Tuesday, September 29, 1992

September 29, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin told me he still liked Holly. It just felt like someone crept up on my heart and screamed Boo! It felt like my heart exploded. I'm gonna go because I want to.
p.s. Kevin kissed my hand better and I didn't even ask him too.
p.p.s. I love him so much.

Awww. I feel bad for little me. I also feel confused for little me. Why was he kissing my hands yet telling me he loved other people?

Monday, September 28, 1992

September 28, 92

Dear Diary,
Hello today me and Holly jigged 1st and 2nd period this afternoon. We came here to my house. I will never jig again. Its dumb and you get too worried.
Kevin never put his arm around me but he payed a lot of attention to me. I love him he makes me feel so good about life, myself, everything. Im in love and Holly thinks me and Kevin were meant to be. That we are going to get married. The best relationships are when your friends and you have to be friends to be lovers. I think of Kevin as my best friend. I can tell him anything. I can even discuss the fact that I love him with him but thats not too often.

That was not the last time I jigged. Far from it. We went to my house and watched Jerry Springer and The Peoples Court. Then we were so bored we went back to school. It wasn't until grade 10 that I started to find fun things to do instead of being in school. Things like drugs and making out with boyfriends.

Sunday, September 27, 1992

Septembber 27, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin put his arm around me and next time he does it I'm going to turn to him and say "Will you go out with me"
I hope he says yes otherwise Ill have made a fool of myself. But anyhow I'm sorry I've been gone so long. It's just Ive been busy with Kevin then homework and I havent had enough time to write. But I cant write much except that Im glad Kevin still likes me or whatever because I love him and never will I ever stop loving him. Bye.

I had such high self esteem in my fantasies. In real life, not even close. I have never actually asked a boy out. Even if he already told me he liked me. Just in case he was trying to trick me in order to get a good laugh.
I have never actually asked a guy to sleep with me either. I just basically allowed them to think they were seducing me. Even though usually they were moving way too slow. I'm a little better now, but not much. Once I'm in a relationship there is no stopping me from getting what I want, but before that it's all games created to protect my sanity.

Tuesday, September 22, 1992

September 22, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Jesse and Kevin started to hang around again. I love Kevin. me and him were alone for about 3 hours just talking. He said he would ask someone out or that he might be going out with someone. I wish I were her. I get scared to go out with him though because ????. I love him so much. Its pouring rain and its 10:00. I'm very tired so I'm gonna go o.k.
p.s. Ill always love Kevin even if he hates my guts Ill love him until I drop dead and Oh I don't know. I love him.

I lied! I haven't dropped dead yet and stopped loving him long ago. At least I learned to never fully trust my feelings. *shifty eyes*

Sunday, September 20, 1992

September 20, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello its 1200am my birthday. I have lots to tell you but just wait. Ok Im back. Well up until a second ago I was at Missy c's party...kind of. Well heres what happened. I met Mike K. and he showed me where it was and Kevin was there. After a while Kevin and Holly broke up over a lot of jealousy by both of them. I was sad for Holly. She is now going out with John R. who I like but id rather have Kevin. Well we were at Missys party. Me, John, Kevin, Mike & Holly were lighting fire crackers then we all were forced to go inside. So Me, John, Holly, Kevin & Mike stayed. We all went for a walk but Kevin didn't follow so he went inside. Then we sat at Scotties Carwash. We played the getto and now Mike flirted wtih me. So did John. Holly & John are going out.
Well I want to talk of Kevin now because after Holly went home we did. John hugged me goodbye.
Well I wish Kevin broke up with Holly for me but ???. I love him and I want to touch him. I know he feels the same but hes holding back he has been all this time. I dont know why. I want to dream of being with him forever. Ill do that now. So Ill see ya.

I remember this night. We ditched the party to hang out at the car wash next door. We listened to Kris Kross on the getto blaster and sprayed each other with the water from the car wash. We were soaked by the time we went home. We even sprayed each other with that scented stuff for the carpets in the car. So we stank as well. It was a pretty awesome night.

September 20, 1992

Dear Diary,
I've been totally krossed out by Kris Kross. I've got their tape now and I love it. It's awesome. Well I had a O.K. B-day. All of my 40$ but 7$ is gone. I lit a candle at the church and prayed that Kevin would love me because I love him. Well I feel a lot for him. When I seen him today I flared inside with excitement. I love him. It's pretty late and I have school tomorrow so I'm gonna go. O.k. Bye.

