Friday, April 23, 1993

April 23, 1993

Dear Diary,
hello today I had a dentists appointment and the rest of the day was boring because my life is boring and to make things worse my show wasn't on cause hockey was. Hockey is the worst sport in the world. Well I guess I love David folley but I don't know cause I'm feelin weird. Bye till sometime soon or not so soon.

Yes, the dentist is fun for me. What's it to ya?

Saturday, April 17, 1993

April 17, 1993

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin out of the blue wait.
Okay he was walking down the road with Steven and he goes "Jenn, (when 3 other people were there) Do you know Jennifer C"? I go "yeah". He goes "I just came from a party at her house".
He ws trying to make me jealous but he can't because I hate him. I can't stand the sight of him. He is a fucker. I mean it. I wouldn't love him again if it cost me my life. I'm gonna go before I fucken explode and I kill that fucker. I really hate him. I used to love him so much but now he's a fucker. Bye.

Holy. I was super jealous! I couldn't even control the anger in my printing.
Also I love that I said I would rather die than love him, and a million times before that I said I would die to love him.

Wednesday, April 14, 1993

April 14, 93

Dear Diary,
I still love Jeremy but I'll love him next year I need to tide my self till then. I wrote Corey up top but I feel real guilty about liking him cause he has a girlfriend. A 1 year and more long girlfriend and man are they in love. I feel so guilty for just liking him and I know he would never leave her so I don't know why. I wouldn't even be able to hint I liked him I can't hint that I like anyone. So he will never find out. But I still feel guilty. I have to find someone else.
Guys are starting to notice me again. I don't know why but they are. (In the margin it says "stop imagining things".) I'm glad because I was about to go insane. I'm gonna go to bed now so I guess I'll probably have something to say tomorrow. If not I will soon. But anyway Bye.

I don't think I was in love with the guy so much as I was in love with his love.

Wednesday, April 7, 1993

April 7, 1993

Dear Diary,
Hello I can't wait till Jeremy enters grade 9. I love him so much. It hurts to think of him. I had a dream about him last night. I wrote I love Jeremy in lipstick on my mirror. On my walls I have sheets of paper with "I love Jeremy" written about 150 times on them. I love him. I do. My love is strong I can't wait till next year. It's too far away but I have no choice. I want him here right now.
I want him to be here right now to hold me and kiss me and love me. I need him like a typewriter needs paper. i don't work without him.
Its getting late Ill dream of Jeremy and have the most peaceful sleep I've ever had.

Hey at least I just wrote, wrote, wrote and dreamed, dreamed, dreamed. It beats teen pregnancy I guess.

Tuesday, April 6, 1993

April 6, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello today I saw Jeremy he is a guy that I mentioned in my other diary. I used to be his best friend when I first entered grade 8. Then I fell in love with him and when I saw him my stomach did a flip flop. I still love him and when I saw him my stomach was upset and tears filled my eyes. I had a feeling of longing. It was so strong. I really love him and I really miss him.
I didn't get to see his face but I know it was him. I remember how he used to smile all the time and how whenever I saw him I felt 100% better. I can't wait till next year because he will be in grade 9 & I can see him. I'll go for now but remember I love Jeremy.

Can you keep track of them all?
I'm still a sick little freak when it comes to pretty boys. My eyes still fill with tears. That's why I never look them in the eyes. Otherwise they will know!

Sunday, April 4, 1993

April 4, 1993

Dear Journal,
Hello I don't love Kevin I just wanted to have him back for a very strange reason. I want a boyfriend who will be my father figure, my lover. I want David Folley everytime I see him I need him.
I have this dream that I write a letter to kids in the hall and they get to know me well and then they visit me at my home and my parents are away. They all stay for a few days and Davy falls in love with me. It's more romantic when I dream it. Ill go because I am feeling weird and I can't write all that well. Just remember all I've said about Davy on the other pages and it proves I love him. Bye.

And just like that, I no longer know how to think straight.

Friday, April 2, 1993

April 2, 1993

Dear Journal,
hello yesterday was Rickeys B-day, April fools was yesterday too. It suits him.
Well I found out that Kevin grabbed a girl in about 3 days. I wonder if he really did love me. No he didn't. I used to love him and I have over 30 1 page poems to prove it. I used to love the old him. The carefree him. Now he is a winner want to be. I don't mean he's a loser but he just is a whole new person.
I want him to be sick over the fact that we broke up. I want him to suffer. I'm a total bitch and I don't know why I want these things but I do. Then on the other hand I still love him and want him to love me back but not like he did before. Ill explain later. i just want him to be happy.
Forget what I said up top its wrong and I don't feel that way anymore. I love him and I want him back.
I don't like to be kissed or touched by my boyfriends. I don't even want a boyfriend. I actually want a guy to be my father. Not that dad isn't a good father. He is the best. But I want a guy who will hold me and love me and thats all. If he could do that half of the time I would have sex , kiss, etc the other half. I can't really explain what I want in a boyfriend its too weird for me to say. No one will ever be able to please me.
It's weird because I love Kevin almost a year then finally we were going out and then in Dec. he took on a dramatic new image and I lost interest but now that I don't have him anymore I want him back. Its like I love him when I can't have him.
I know I could never go out with him agian because of what it did this time. It killed our friendship. I loved our friendship. It was special to me. Actually I loved the relationship me, Jesse, Patrick and Kevin had this summer. it was fun and I could tell them anything. Even the most personal times I could discuss.
I now have no one to tell because no one else understands me. They think I'm crazy. Now I only say a handfull of words all day at school and ususally its to the teacher but only if I have to speak.
I tried to be open with Kevin and Jesse the other day but Jesse ignored me and Kevin just said "What the hell is she talking about". It hurt really bad to know I had lost my best friends ever. I don't know why but right now I'm struggling not to cry.
Then there's Steven he's the one that I suspect Kevin changed for. I used to hate Steven when he first started hanging around with us. Then I had feelings of love for him. I think I still do but then when I think hard about it I know I only want anyone to love me so I try to love everyone and if they love me back I feel alive.
Steven is the only person I know of in my whole life who says hi to me. Even when I was going out with Kevin, Steven would say hi before kevin even though of muttering it. He's my friend but he isn't in a way because I can't tell him all this stuff. If it was like it was with Kevin, Jesse, and Pat I could.
Since Steven took Pats place it hasn't been the same. Steven is my only friend now. I can't explain. I can't tell him stuff because he is Kevins best friend. He would tell.
I can't tell Kevin stuff because we are no longer friends if you know what I mean.
I can't really see the page because my tears are blurring my eyes and I don't really want to say anymore even though I could.
Anyway I'm gonna leave because I just want to cry and get rid of all the sadness and get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach. I'll go because it's time. Bye.

And that is the story of my life. Just because I know it, doesn't mean I know how to change it.