Tuesday, December 29, 1992

December 29, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello this is my last entry in you because i am receiving a new Diary in 1993 to start a fresh new year. I loved writing in you an dtelling you all my hopes and dreams but I must go because every year you change with me. Goodbye.

The End...for now.

Saturday, December 26, 1992

December 26, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello, last night I had a dream and it was me and the man of my dreams are super hero's and we have sex alot. We would drop to the floor in the heat of passion and now I love this guy of my dreams but I love kevin because he's real. This guy is my lover when I go to sleep. Well I want to dream again so Bye!

Ha, ha, ha.

Friday, December 25, 1992

December 25, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today was xmas day and I loved it. Kevin gave me a presten mom and dad got us a computer plus I got pants, boots a pillow, a dumbel set, 55$, 10$ Macdonalds gift certificates, 2 pictures, and a cash box for my money.
It was fun because lots of stuff happened. Mike and Phil came over and mike was trying to stop his beer from blowing up so he put it in his mouth and it flew everywhere. My dad was called to work all day today and was out from 11:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night he only came home for an hour to eat supper. I missed him.
Kevin came over and Jesse left me and him alone upstairs and he was holding my hands kissing them while he asked me to go to a new years eve party. I said I would if I wasn't going babysitting. but I'll probably be babysitting. I wish I could go with him and babysit too. Well you know I love him very much. I just can't seem to express my love for him. No one taught me how to show my love and ill never be able too. Well Merry Xmas.

That was 50% depressing and 50% sweet. I wish I had of written what Kevin gave me for xmas.

Wednesday, December 23, 1992

December 23, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today was good I was very exhilerated and I bet you want to know why? Well Kevin was here today and you know how he makes my life feel so worthwhile and he makes me feel safe. I love him. I dream that one day I will mary him and he always says stuff like "You said your husband was going to be a drunken slob drinking 24 hours a day in front of the TV, well thanks." He was refering to a time when I was depressed and said I'd be sterile and poor waiting for my drunken slob, potatoe (couch) husband.
Today he said "Stevens girlfriend is ugly she doesn't use deodorant and is a slut. I think hes using her for sex, which I think is really mean" (unquote) I love him he knows when Im mad and sad and even if someone else is speaking to him and Im talking to myself he'll hear me. He always wants to hear what I have to say. I think he loves me and I know I love him thats for sure.
But there are times I don't like the way he's acting. Like when Steven is around Kevin acts weird like bad, gets high and drinks I mean he drinks alone too but he does all this more when stevens around. I mean I like Steven but its not right. I hate when Kevin does those things I want to dcry right now for it but I won't because I only like to think of the Kevin I love. I will try to help him with all his problems and I hope he'll help me with mine.
One problem I'd like to fix mostly is the (I'm leaving this part out because I don't feel this is the type of thing that's any of my business to tell people and it makes him look like a psycho. He wasn't at all, he was just an angry teenage boy who was going through some shit at the time.). I want to tell him how I feel when he talks like this but it scares me and I think that maybe he will get mad at me. But I will next time. I need to be alone with him more. I have no time longer than 2 mins alone with him ever. I love my Kevin and I want him to be mine forever and ever.
Oh god how I miss him now I missed him for the hour he went home for supper today. I always miss him that's why i need to marry him so I can be with him alone in almost all my spare time. Well anyway I need to speak of someone but Kevin.
Lately I've been good with my family and I've really gotten along with them. Except me and Jesse are growing farther apart. I forgot to tell you Dan and Jason moved back in its nice I guess but now we have twice as much stuff as we did before like dishes, washing machines, New Jasons Stereo (ha, ha the good one thank god) and lots more. Wel I guess I like having my family back together because its cozy. Stephanie (Jasons girlfriend) is like part of the family because she's here everyday but no one minds because everyone likes her alot.
Lately I have been praying every night and Reading. Mostly I pray for the poor starving children and tonight I prayed for Kevin because he said he sinned alot. So I prayed for god to forgive him for his sins. I like the Bible because its like a story and its really interesting. Woman was made as a companion for man you see Adam was lonely and the birds and and animals werent good mates so god took a rib from adam. While he was sleeping and made woman Eve from it. A rib because its equal not from his head to be higher or from his feet to be lower but from his middle to be equal. I myself found that very interesting.
Mom and dad went to moncton today for groceries and Jasons christmas present. They had to buy me tampons. I now go on the rag twice a month for the last two months. Its weird and I hate the fact that I'm on the rag for xmas. Theres no more days till xmas because its now the 24th 2:12am. I've been up a long time. I love xmas and I could sit here all night talking about it. I decorated our tree and I get a lot of compliments on it. I mean it only took me from 12:00 in the afternoon until 6:00 at night. Were getting a computer for xmas and I can't wait.
I can't wait till tomorrow or today I should say either. I'm going to spend my day with Kevin the go to church with mom and Meredith then I'm home to bed if I can sleep well I could ramble on all night but I think 7 pages is enough. Well I'm gonna go so I can dream of being with Kevin like I do every night. Okay Bye. See ya probably tonight or at about 9:00.
p.s. I hope every single person in the whole world has a very happy and nice xmas because i would love it if they did.

