Tuesday, December 7, 1993

December 7th, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello, I try to get Doug to love me but he wont & why should he when all the other girls are far far better.
I try to make him notice me but I don't know how. I really love him. Its almost the same love I felt for Kevin. I'm going to change the subject but only because its important.
Lately i have been having anxiety attacks and a lot of them! One in almost every class Doug is in. I don' t know why but also I have been hearing voices in my head screaming at me telling me to do this and that.
I babble to myself all the time. I hear songs playing constantly in my head. I'm scared because these are symptoms of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia can also cause people to have hallucinations, delusions (weird false beliefs that have no basis really). or an inablity to think clearly. I have all thes too. It scared me. I get upset with what the evil people do to one another. I wish I could live in the woods alone with Doug to love me. I'm so scared and so vulnerable i can't live alone.
Everyone would be better off if I was dead.
One schizophrenic named Michael said something that reminded me exactly of me. "Everyone has their point of view. I haven't been in school since ninth grade and generally kids who go to school are meshed together with everyone else, supposed to become like everyone else, and I haven't so what I say may sound eccentric. My whole life consists of spirituality, meditation, prayer. I belong back in the 17th, 18th, 19th Centrury. There was more individuality back then. Like Megadeath they talk about it. They mention limits, limit your creativity, something like that , America's based on money thes days, every car looks like every other car, everything has to sell something else. Everyone gets filled with information so they can be the same, have the same house, make their kids be the same and their kids and their kids."
I think that is so awesome. I have to go soon so I will end talking about Doug because I really miss him and Love him. I need to dream of him tonight or i won't be able to live. Dreams are all I've got and I'm not about to give them up. If I ever had to i'd kill myself because it's the only way I can tell Doug I love him, the only way I can have him hold me. Goodbye.

Apparently those voices are called "radiohead". I used to have a few halucinations as well. I once ate a piece of cake that wasn't really there. I used to see this guy with dark hair, dark jeans and a black and red striped sweater. He used to not really talk, but give me looks that made me feel better, loved.
Apparently this is some mild for of schizophrenia that can happen in teens and goes away when they grow up. I'm still pretty fucking paranoid, but not schizo...I don't think.

Friday, December 3, 1993

December 3, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I really want to feel Doug holding me. I need to feel him loving me. In English the other day I was late and he said "How come your so late we were just in typing" (typing is across the hall)
I said "what" and he said "Nothing, hi!" and I said "Hi!".
Then later on I heard him ask Jenelle C. where my house is. She told him she would show him that night.
I really love him. I need him to be close to me so I can get to know him and have him tell me things. I want to have him hold me so i can listen to his heart beat.

I can't decide whether to laugh or throw up half the time. *shakes head*