farther,
A sort of horror, a sort of protest against his withdrawing into that horrid black hole,
Deliberately going into the blackness, and slowly drawing himself after,
Overcame me now his back was turned.

I looked round, I put down my pitcher,
I picked up a clumsy log
And threw it at the water-trough with a clatter.

I think it did not hit him,
But suddenly that part of him that was left behind convulsed in undignified haste.
Writhed like lightning, and was gone
Into the black hole, the earth-lipped fissure in the wall-front,
At which, in the intense still noon, I stared with fascination.

And immediately I regretted it.
I thought how paltry, how vulgar, what a mean act!
I despised myself and the voices of my accursed human education.

And I thought of the albatross
And I wished he would come back, my snake.

For he seemed to me again like a king,
Like a king in exile, uncrowned in the underworld,
Now due to be crowned again.

And so, I missed my chance with one of the lords
Of life.
And I have something to expiate:
A pettiness.

Taormina, 1923

Sunday, March 13, 1994

March 13, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello its March break and on the last day of school Doug did two things and I don't know if they were from hate or love. The first was in math. I was copying questions from the board and he was getting help from the teacher and he stood right in my way and smiled. He wouldn't move. I don't know if it meant "Fuck Off" or "Look at me I love you". All I know is I came home at lunch and cried.
The second thing was when we were doing Julius Caesar he stabbed me when he wasn't supposed to. I don't know if it meant he hates me or he wanted to flirt wtih me.
Anyway I've had a pretty boring March break so far and I still have a week to go. Someone called for me 2 times it was a guy. The first time I hung up because I was scared because he didn't say his name. The second time Jesse told him I wasn't home. I have to know who it is because it really gets to me. I 'm really tired and I want to go to sleep but I have to finish this page. I really want to be Dougs girl. I want him to be my guy. It really pisses me off that I'm too wimpy to do anything about it.
I guess I'll go for tonight but I'll see you when I have more to say.

I just can't think of anything to say here so I will just shake my head. Stupid Girl.

Tuesday, March 8, 1994

March 8, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello it's late and I'm tired. I love Doug. I miss Doug and in school today I just wanted to love him. Wait i mean I just wanted him to love me. I only have 2 days left then I won't see him for a week and a half. I'm too tired and I just want to dream.
I remember what's coming next. Julius Caesar!

Monday, March 7, 1994

March 7, 1994

Dear Journal,
I haven't written in a while I know but I've just been a complete mess. My life has been a complete mess and Doug doesn't love me and I think he is going out with Jill.
I want to be shot it hurts so much to love and not be loved.
Kurt Cobain of Nirvana is in a Coma. He was taking medicine for a flu an dhe drank liquor and they don't mix.
I need Doug. Everyday I think of him and wonder. I wonder a lot of things. It's killing me.
"Bleed in your own light, dream of your own life, and on and on, I touch my soul, I shall be free"
Well life sucks because I've done everything thats legal and moral and I have nothing left to live for except Doug S.
I'm gonna go because I'm tired of writing nothing.
"The killer in me is the killer in you"
Oh I remember this day well. She came to visit him. I think it was in typing class. That's how I found out. I even remember what she was wearing. One of those long hippy skirts and a shirt to match. *sigh* Poor me.

Thursday, February 3, 1994

February 3, 1994

I keep reading the first line of each entry before I type it out and it makes me blush so hard I cover my face, even though I'm all by myself. Gah!

Dear Journal,
Hello today I had a moment where I stared Doug in the eyes & he was smiling. I really love his smile. But his eyes are the best. back in the old days Frank Sinatra was famous for his blue eyes and boy were they blue. Well Dougs shine twice as much. That's the only way I can describe it I guess.
He makes me just want to be loved even though I said I never wanted to be in love again because I don't want to be hurt again. I knew love was suppossed to hurt in the end but I wasn't ready for the pain even though I thought I was. I guess no one is. But Im in love again and I can't control it. I don't think Doug loves me anymore but I still love him.
Well I got my mail order list from K Records today (is the greatest). I ordered a couple things I cut out the picturesin it they werw Lois, Mecca Normal, Tiger Trap, Pork, FYP and someone else.
I can't think of anymore but Doug today becaue I don't think he loves me anymore. Wehn he looked at me in class today I just wanted to kiss him all over, up an ddown, over and out -Roger.
I'm obsessed again I know but I can't help it. Like I've said a million times, I need him.
I have to dream tonight of his eyes and smile and way of life and everything about him so I'll go until another day when I have more to say.