What a waste of birthday money. I remember we listened to it on the ghetto all night at the car wash. I went out and bought it the next day.
"Flared inside" .

Tuesday, September 15, 1992

September 15, 1992

Dear Diary,
Me and Holly hang around together a lot now but Kevin doesn't like it. I can tell. Well Bye.


Monday, September 14, 1992

September 14, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Hollly asked me to go to Dairy Queen wtih her. I went she's now my best friend. We met Jay F. at the Queen. I kind of like him now but not a lot. Well there's not that much to say so I'll go now. Bye.

Well at least I didn't hold grudges against the girl who stole the guy I loved. That was quite mature of the two of us.

Sunday, September 13, 1992

September 13, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello Kevin is going out with Holly O. I cried for 2 hours then had whine sessions all day. I was depressed all day. It hurts to feel like I do now. I feel as though I will just all of the sudden die of love. I give up now forever. I will never never show affection to him, etc. I will try not to love him. I will not show it outside and try not to do it inside. Starting tomorrow because today I have to have one more dream of him.

Did you hear that snap? My little heart breaking right in two.

Friday, September 11, 1992

September 11, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello. I like being friends with Jesse & Kevin, its fun. We tell all because we feel its o.k. to tell each othe we trust. I think its fate that were friends. If Kevin didn't move here we none of us would be friends. Me & Jesse would just be like before ignoring each other until we want something. But I fell in love wtih kevin and thats very painfull. I want to make love to him & now he says he doesn't want to do that anymore. I want now to go out with him. Not now that school is here I don't think he will. Its just a friend thing. I love Kevin. LOVE. Well I must go because Im tired. o.k. Ill see ya.

Weird I don't remember actually discussing sex with Kevin. I just remember thinking it and wanting it. Strange.
I keep ending each entry with how tired I am. I think that was the depression/insomnia. I never slept. I just sat in that damned window staring into space. It only got worse the next year.

Thursday, September 10, 1992

September 10, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello I only saw Kevin once today when he was walking home from school but thats all. I miss him. I miss his touch. I want him here now. Of course I always do but the weekend is after school tomorrow. I get to see him all day Saturday.
Well anyway its 10:30 and I've had a really rough day. Mom quit her job. She works at home now. She had enogh of her lazy ass bitch boss and gave her 2 weeks notice and quit. Well I am gonna go now so Ill see you later. O.k. Bye.

Not much to say about this one. Pretty standard shit.

Wednesday, September 9, 1992

September 9, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello Kevin likes me I think because he asked me to go to Missy C's party with him and he also had his head on my shoulder. Does this mean other girls are not good enough or he's tried so now its back to me? I don't know all I know is I love him. I want to be with him all the rest of my life. If he loves me in any way thats good. I must write him another one of those letters. So Bye.


Tuesday, September 8, 1992

September 8, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today school was good. I am going to try to make 80% - 90% marks this year. I think it will be fun. I f people make fun of me I will say "I can't help it if I want to be a secretary or vet." They'll say about how much longer Ill be in school and Ill say "once you get out into the world of work its 3 times harder". I want to make good marks in 1996. I want to be class valedictorian. I want to get 80-90%.
Well today Kevin acted like he did when he liked me as a friend. I told you as soon as school came it would be the same ole booty. Other girls, other better girls, better looks, bodys, etc. Well I'm used to it. Well bye.

I can't help it if I want to be a secretary and have to go to school for a long time in order to do that. God. I dream big, leave me alone.

Monday, September 7, 1992

September 7, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin never touched me but he acted like he liked me I think. Well today was just like everyday, boring.
There's school tomorrow and I don't want to go. I hate school. I'm scared to go.
Mom wants me so I'm gonna go for tonight o.k.

Same old stuff.

Sunday, September 6, 1992

Septemer 6, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today I didn't even get a glance at Kevin. I miss him. I love him. I hope tomorrow I see him. I will kiss him.
Im overnight at Dads because mom is washing the carpets. I want to have Kevin touching me right now. To be holding me caressing me as he did last night. I love Kevin and Seriously want to marry him. He is the guy I will love forever until the day I die and then some. Ill go now. Bye.

I pray to god my mom never read my diary. That's some embarassing shit right there.
The first entry from this diary talks about having to get married and have kids. I didn't think I had other options then. I thought that was the only path I could take. Now that I'm older I see the options but can't choose.
I honestly can't tell you if Kevin was my first love or not. I always thought John was but maybe thats just because we actually had sex and had a very emotional (for me anyway) break up. The further into these entries I get the more I think Kevin was my first love. Does it matter? Not really. I'm just curious is all. I don't trust my own feelings.

