Saturday, October 31, 1992

October 31, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today was halloween and we did lots of stuff with candles. Me, Kevin, Steven, & Jesse went egging it was fun. I still can't kiss kevin easily but I can do anything else with him. I guess I have this phobia about kissing. Oh well. I was laying down and i had my head on his arm he was touching my hair and kissing my cheek and neck. I love him. Well Im gonna go write a poem now so ill see ya okay. Goodbye

Yup. I still have the whole "Pretty Woman" thing going on when it comes to kissing. I believe they have a conversation about this in "The Story of Us". The women talk about how they can give out the sex, but can't kiss when they are angry at their husbands.
I feel extremely vulnerable when it comes to kissing. Much more so than during sex. Not that I had sex with Kevin, but it would have been just as easy for me to initiate sex as it would to make it obvious I was looking for a kiss.

Friday, October 30, 1992

October 30, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today is friday and I had two tests. I think I did really good on them both. Kevin wrote me back and it was nice he said he wanted me for xmas too. I love him so much. Im going to write him back now so Ill see ya later. Ok. Well Bye

I was like "Wow an entry that isn't about Kevin", but then I kept reading.

Thursday, October 29, 1992

October 29, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin put his arm around me and said "I would kiss you but you just put a cig butt in your mouth off the ground". We were just like before and he got my note. It said that i loved hiim & that I wanted him for xmas but not in a sex way. I love him.
Well the bad news for today is that he tried to kill himself by toxic fumes from going in his shed and letting the exhause from his bike kill him. When he tol dme I was real mad. Well no I wasn't I was sad. I once asked him never to leave me here alone on earth and he said I promise I won`t. Well he just tried to leave me. Its always that way the only thing I live for the only thing I love trys to leave me. I love him. If I found out he ever died or committed suicide then I would kill myself too because I don`t think I could stand to ever be with out him. I love him and I want always to be with him. I will tell him that in my next note. Im going to go now to write a poem because I have to release some of this stress I have being built up inside now. well tomorrows friday so Ill tell you about me and Kevin.

Good God! WTF?
Was Amherst really that boring? No. I remember having a ton of fun. So why were we all trying to off ourselves?
I'm pretty gross and that tends to make guys cringe around me. I think they are attracted to certain things, and totally blown away by how icky I can be. I wonder why I put a dirty cigarette in my mouth? Sexy.
I wonder if me finally telling him I loved him (by wimping out and writing a note) is what caused him to start paying attention to me again. I'm pretty dense when it comes to this stuff still, but at least now I can tell a guy I like him back if he says it first. I still have no idea about hints and flirting. If it's not totally obvious, I'm totally oblivious.

Wednesday, October 28, 1992

October 28, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin said Hi again. He was here for a few minutes but I don't know if he still likes me or not. I love him and Ill be able to tell tomorrow at noon because he's coming here and i'm going to make sure I go near him alot just to see. Well Bye.
The suspense is killing me.

Tuesday, October 27, 1992

October 27, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello, today Kevin said hi and we smiled and he just kept smiling. I almost cried but i held it in. When I went back to class I couldn't get the feeling out for about half an hour but all day I thought of him. I love him and Ill have him marry me some day I swear. Ill be his wife or Ill be dead. I mean it if I don't marry him ill kill myself. Bye.

Hi! I'm the walking dead, nice to meet you!
Smiles from boys I like still give me this feeling. It's sickening really.
I should probably clarify...I meant the feeling of almost bursting into tears, not the "I need to marry him or I'll kill myself" part.

Monday, October 26, 1992

October 26, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hellow how are you. Im miserable. Its raining both inside my body and outside my house. The weather suits me just fine its so we out you could fall in a puddle and drown. I feel so depressed I wont see Kevin for a long time and now he won't even say Hit to me at school. Its like when he hit his head he lost the fact that we were going out. I'm so scared wahat if he doesn't love me. If he dumps me Im not going to be able to cope. Its hurting so bad right now. Rain is falling from my eyes thunder is coming rom my throaght. I cried last night for an hour. If he dumps me Ill die. Ill be so sad ill be down so long Ill never be able to get back up. God I love him but I cant take thismuch longer. I would commit suicide now if i didn't have kevin. Hes the only reason Im alive. I love him. I have to talk to him. Soon ask him why he doesnt act like he loves me anymore. Why he doesn't even say hi. Then Ill say "Kevin if you don't like me anymore ill understand but dont drag me out, if you don't love me. Dump me." I would be so sad if he did but Sad & Dead is better than confused.
Right now I am so lonely I just don't know how to deal with anything. I begin to cry but Im too tired I can't even have a second tear fall. Im so depressed i don't know how Im going to make it thru tonight let alone the rest of the week. I want to draw, good I have my art class tomorrow Ill be able to draw my feelings like I will do now. Well Bye

Wow. Scary. I really wish I had some sort of hobby other than boys. If I ever have kids I'm forcing them into piano lessons or something. Not really, but ... something.
I can't even comment on the cheese because of the fact that this is so messed. I thought I was messed in the head now, but I've come a long, long, long way. phew!

