Wednesday, June 30, 1993

June 30, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I passed the year. I made a 63 in English but I know its not fair because I got all 80's and 90's on my tests and 80 on my exam. I didn't talk in class except to answer the teacher.
I got a 79 in gym, a 85 in social studies, a 78 in PDR, a 65 in Science, 55 in math, a 85 in french and a 85 in Home Ec. I'm pleased but I know I deserved more in English.
Well all together I got $200 for grading. I spent 25 on a C.D. Porno for Pyro's and I spent $100 on books. I still have 80 dollars to do what I please. I don't know. I find summer to be boring. I think that fall is better. I have to stay at a cottage for 2 weeks this summer so I guess I'll buy 5 books and my other CD and a couple crystals.
I'm getting a guitar for Christmas. An electric one. I love guitars I always wanted to learn how to play one.
This is the last blue page I have to fill and then I'm in to the pink part and that's for summer. Well I still love Kevin and I wish he still loved me but I guess I'll never see that happen again. I mean you can't always get what you want. I guess I only got one chance. I don't know. I know I have to get over him but it seems like I never will. They say time heals a broken heart but its been 6 months or 7 since I knew he no longer loved me and I still feel the same.

Look at me putting those math skills to use!
I don't think I was completely honest about not talking in English. Looking back, all I remember doing was talking to my friend Mike all year long. We sat in the back of the class. Also I forgot all about that failing grade for the Vampire story.
I wonder what the second CD was that I bought.
I still have that guitar. It was a little dwarf of a thing. I learned a few songs, then got obsessed with a new boy, then started drinking and doing drugs and forgot I was able to do anything else with my free time.

Wednesday, June 23, 1993

June 23, 1993 -2

Dear Journal,
Hello 3 days ago I came downstairs for the first time all day and I saw pictures on the table so I went & started looking at them. Then I seen Helena in one of those homely sun visors so I called to Jesse and started laughing. Mom yelled at me to put the pictures down and to go bed. (It was 7:00)
I know I shouldn't have said this but I told her to kiss my arse.
Then I got in all this trouble and I was sent back up to my room & I was only downstairs for 5 minutes that whole day. Now when mom told me to shut up I didn't see her get in trouble.
Then yesterday I came downstairs with a bag and I put it on the floor while I watched T.V. So mom started to bitch about how she cleaned the house all day (she only vacuumed).
I let her bitch through 2 1/2 minutes of commercials but when the show came on I told her to be quiet (now if that's not a polite way to put it I don't know what is) and about 2 seconds later I said please. Well she got all pissed off and said "I beg your pardon". Then kicked me in the back (I was in front of her chair on the floor). Well when she kicked me I though she was joking so I pretended to hit her on the leg. I didn't hit her but she kicked me again. Then she got up out of her chair grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and pushed me towards the stairs. I threw the bag of chips I had at her and went upstairs. I put my dresser in front of my door and layed on my bed. About a half hour later when I was almost happy again she pushes open the door and says "We have to talk about your attitude Missy, I'm sick of your sass".
I told her no and to get out. she stood at the door and bitched for a few minutes then finally left. The reason I didn't talk to her is because when my parents say talk all they do is get in their word and leave. They won't let you talk because they say that I'm always wrong. They deny that they don't let you talk but they do. everytime we try to discuss something they say what they want and then (this is not a lie) they turn towards you when you open your mouth and point their finger and say "shut up". (not be quiet or shhh)
Well the reason I wrote all this today is because the stupedist of all was today. Mom and jesse were fighting and mom said something about Jesse's lips so he stuck them out. I laughed and said bungee lips and then I quacked like a duck because it looked like a bill.
Well mom started bitchin at me and I don't know why. I told her I was talking about jesse but her reply was "your just too sassy, blah, blah, blah." Wel then dad came up from the basement and he always takes her side (he did in the last 2). Well he bitched at me and then told me to shut up again. (Surprise) Then a Rod Steward video came on so I gave it a thumbs down and said booo (Mom said it about my music a half hour earlier) and dad came in and sent me and Jesse to bed.
So here I am still pissed off as can be and I don't think I'll ever be happy again. I'm gonna go for tonight because I want to sleep it off. So I'll go and I'll be back before July to fill the four pages left in the blue. Have a happy life just like mine (yeah bull shit) and Ill see you soon. I still love Radiohead so I'll dream.

This is the perfect teenage vs parents diary entry. Beautiful. Boo Rod Stewart!
Was that lips comment a racist thing?

June 23, 1993

Dear Journal,
I love the singer off Radiohead. I know because it's in his voice and in his face. When he sings he uses so much feeling I just want to comfort him so much. I know he's hurting. When most guys screw their face up they look ugly but when he does while he is singing he looks so gorgous. I just want him.