Saturday, September 5, 1992

September 5, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello Kevin touched me tonight. He had his arm around me caressing me. I love him and want him here with me forever to touch to hold to make love to....
I want to feel his skin next to mine afterwards. I want to have him love me.
My father called today he gave us the number (him and my mom are divorced) to his home. I don't miss him as much as I thought I would. I wouldn't miss my mom either. It will be easy to go to college. I wont miss anyone except kevin. I miss him when he goes home for supper or at night. I love him so much. Im gonna go for tonight because not much to write about. So Bye.

Makin love. It was all I ever thought about I think. Sickening how badly I craved human contact.
My parents weren't divorced just seperated. I didn't understand those two terms back then.

Friday, September 4, 1992

September 4, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello how are you today's a new day and Im grounded because I told mom I was wearing my swead shoes to school and she said it was raining. I said No it wasn't and her I am. I hate my mom.
Well I saw Kevin and he touched me in little ways but not with passion. I can't tell if he loves me or not. I love him so much. I saw him today and his eyes. I couldn't help but stare at the blue. I just got done crying. It hurts so bad not to know if he LOVES me or not. I love him so much. His cousin is down now. he wont even look at me. Theirs this ting guys don't show affection in front of other guys. Well today was o.k. School was just as boring though.
Well I'm really bored because I have no one to talk to. Its really weird my feelings are all mixed up and I can't talk about them.
Oh well thats life. Right?
I love Kevin and I miss him now. I always feel I will break down & die when he goes home. I love him. LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im in my window looking at the pitch black sky. It's beautiful, I love it except I cannot see the stars the clouds have covered them. I love night time. everything is so silent like everybody has died. Its not cold or hot out. It's peaceful & private. Im in one of my modes where I am stunned I cant even see what Im writing its blurry.
Im so scared but I dont know what of. Im lonely for Kevin. Im nervous of ??????
Its my really weird feelings that confuse me.
I seen a man and woman walk down the street talking loud enough I could hear them from 50 meters away. Theres really loud ars speeding up the street beside me. There's all the neighborhood dogs barking at each others barks. Thats how stupid they are.
My birthday is now in 16 days. I dread the fact that it will be soon. I hate getting older.
I hear all the drunks on the corner singing.
I get worried when Kevin smoke's becasue I feel he will die or get in trouble. I fear when he drinks because he might become a drunk. I fear when he steals because he may be a high time robber. I hate when he does these 3 things. I hate it. I get really made but I can't help but forgive him because I love him.
Well I write him letters telling him how much I love him, date them and put them in my birthday doll cabinet. I hope one day I will have the courage to give them to him. If he reads this he has permission to take them. I will write him another one now because evveryday my feelings change. So I'm gonna go but I'll be back tomorrow night. But for now Goodbye.

I used to spend hours and hours sitting in my bedroom window, or out on the roof below it. Just staring into the night. Back then I thought that I was just a regular teen trying to figure myself out. I thought that my obsession with death was normal. I thought my depression was normal. I was just trying to waste time until those feelings passed. But instead they just got worse. I aggravated it by trying to fill the void with "love". I had no idea what was going on. I thought the lonely feelings were for a specific person, but they weren't. It took me another 10 years or so to figure that out. Hell I still try to trick myself into thinking people can fill that void. Of course I'm a little more comfortable with myself now than I was then.