Sunday, October 25, 1992

October 25, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin didn't even hold my hand. I know he still loves me but why did he ignore me today and act the same way he did when we weren't going out. It drove me nuts to have to go through a whole day of him not even touching me. I hate it. Oh God I love him.

Jennifer hates not getting her way. *scowls*

Saturday, October 24, 1992

October 24, 1992

Dear Diary,
hello today me and kevin kissed alot and did all the other stuff we usually do in front of Steven. Well he told me he loved me twice more. Well Bye

This makes it look like we used to "do stuff" in front of Steven...but what it means is he was intimate with me in front of his friend and he didn't feel the need to hide it or be embarassed.

Friday, October 23, 1992

October 23, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello tonight Kevin told me he loved me twice. First I said "Why don't you want me to" do something I can't remember. Then he said because "I love you". Then we were sitting there on the roof and he was kissing my neck and he just said I love you. Peter was over and I was sitting between kevins legs and he had his arms around me and he was kissing me and Peter goes "Do you love her or something" and Kevin goes Yeah, then sarcastically he went "No were just sitting here going at it for nothing". I love Kevin I just can't get up the nerve to tell him So but tomorrow I will tell him. I need to have him here beside me now to be with me. I love him and Im almost positive he loves me. Well Bye.

Wow. I was messed up in the head from warnings by my parents I think. A guy opens up to me and tells me he loves me and I can only be "almost positive" that he is telling me the truth. See what telling your daughters mean things about boys does? It makes them not believe anything nice could ever happen to them. :(
I couldn't tell him back because I was worried it was all a joke, or a scam to get me in bed. I'm still crippled like that. *sigh*
I wish I had just been naieve and got my heart broken instead. I think it probably would have made life a bit easier...but then again...grass, greener, etc.

Wednesday, October 21, 1992

October 21, 1992

Dear Diary,
Sorry its been so long but I usually write about Kevin and I think he doesn't love me anymore. It makes me sad because I never see him and I love him. Im going to write him a note asking him if he still likes me. This is the long weekend and I hope he loves me. Well Bye.

Uh oh.

Saturday, October 17, 1992

October 17, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello how are you. I'm fine today I found a hickey on my cheek. I rubbed it with a comb and it went away. Kevin wouldn't even hold my hand when angela was here tonight. But when she left he kissed my neck and did all he did last night in 10m min tonight. Then he kissed me goodbye. i love him so much. I plan on marrying him so much its not funny but if we ever broke up I would die. I love the feel of his arms around me and his lips on my neck and cheek etc. I just love him I don't think ill ever stop because I love him.
Apparently I loved him or something.
Back then I thought he was shy around Angela, now I wonder if it wasn't something else...or maybe I just have lower self esteem now than I did then. Which would be really sad...but is probably true.

Friday, October 16, 1992

October 16, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello how are you. Im fine & in love. Tonight I frenched Kevin & he had his hand up my shirt in the back and was holding me very close caressing me and kissing my neck so on. I love him and when he touched my bare skin I wanted him to take me to my room and make love to me. I love him so much I want to go so I can go to bed and in the morning Ill see him. Well Bye.
p.s. Me and Kevin were up on my bed and he was sitting on the edge and I was laying beside him on the bed sideways and we were talking.
Movin' fast! I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did before actually having sex.

Thursday, October 15, 1992

October 15, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today is the day I will cherish for the rest of my life "Kevin Kissed Me" I t was weird because I don't kiss many guys and it wasn't a french kiss it was just a lips embracing kiss. It was nice (he probably didn't like it but I did). I love him.
Well anyway all after I came back he was holding me and I was in my bed and he sad down and put his arm around me. he was kissing, smelling my neck and he kissed my forehead. I love him he wants me to go to the Halloween dance with him. I might but I don't know. Well today was nice but I'll go now so goodbye.
Aww that's the cutest! I'm not going to ruin this one with sarcastic comments. This is what I like to remember as my first kiss. I don' t know why I said "I don't kiss many guys". I had only kissed one other. He was a guy a friend convinced me to go out with (I don't even remember his name) who I didn't really like. She really, really wanted me to lose my kissing virginity. So we were all walking through the graveyard and I finally just agreed to kiss him. Basically I opened my mouth, he latched on, I kissed him back for 1.5 seconds, then I just sat there and let him go to town because i wasn't feeling it. This kiss was much better.