For god sakes no one smile at me or I'll swallow your soul!

Monday, January 24, 1994

January 24, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello it's the weekend and I miss doug so much. I don't think he loves me anymore. I wish he did. i really hate the fact that I can have him but am too shy to ask. It really pisses me off.
Anyway I got all my 7" and CD's I ordered. Bratmobile, Frumpies, Bikinikill, Wordcore, Heaven's to Betsy, they all Rock and Rule. Bikini Kill is the best though. I love Kathleen Hanna. She is my hero, my idol. I also got my Total Pop zines and mailed about 700 letters.
I have no more to say except I wish I had the courage to ask Doug out.

That was pretty much the best day of my life for music and change. A turning point.

Sunday, January 16, 1994

January 16, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello on Thursday I almost had my dream. Doug was going to talk to me. He came over to me during the break and started to talk but then got scared and took off. I wanted to say "Hi" but was too scared myself.
After the break he was waiting to use the stapeler and so was I but it was broken. Someone said I did it. I said I didn't & Jokingly he said to me "We don't believe you". Then smiled. I smiled back and almost died because I wanted to grab him and crush him into me until we were one person. I really need for this to work.
I've never asked anyone out before but I think I'll ask him out if I can get up enough nerve. I'm just too shy. But so is he.
I wish I could ask him out. I really love him & I want to be with him. I'm going to go now because I need to get lots of sleep for when I see him tomorrow.

Holy fuck this is so cute. Sickening...but cute.
It is also very sad. Not only because I didn't have the self esteem or think I was good enough when I was 15, but because I still don't.
But still, I can't stop giggling and smiling.

Wednesday, January 12, 1994

January 12, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I really need Doug more every day. We like the same kinds of books & the same kind of people. I love him. He is different from other guys he doesn't just go alone with the male image. I really love that about him.
Uh oh! Don't let your guard down!

Wednesday, January 5, 1994

January 5, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello today I heard them talking in Biology again and I still don't know if they are talking about me. I wish they are. I wish Doug asks me out. I really love him but I'm scared to ask him. I've never asked someone out before even with all the people I've gone out with. Well Goodbye.
And I still haven't! I'm still that wimpy.

Sunday, January 2, 1994

January 2, 1994

Dear Journal,
I have so much to say but nothing to say its weird. I'm weird. Life is weird.
Well I still love Doug and get to see him on the 4th.
(<--- see that)
I just read the other page and realized how much that explains my life. Dreams. I mean sometimes I dream that me and Doug are in love and going out and then Ill think it's real and expect him to come over and hold me in class.
Sometimes I dream of friends and wake up to none. I dream of living and wake up to death.
it scares me because sometimes I think that I will never have a friend when that's the only thing I need just one friend who understands who I am.
I don't have any dreams just broken ones that get crushed even more everytime someone steps over them to step on my heart. I'm so scared of being a nobody that I can't be somebody. i don't normally like affection but everyday I need someone to kiss my forehead and tell me it's alright. All i need is for someone to love me and be there just to let me know I'm being thought of.
I can't cry because I don't have the emotional energy. I go back to school in two days and Im scared everyone will hate me. I'm scared they will make fun of me and laugh at me and scream at me. I have to get rid of this stupid thing. I need to be happy but I can't. I've tried but I just end up faking it and feeling worse.
I want Doug but I don't even know him. I'm tired of being without him, I need him but am too scared to tell him Too scared to have my last bit of pride taken away if he doesn't love me.