Thursday, September 23, 1993

September 23, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello Doug is the one thing I want right now. I miss his face and just hate school when he isn't in my class. Typing, Math, English, and Biology are my favorite subjects. I feel happy when I feel his presence in the room. I just like being near him. In biology I sit right beside him. Thats usually when he talks to me. he doesn't carry on a conversation he just says little things like "Where did that go" (When his paper fell on the floor) or "Is this class almost over". But I just feel like the Queen of the Earth when he looks at me and says these little things. I miss him right now and I'm depressed I can't breath. I'm gonna go so Ill see you soon.


Tuesday, September 21, 1993

September 21, 1993

Dear Diary,
Hello today Doug talked to me in every class and he even sat beside me in typing. I really like him.
Today I got 2 CD's. Matthew Sweet (Altered Beast) and Nirvana (In Utero). I like Matthew Sweet. I never listened to Nirvana.
I love Doug and will dream of him tonight. Well goodbye.

Just for the record I never listened to Nirvana means "I haven't listened to the In Utero CD yet". That fucking Nirvana Nevermind album was glued to my head the whole summer before grade 9. I remember fishing with Jesse and Kevin at the pumping station and just playing it over and over and over, and etc.

Monday, September 20, 1993

September 20, 1993

Dear Diary,
hello its my B-day no one even knew but I don't care. I don't want people to know. By the way I like someone new his name is Doug S.
He's really cool I don't know why but I think he is one of the sexiest guys on earth.
Jeremy died his hair green. Well I'm gonna go so Bye.

And so it begins. The Doug S. obsession. This is the crush I remember more details about than any other crush. When people talk about crushes this is the first one that comes to mind. Other than the two guys I slept with in high school (and other than Kevin because that was technically Junior high) this guy was the big hurt but also has the most cozy memories for me to look back on. Boo hoo, etc.

Monday, September 6, 1993

September 6, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello today was the first day of school. I was walking down the hall and Cory S, Jeremy and some other guys passed me. Corey stared at me and when I passed by Jeremy walked backwards and watched me. I love having him in my school. Even when I don't see him he makes me feel good because he is the one who brings back all the memories. I want to see him again tomorrow. I really love him. Ill tell you everything about him from now on. I'll see you soon cause I can't stop talking about him. I hope he notices me too and I hope he likes me because I really need him. Ill go for now but Ill see you real soon. Goodbye.

I just blushed and giggled. So cute.

Saturday, September 4, 1993

September 4, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I really miss David. I feel so lonely. I looked out the window the other day and I saw the skaters. As I looked down Jeremy looked up. It brought back a lot of feelings. When he saw me he smiled. I don't think he told anyone I was looking. I hope he didn't. he was always my favorite skater. He was the nicest. I wish we were still friends. maybe next year since we will be in the same school agian he will try to be my friend. I know I will try to be his. I think I love him. I don't know all I know is right now I really need him to talk to because I feel if I don't have him I will explode. well I have to go soon. Goodbye.

How ... cute and romantic.

Friday, September 3, 1993

September 3, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I almost fell in love again. His name is David. He's 22 but still in grade 12. He is the brother of the guy who shares a house with the guy I rake blueberries for. It started off that he would make fun of me in a nice way. He was really flirting. He would make me laugh and then he would make fun of my smile. I couldn't help but smile. I thought I loved him and now I think I do. I wanted him to kiss me so bad on the way home the day before he went back to St. John. But I liked what he did. He sat beside me and he was so close I had to put my back on his chest so I guess I was really in his arms. He talked to me and he would nudge me when I wasn't smiling. I guess he liked to see me smile. I loved the feel of having him so close to me. I miss him so much now. I only knew him for 5 days but I love him. he could make me smile at the drop of a hat and its not easy to make me smile at all. He's really into sports he plays almost every sport except for golf. He was so perfect for me. He likes kids. He is going to go to college. he likes most of the things I like. I wish he lived in Amherst. I want to see him when he comes to visit next year. i love him. I cried the day he left and I'm still depressed because he is not here. I wasn't looking for love it just fell into my lap. I didn't even want it but now that I have it I realize how much I need to love and how I need to be loved even more. Well Bye.

22 BUT STILL IN GRADE 12!@?!IUH!IUH What the hell is going on here? Why was he flirting with a 14 year old?!

That sentence about the brother of the house sharer should actually read something like this: "He is the brother of the lover of the guy I rake blueberries for." I don't know if I was naive, or if I just didn't want to say something politically incorrect.

So I wasn't a total idiot. All the things that we like that were the same. I know your thinking "He just said he liked things that you liked so you would want him". But I didn't really talk. I just listened to him talk. I was a love crazy little child, but I was also totally suspicious of everything.