Good fucking God!
Okay first things first. I obviously had a guy who liked me quite a bit that I drove away with my emotional retardation. No matter how much effort he put in, I just kept thinking he didn't like me and therefore never showed him how much I liked him.
2nd You can see my need to fix the world all through this one. Except back then it was more like "I'm gonna be a hero". Now it's more like "Why is shit so fucked up and why does no one care?".
3rd Leave it to me to find feminism in the bible.

Monday, December 21, 1992

December 21, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello I miss Kevin so much Im going to make love to him because I want him. My blood boils everytime I see his eyes. Well Im sorry I haven't written in a long time but theres not much to say. I know I passed all my exams with flying colors. Did about a 70 on my science one and about a 60 on my math. Well Im gonna go so Bye.

Flying colors. no.
Makin lurve. no

Monday, December 14, 1992

December 14, 2009

Dear Diary,
Hello today I have decided I'm going to start to write a book when we get our computer. I saw Kevin yesterday but only for about a half hour. The next time I see him if he holds me or anything it will be the first time in 3 weeks but I bet I won't even see him next weekend. Something is keeping him away from me and I want to know what. Bye

I wish I still had these books i would start writing. I wrote one with Rachel. She wrote one chapter and i wrote the next. We got about 4 chapters in and abandoned it. I remember it started with two people making out in an elevator or something.

Saturday, December 12, 1992

December 12, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello sir, today I babysat for two sweet young girls, Julie and Nickole there sweet.
Well anyway I havent really seen Kevin in a week and I havent had close contact with him in 2. I miss him so much and i fear he no longer likes me I'm going to go now because its 2:00 in the morning. Bye

I used to let those two girls tear my hair out styling it. Also their idea of fun was to do their moms aerobics tapes. We used to do aerobics together then they would tear out my hair. Each time I babysat one of them lost a tooth. I started to worry that their parents would think I was doing something to knock them out.

Monday, December 7, 1992

December 7, 2009

Dear Diary,
Hello I want to be a prima ballerina when I grow up. I dance everyday and I keep trying to do some of the fancy moves but they're hard. I'll never give up though because I want this. I wish there was a ballet shcool here in Amherst but no of course not so Ill just have to keep dancing on my own & move then learn at a school when I retire at ballet I will become a ballet teacher. I miss Kevin. I barely saw him at all this weekend it was lonely, very lonely. I miss & love him. I wish I could have him with me everyday.

Wishes don't come true. :(
I ended up taking ballet lessons at a church in Sackville, but was pissed that the class wasn't hardcore enough. Then I lost interest. As usual. At least I wasn't thinking about Kevin for about 5 minutes.

1. To Marry Kevin Arseneau
2. Be a Psychiatrist
3. Have 5 children
4. Have 5 cats
5. Write a book
6. Write a poem and have it published
7. Have my own band & Im singer
8. Play Guitar
9. Play Harmonica
10. Get #1 of Morbius Comic
11. Write a song
12. Get 80% on a science test
13. To be with Kevin in my spare time
14. To be able to tell Kevin I love him
15. To be able to manage money better
16. To live in California with Kevin
17. To be class validictorian
18. To somehow prove to my ex bitch friends that I'm better than them
19. To start eating right
20. To save some poor souls life
21. To be able to jog 1 mile
22. To buy Tarot cards
23. To know more about the druids
24. To be able to have a secret circle
25. To prove the druids built stonehedge
26. To know more about astrology

Ok lets go through these.
1. Nope. We lived together though. Me, him and another guy I dated who was friends with him. Close enough.
2. Nope, not even close.
3. Nope, don't even know if I want any now.
4. Yeah I did this one!
5. Nope
6. Nope, and I'm not looking forward to putting all my cheesy poems into this blog. It's going to be the most embarassing part...even if they all were from around the same time.
7. Nope. I am too shy for this, I have decided to play around and just record shit on my own instead.
8. Still learning...kind of.
9. Not interested anymore.
10. Still looking
11. Done! Done! Done a few times.
12. Once I started to actually care about school this wasn't an issue.
13. He's not here right now so I guess I failed that one.
14. I think I did this, I don't know.
15. I'd say I'm about 50% better
16. Ewww. Fuck California, why did I want to live there?
17. Nope. Too boy obsessed and drug/alcohol obsessed. I got high honours though.. good enough.
18. Who cares, I dropped the grudge, that's better than proving something.
19. Off and on.
20. WTF?
21. I could for a while, but not now.
22. Done
23. Done
24. Done...kind of. No one took it serious but me.
25. LOL, hedge. High hopes.
26. Done!

Tuesday, December 1, 1992

December 1, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello Whats Ups. Not much here except all my teachers hate me they must think Im a real bad kid which Im not. Mrs. Addams failed me because my story didn't end the way it looked like it would in the beginning but that was the point. Oh well Fuck life.
Well I am gonna go cause its tuesday and I want to have sex with Kevin this weekend but I bet he don't even like me. So bye.

*tiger purr* Yeah nothing happened of course. I think I was 14 at this point and still going strong.
So just for the record I didn't fail the year, just got a failing mark on that story. Basically the story was about a guy who rode into town on a horse, only to find it overflowing with vampires. He starts killing them and we are supposed to believe that he got them all. Then at the end there is a twist where we find out the girl he was saving/is in love with is actually a vampire and she bites him as they ride out of town. Pretty standard but teacher said it didn't make sense.