Thursday, September 3, 1992

September 3, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today school has started and I fear that Kevin no longer loves me. It seems I was just one of those summer flings. He just wanted someone to be wtih. I don't mind its only normal and it was beautiful to feel his touch and feel his warmth and think he loved me even if it was only for a few weeks.
My birthday is in 17 days and I don't want it to come. Its because today I realized we grow up too fast and Ill grow up and graduate and get married and have children and get a job. Ill have so many responsibilities Ill forget the meaning of the word fun. I looked back at my younger years and realized it went so fast that I barely remember any of it. Memories are very important to me they are what we look back on when we are old or when we are depressed. We look back on the good times. I love memories that is why I keep a diary. Memories are special. I remember the day Kevin first showed me he liked me. We were outside and I was quite sad and I sat down by the fence. We were talking and he was telling me special things and then I burnt myself with a match. He was concerned and kissed it better. I remember how he wrote me 2 notes a while after that. One said "I love you from me", the other said "K.A. ♥ J.M.". I felt so happy when I found those under my pillow. I remember how he would give hints about how he liked me. I remember his eyes they are blue. They stun me when I look into them. I remember how gorgous he is. I remember how nice he is and how considerate. Also how much he's like me, how he's just as scared as the next person but sometimes is too proud to admit it. Ill be talking of Kevin everyday I write in here.
I'm watching my youngest cat. I've always been a cat lover. The cat I'm watching is Bee. She's black except for her belly her face up until the tip of where her eyes start and her paws their all white. She's a long hair. She has fur like silk. My other cat Bebe, she's grey & white & brown all over. Her fur feels alright soft, but not like Bee's. Then theirs Frisky. She's senial. Her fur is light medium and dark brown. Her fur is normal. But I don't care because I love all my animals the same. Theirs Jesse's turtle Eddie. I named it after Edward Furlong. He's big. Then theirs Rossie whose fur mom shaved off recently. She's my dog. She used to have brown & dark brown hair. She's part Collie and German Shepard I think. She's a medium size dog. She has ears that stick up halfway then flop down. I love all my animals the same. I want to remember them all.
Of course their are always the bad memories like how my friends thought I wasn't good enough then dumped me for 7 months and now we're only slight friends. Well me Jill & Jenelle but the snotty preppy ones are too stuck up to say hi. Well anyway I love memoreies. Good ones!!
I am going to talk of something new now. Like how I love to write poetry. Its my only way of get out all my inner fears, frustrations, loves, angers, pain, etc. I write it off and when its gone I have a poem.
Kevin was asking me why I was so sad. I told him because of all the pain. He laughed and said "pain?" He thought it was a word to be used in a book , poem or on a soap opera. He insulted me and I was mad at him for 5 seconds for it then I brushed it off. That is the way I talk. I guess he thought it was geaky or whatever. But I can't help it. It's the way I express myself.
Salt -N- Peppa
"You know life is all about expression, you only live once and your not coming back so express yourself."

This is my way to write my expression. I have memorized poems. My favorite is by Emily Dickenson.

I died for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
"For beauty," I replied.
"And I for truth, -the two are one;
We brethren are," he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.

I wish I make a friend when I die and we go to heaven together. So I'm not alone and lonely as I was when I was alive.
Well I will go for tonight but I will probably be back tomorrow. So bye.

It's signed "Tory Lynn Carlson". I remember calling myself Tory for a while but have no idea why and I don't remember the Carlson part at all.
My handwriting improved a bit, and so did my spelling and punctuation. I'm starting to think there was no diary that covered grade 8. Maybe I only wrote poetry, letters, and stuff on paper towel. I burned all the paper towel and letters. I used to write Kevin a letter every single day but just kept them all in a box. They were cheesy as hell but no where near as bad as the ones I wrote Geoff. After we started dating I let him read them all. He didn't make fun of me and I will always appreciate that. It was nice to look back and see a little romance in my life.
I still have all the crappy poetry and will be putting it in here. It's embarassing but no worse than these entries. I'm starting to get scared to do this now. Scared of what I got myself into. Scared people will still think I'm just as stupid as I was in high school. Oh well. If I don't finish I'll feel like I'm being dishonest and hiding my real self from people. So I'll finish. I can see myself defending and explaining this much more in these high school years though.
That's still my favorite Emily Dickenson poem.

Wednesday, September 2, 1992

There seems to be a missing diary

So the diary that covers sept 91 until sept 92 is missing. Its the diary that I really wanted to pick apart because that's when I basically started to get really fucked up. I think it was also when I wrote the most. It was when I started getting depressed and pulled away from all my friends. I used to spend the whole lunch hour in the handicap bathroom writing every thought I had on the paper towel. I always had a pen with me. Hopefully I can find it. I'll just skip to the next diary for now.
The next diary starts near the end of my relationship with Kevin. He was a guy who I basically grew up with. One of those neighborhood friends. He mostly only hung out with us when he visited his grandparents 3 doors down from my place. But around grade 8 he moved right next door to his grandparents and we started hanging out all the time. I basically spent all of grade 8 alone, or hanging out with kevin and my little brother. So eventually we started dating because we hung out so much. This diary starts in grade 9. I was 13 going on 14 and this shit gets more embarassing the older I am in the entries. So here goes.