Tuesday, November 30, 1993

November 30, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello, in math for the last 2 days Doug has been throwing paper balls at me. I don't know if it means he hates me or loves me. I mean you never can tell now a days. I know I love and want him. He was also talking to Allison about me. I'm gonna go for today. Goodbye.

Basically unless you walk up to me and ask me to give birth to your children, I won't know if you like me...even then I'll probably assume you are being sarcastic and making fun of me. Jesus, I feel sorry for any guy who has every had the annoyance of trying to let me know he liked me.

Monday, November 15, 1993

November 15, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello Doug wasn't in school today and it made me very sad. As long as I can just see, hear and feel him around I can survive. I mean I'm not obsessed with him but I do love him. I would never allow myself to become obsessed iwth a guy again. Its just not good for me. In fact it sucks because all you ever feel is pain. I really love Doug and I'm glad he is in 4/7 of my classes. He will be in all four of those tomorrow. I have double math and typing, English Biology in the afternoon. Well I guess i am obsessed. Oh well Fuck it. I'm gonna go but Ill see you tomorrow.

Yes, fuck it.

November 15, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello in the last week I have been so happy because I think Doug likes me.
It started off that he said hi to me in the hall. I smiled and went on my way because I thought he was making fun of me. But then in typing he was out in the hall having a conversation with Amy and when they came in they were still talking and I heard Amy say "Her mom was the one who cut my hair" and Doug goes "Oh yeah?" and my mom cuts Amy's hair. I didn't know if he liked me but I kind of thought he did but they could have just been making fun of me. So then I started noticing Doug giving looks my way in English and all the friends of his started saying hi to me. but the day I almost knew he liked me because I'm still not too sure was the day when I was in the biology lab and he was talking to his partner Alison and she was saying "Come on Doug just talk to her" and he was going "I don't know" in an insecure way. Then when they passed by me Alison goes "Hi jenn". This was right after their conversation. You usually don't say hi to someone you barely know unless you were thinking or talking about them.
Oh I forgot to tell you about today in English. Everytime I said something he and Steven would laugh if it was funny. But I wasn't talking aloud so they must have been listening to my conversation. And in Math when he first walked in the first place he looked was over at my seat. When he does something that I think is a hint or when he is talking about me, he acts so insecure and he is usually so out going. I hope he doesn't think I'm the kind of person who thinks they're too good for anybody because I'm not.
I really like him but I don't think he will ever ask me out because he is so "in" and I'm not. He hangs around with the in crowd and I don't have a single close friend.
But I really love him. God I love him. Everything I do I think of him. It gets pretty pathetic somethings. I really want him to love me. I want to at least get to know him better. I've liked him since the first of the year. The second day of school. Well Bye.

AHHHH! So fucking cute.
But even now I think "Were they making fun of me? Were they talking about me or someone else?"