Oh for christ sakes. This is just sickening. The worst part is that I saw a different video for Creep where Thom had long blond hair and during the "run" part his hair blew back in the wind. It was cheesy and it showed his balding and his teeth looked gross. I was turned off for a long time. Until I noticed the lazy eye, then I was drooling all over again...but let's not talk about it because it's embarassing.

Monday, June 21, 1993

June 21, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello its been a boring week and I'm writing to tell you I still love Kevin and I miss him too much. I just had to get that off of my chest and I want to be a writer some day or a ballerina or a singer but I guess everyone wants to be the last two. I love and need Kevin and I'm going to go now so goodbye.

Tuesday, June 15, 1993

June 15, 1993 - 2

Dear Journal,
I can't stop thinking about Kevin. I'm going crazy it kills me to know he is only one house away and I can't be with him. I need him. I want to feel his soft kisses on the back of my neck and his protective arms around me. It felt so good to feel him love me and I just want to feel that way again. When he went home at nights I almost burst into tears because I had no where to direct the love I felt for him.
That's how I feel now. I need to have him love me. It's an addiction. It's like he is my drug because he makes me feel so high and happy and when he is gone I feel sad and when I can't have him I almost go crazy. I love Kevin. Bye.

It was torture living so close to him. I remember once that someone told me it would have to be a big coincidence for your soulmate to live near you, considering all the people there are in the world. Most of my most loved boyfriends in Amherst lived within a 3 block radius. Go figure.
I always figured it would have to be a cruel joke for a soulmate to live somewhere I would probably never meet them.

June 15, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I'm happy to say that when I was coming out of school today I heard all these whistles and I turned around to see what it was and it was Kevin and his friends. When I looked Kevin waved and smiled like we were best of friends. It is the first time he has even looked at me in 3 months. I love him so much I just want him here. I'm glad he is being my friend again because I love him. I want him so bad now that if I don't get him I will die. I know I will. I can't talk about him anymore or I will die.
Today I wrote two exams. I wrote my math. I think I made a 55 and I wrote my french. I think I made a 85-90. I have to write my science so I have to study for that tonight and I have to study hard.
I'm going to see Jurasic Parc with Meredith tomorrow...sorry but I can't find anything to say because all I can think of is kevin. It's going to be hard to study when all I can think of is him. I love him. I'm obsessed with him and I don't care if I get hurt just as long as I get to have Kevin back.
I guess I'm gonna have to go for now. I'll see you tomorrow. I hope kevin loves me because if not I'll just die. I know I will. Blue - I'm so sad without him. Black - Ill die if I don't have him soon. Red - I love him more than I or anyone else could ever explain.

I'll just die!
It's good to see I cared about school at least.

Monday, June 14, 1993

June 14, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello my first two exams were easy but I have math in the morning. Yuck.
The reason I put I <3 Kevin up top is because I do and I won't deny it any longer. I've been holding back my feelings and taking anyone I had the slightest feelings about and making them look like I would die for them but its not true I only have feelings for Kevin. I can still see the real him. If he's not with his friends I can see the real him. I want it to be like it was before when I knew he loved me and I really loved him.
I remember how he would sit down and I would sit so close to him and it was just like I could feel our body's and our thoughts becoming one. "It was a chemical thing coming from somewhere deep inside me, miles from my brain. Think of being on the edge of a very high diving board, about to jump off for the first time. Or your sweltering hot and someone's dripping a slow icicle down your back. Think of hearing the first few notes of your favorite song. Now put all those feelings together. That's how I felt around kevin. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I almost couldn't breath. My arteries were strips of fire running through my body. Your could have locked me in a closet with him for the rest of my life and I'd have stayed there, happily.
Even more amazing he seemed to feel the same way about me. This was no crush this was the real thing and we fed it in one another. We were always together. Always in one way or another touching. We did everything together. He even read all the poems I showed him.
There were times I wanted to be with him so badly I would cry if I couldn't.
Then something closed off in him, it closed off to me. Something stopped being great. And our love. I mean the mutual one began to wither and die. I'd love to say that was the end of it but it isn't because I still love him.
I didn't go crazy, I didn't get on the floor and beg for him to love me like he used to. I just let it destroy me.
He broke up with me slowly. It took about 3 months. he pulled away more and more each week. I clung on my heart bleeding steadily. I wouldn't hear from him for a week then he'd show up, like some big heart shaped band-aid and for the time i was with him everything would be all right. Or so I told myself. It wasn't really though. When I was with him I couldn't let him out of my sight. Away from him I was a wreck. I was sure life would be meaningless without him, that I'd have no reason for living. Then later on when I got up some strength and knew it would never be like before, I was just torturing myself, I was able to sever that last thread the one Kevin couldn't cut or wouldn't. He changed after that into someone I don't even know now but If I look at him I can see the old him and I think I can see a feeling of wanting for me in those eyes. i don't know.
Now I take the passion I feel for him and put them into things like a journal (this journal) that lets me obsess to my hearts content, never judging me.
I even put that passion into other guys like Craig or Dave Foley. I just need to feel and be in love again its like a drug I feel so sick because I need it so bad.
I like to think Ill be a little smarter next time and use my head. But love isn't about really using our heads is it?
I'm still not past the can't I please die for you stage. I'll probably get past it someday but I'll never fully get over Kevin. I still carry a torch for Kevin but I hope that someday that I'll only carry a little flame for him. I torture myself over him thats why.
My feelings for Kevin will probably never be gone but you know what? I hope I always remember him. Not in a way to torture myself but in a way to feel our love after a long time.
His love was one of the most special things I ever have and I think ever will happen to me.
No one could ever fully understand how I felt and feel for him and no one ever will.
Everybodys love is special and everbody's love is different. Love isn't like you see in the movies or rock videos. Its more like this to me. 'The lovers shriek and fight, cry and curse at each other, she rakes her nails across his chest says she can't stand the sight of his face. finally drained & dejected he crawls for the door...and she freaks. "Wait!" she screams and he comes back and it happens again, and again.' Sam Shepard got it perfect in his play Fool for Love."

