Tuesday, October 26, 1993

October 26, 1993

Dear Journal,
hello how are ya? Today really sucked but of course what day doesn't. Jesse was telling me about this awesome movie that was on T.V. last night it's called "Heathers". Its about these five friends and three of them are named Heather and the other 2 are boyfriend and girlfriend and they do all this awesome stuff. I wish I had friends. I'm so lonely I could die. I have no friends, no man and no life. I think I'll try to make a life for myself. I'm going to start tomorrow. I'll plan it so Ill go. I hope I have something to tell you tomorrow. Ill go for now. Goodbye.

I've made this plan more times than I can remember.

Sunday, October 24, 1993

October 24, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello my weekend was so boring. I have nothing to write except that I have a lot of CD's I want to buy. I had an awesome dream last night though. i don't remember much of it though. I guess i'll go because I have no more to say. bye

Saturday, October 16, 1993

October 16, 1993

Dear Journal,
hello I'm scared to grow up. I don't really want to. Everyday is like a punch in the stomach. I'm really scared. I'm not scared to die but I'm scared to grow old. I have to go now because I am too tired to think. i'll see you soon. O.k. Goodbye.

Oh hi! Your back! Have another bite, take a drink from this vein while your at it, you must be thirsty you've been working hard to destroy my life.

Thursday, October 14, 1993

October 14, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello today was like every other day except Doug skips a lot of his classes and I barely ever see him. I miss him really bad. He makes me feel good just to sit beside him because it causes this feeling in my head. It makes me feel high. It is just like I want to die to get next to him. I think I would kill for him. I know that's really stupid but I don't think I'd do it. I know I would die for him though. That's for sure. I want to die violently when I'm anywhere near him. He just makes me feel good about myself and I don't even know a thing about him. I know its weird but I don't care. i'll go now so I'll see you soon. Bye.

I'm reading this, and I'm thinking about a girl who is a lifer in the system because she got mixed up in a murder with her boyfriend (who was older) when she was like 13. I'm thinking that maybe the justice system needs to learn more about young people and how much things really do change with age. I am totally not the kind of girl who would kill for a guy, but back then I thought maybe I could be, I wonder how much convincing it would have taken, how much mental abuse and fear.

Saturday, October 9, 1993

October 9, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello its not a very good day. Last night Jason's 2 est friends & one of their irl friends were in a car crash. They aremy 2 favorite people that are friends of Jason and I'm really feeling sick now because I'm scared.
They were driving drunk and the car went off the field and rolled they were thrown everywhere. They didn't have their seat belts on. Bob got hurt pretty bad all I know is he cracked a few ribs and some other stuff. Terry cut his hand up pretty bad and Bob's girlfriend is okay but she threw up from the shock of it all. How they lived no one knows. There is nothing left of the car. It was Bob's life because he needs a car to get to his job an dhis license will be taken away. So now he will lose his job and he will have no money. It really scared me i almost threw up from the shock of finding out jason could have been with them. I have to go. i'll see you soon. I need to think I still am scared. Goodbye.

I remember sitting in front of my record player all day listening to music, half crying, thinking about this.

Friday, October 8, 1993

Octobe 8, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello today was just another day and for the last two days Doug has skipped all his classes but 3 and I miss him. I don't know what to say except I'm bored.
Oh my 4 Non blondes CD is in and I'm going to buy it tomorrow. Well I'm gonna go, goodbye.

Get your ass to class boys! Your causing girls like me to frown.

Tuesday, October 5, 1993

October 5, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello today was good because in science when I was cutting a letter 'e' out of the newspaper for my biology project Doug leaned over my shoulder and cut one out of the same newspaper page. He said "Can I use this for a second" and I said "Yeah". It was nothing to anyone else in the world but it was heaven to me. I just wanted to be alone with him for the rest of the day. I'm not saying I was horny or anything gross like that I'm just saying I felt so much love for him right then I could have died. If love was money I would be the richest person in the world.
I think I'm devoloping a split personality because when I felt love I also felt jealous of myself. its like both parts of me were in love but one part was jealous of the other because he was close to that personality. I don't know or care because all I can think of right now is how close he was to me and how much I love him. I just want to be next to him for the rest of my life. Bye.

Not that horny is gross (that was my sexual guilt talking) but I really just felt sweetness for him. Sickening sweetness.

Monday, October 4, 1993

October 4, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel so fucked up. I think my life is going to pop.
Today was just like every other day, boring. Im bored with life. Im not scared to die because Im just not. i don't know why. I guess Ill go because I'm crazy. Goodbye.

Hello Depression. C'mon in, have a seat. Would you like some tea? Something to eat? Here have a bite of this here heart. Good isn't it?