Wednesday, October 14, 1992

October 14, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello I can't seem to show Kevin my love. Its so hard for me. I just cant bring myself to kiss him or hold him or even barely look him in the eye. Oh but god how I want to touch, love, and kiss him. Im scared I wont do it right. He walked home from school today with me. I wish he did everyday. His parents met us at the store. Im terrified of them because I think they hate me but I wont be anymore. I will say hi to the next one I see in person. I love Kevin and I will one day be a Psychiatrist and marry him and have 5 children. I will one day i swear I will. I love Kevin and I promise we will have the perfect job, love & kids. The perfect life.

And...promise broken! Fuck this shit's embarrassing.
I was terrified of his mother. But the reason is because she caught us playing "chicken" once. I was camping in my back yard with a friend. Jesse and Kevin were camping in Kevin's back yard. We snuck over to their tent and played Truth or Dare. One of the Dare's was chicken. You run your hand up someone's thigh until they basically get scared and ask you to stop...or not. A friend was recently talking about this game. I didn't know it was a common thing.
Kevin's mother had been sitting outside listening to us play these games for god knows how long. Out of nowhere we heard "I think it's time for the girls to go home now". We tried to pretend we were talking about playing chicken on the street with cars (because that seemed less embarrassing) but she knew what was going down. Ever since then I've been scared of her. I still can't look her in the eye.

Tuesday, October 13, 1992

October 13, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello Kevin seems to be losing interest in me. I love him and want to keep our love flowing. Its hard because Im too shy and insecure but he seems insecure too when he comes too close to me. I told you about how good and safe i feel when he puts his arm around me. I feel so safe like I have an Army protecting me. Today he never once tried to touch me. It makes me feel like he is going to dump me any day now. Well Bye.

Where do I come up words like "flowing". Dramalamadingdong.

Monday, October 12, 1992

October 12, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello its a fine day today. Mom was gone and me, jesse and Kevin were alone in the house and Kevin touched me or should I say put his arm around me. I love it when he does it makes me feel like nothing can ever harm me. I feel safe. Very safe. Yesterday or the day before I told you I loved his body. Well I always hated muscles but I couldn't help but be turned on by his. Oh God!!! Anyway. I can't wait until we kiss. Its just that were never alone and I don't want to kiss in front of Pat and Jesse. But I do want to kiss him. I love Kevin. I can't wait untill the moment were home alone on the 23rd all day. I hope Jesse goes to dads & me and kevin are left alone becuase i want to kiss him & talk to him. Well anyways you know how much I love him so Im gonna go now and Ill tell ya more about my Love Button tomorrow.
Kevin didn't have muscles. He was just so thin that any muscles his body had stuck out...I do remember he was quite strong for his size. But he didn't have "muscles".

Saturday, October 10, 1992

October 10, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello tonight kevin touched me. We didn't kiss or anything but it was just as good. I love him so much. I love him as Romeo loves Juliette I would kill myself for him. I would die if he died. I love him like all the princes and Cinderella, Snow White, Red Rose, etc. I just lov ehim for loves sake, not for his body, not for his touch etc. But for loves sake. But i do love his body I admit it turns me on so bad its not funny. I love his touch more though it feels so good I could die. It feels better than anything I've ever felt before. I just love him. I'm going to go now so I will probably see ya tomorrow. Bye.

Did I somehow manage to get stupider with age?

Friday, October 9, 1992

October 9, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello I'm sorry i havent written in a while but I find life harder to live everyday. When I was young it was so easy. Now everyday gets harder and harder to live. Well Im going out with Kevin I think. It's hard to tell. Today I cried 3 hours over him. Well actually it was an hour after school and then from 8:00 until 9:00. He was drinking. I hate him when he does. Well I love him but you know.

I can't believe how old I thought I was. Thinking back to when I was young. Ha ha.
I wonder if I'll look back in another 15 years and think about how stupid I am now for making this comment.
Drinking meant "I stole a beer from my dad, lets all taste it". I remember being so against drugs and alcohol, and then one day I was drinking and getting high. No idea how it actually came about. I blame Eric's Trip for changing my opinion on drugs. I blame my parents for the drinking part.