It's not the way it was for me and Kevin but I think it would have been if we didn't seperate when we did. I'd have dreams like that of me and him while we were going out.
All I really wanted to say today is that I still love Kevin an deven after I wrote all this and I know its bad for me and won't work I want him back. I think all the good times we had make up for the all that and I guess I would go through 100 ties more as long as I could feel him love me and let him know I love him. I'll go for now but Ill see you soon. Bye.

The big long thing in quotes was some article from some teen magazine. I just changed the names and a few of the words.

Thursday, June 10, 1993

June 10, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello today I have no school but my first exam is tomorrow so I have to study.
Today I saw Corey S and Kevin going to Kevins. I loved them both at one time and it hurt so bad to see them both at the same time. Ever since I've been depressed. They were the only two guys I've loved. I always say I love people but thats just because love sounds better than like. I don't know how I feel about craig. I feel some of the same feelings I had for Kevin & Corey but I also think of Kevin more than I think of Craig. I loved Kevin the most and I guess I always will. I don't love the new Kevin. In fact I hate the new Kevin. Kevin waved to Jesse the other day. I don't know why. As soon as Kevin became popular he dropped Jesse like a fly. In other words he used jesse. Anyway enough about him..
Yesterday I got to play softball with the guys gym class. It was fun. I love baseball and Craig was on my team. Well anyway I'm here at home and I might go to the graveyard to sit, I don't know.
I'll go because I have to get dressed okay. i'll see you tomorrow because I want to fill in all the Blue pages before school gets out. I'll see you tomorrow. goodbye.

I remember our gym classes were divided by a great big curtain they would pull across the middle of the gym. That day we had gym outside. The girls had all these shitty girly things to do and when me and a few other's saw the boys playing baseball we begged and had to get special permission to join them. It was pretty much the only gym class I liked.

Sunday, June 6, 1993

June 6, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello today I talked to mom and dad about all the worlds problems and I have decided its not good enough to talk. We have to work so I have decided to work at all the things I do wrong and encourage others to do the same. I will try to make world peace, I will help the enviorment, I will try to help all the starving children in all the poorer country's. I will try my hardest to do these things. I will try my hardest I swear on my life I will. I will start now but no one will really listen to me until I am older so thats when I will really work but for now I will do all I can. Ill see you tomorrow so Ill say goodbye.

BlockquoteAwww. This is kinda lame, but also kinda awesome.

No one listens when your older either. :(

Thursday, June 3, 1993

June 3, 1993

Dear Diary,
Hello I love Craig. I just threw out all the junk I kept from Jr. High. I cried when I read it all over because it brought back too many bad memories.
Today was a boring day except I want craig more and more everyday. I don't know if its love or infatuation. I also don't want to be hurt again. I don't trust myself. I feel sad now.
I want school to end very soon because Im becoming tired. I need some time to catch up on my sleep. But when school is over I won't be able to see craig. I will miss him. I really will. Im gonna cry now. i don't want to cry anymore so I will go. I will be back soon. Craig is very special. I know that.

So that's where all my paper towel scrawlings went!

Wednesday, June 2, 1993

June 2, 1993

Dear Journal,
Today I didn't have Craig in any of my classes. It made me sad because I think I love him. Then this afternoon the police took on the seniors in a basketball game and he was there. I swear he looks at me a lot if I pretend I'm not paying any attention to him. I pretend to look at a crowd of people in front of him but I am really looking at him. He looks at me a lot and he study's me. Its like I'm a person he is really trying to get to know.
I had fun with Tanya and Laura. Wade was making up sign language and we were making fun of him.
I love Craig I need to have dreams about him all night tonight because its the only way I can be with him. Bye.

These were the day's before I learned how to sneak off school property during these events. I must admit this one was pretty fun though.