Thursday, July 22, 1993

July 22, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello, I'm scared I will never find anyone to understand me enough to love me. When I read a book and the criminal is talking about himself he sounds like someone I could love because its just like me so I always understand them. I don't know if I'm psycho or not because I fall in love with killers but I wish they didn't kill. I dont' know.

Hmmm. I guess this just goes to show how thin the line is between lonely teen and psycho killer teen.

Monday, July 12, 1993

July 12, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello, today was boring. I didn't do much because I was too tired.
Jason and his girlfriend broke up and I can tell he is depressed about it even though he broke up with her.
Just like I broke up with Kevin but I was hurt by it and not him. Stephanie doesn't even seem to care even though she looked like she loved him. Well I'll go for tonight. See ya.

She's dead now. She had some sort of brain tumors I think. She died long after they broke up, but it still tore him apart. I worry about having to deal with this kind of thing, and having to deal with the jealousy of whoever I'm dating when it happens.

Friday, July 9, 1993

July 9, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I don't know why I wrote today cause I don't really have anything to say except I have a new CD called "Help" by the Beatles.
I'm so sad I feel like a fool. I don't know why I just feel like crying but I can't. I haven't really cried in about a year or more. I guess it's cause I'm hurting so bad I can't. I guess I'll watch Kids in the Hall again tonight. I love that show. It really makes me happy. Its on at 5:30 in the morning. It was on at 10 last night it was so funny I almost died. i always have and always will feel some love for the guys on that show. I love David the best because of his eyes. they are so...Oh god, you know. His face is round and he has the cutest cheeks. I just can't explain. I guess Ill go.

5:30am was a pretty normal time for me to be wide awake. Fricken insomnia.

Saturday, July 3, 1993

July 3, 1993 - 2

Dear Journal,
I need Kevin back. He was the only one I understood and he was the only one who understood me. Most guys try to make you feel really stupid but he never did and if I did feel stupid he made me feel smart again. I loved him. I've loved him now for about 1 year and a half. I don't feel like a real person without him. I feel like I'm not real. I know he has to feel the same way. I know it was my fault we broke up. It was because I don't know how to show im how much I love him. i'm gonna go. I guess I'll dream about him.

Sometimes dreaming wasn't code for masturbation...sometimes it was just sweet, innocent, desperate dreaming.

July 3rd, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I stayed overnight at Holly's last night and it was fun. At first we didn't know what to do then she got me to draw a picture on her computer. I named it "Images of broken light". Then we talked about how I still love Kevin. Then she gave me a tape by the Beatles "Abbey Road" Then we watched Psyco 5 and went to bed. In the morning I came home. It was fun I'm going to ask her to stay over night next week. I love Kevin and want him back. Once you know how it feels to be loved you never want to feel that emptyness you want to fill it up right away. I feel so empty. Bye.

I really wish I had put more effort into this friendship. I was an idiot.