Tuesday, December 29, 1992

December 29, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello this is my last entry in you because i am receiving a new Diary in 1993 to start a fresh new year. I loved writing in you an dtelling you all my hopes and dreams but I must go because every year you change with me. Goodbye.

The End...for now.

Saturday, December 26, 1992

December 26, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello, last night I had a dream and it was me and the man of my dreams are super hero's and we have sex alot. We would drop to the floor in the heat of passion and now I love this guy of my dreams but I love kevin because he's real. This guy is my lover when I go to sleep. Well I want to dream again so Bye!

Ha, ha, ha.

Friday, December 25, 1992

December 25, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today was xmas day and I loved it. Kevin gave me a presten mom and dad got us a computer plus I got pants, boots a pillow, a dumbel set, 55$, 10$ Macdonalds gift certificates, 2 pictures, and a cash box for my money.
It was fun because lots of stuff happened. Mike and Phil came over and mike was trying to stop his beer from blowing up so he put it in his mouth and it flew everywhere. My dad was called to work all day today and was out from 11:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night he only came home for an hour to eat supper. I missed him.
Kevin came over and Jesse left me and him alone upstairs and he was holding my hands kissing them while he asked me to go to a new years eve party. I said I would if I wasn't going babysitting. but I'll probably be babysitting. I wish I could go with him and babysit too. Well you know I love him very much. I just can't seem to express my love for him. No one taught me how to show my love and ill never be able too. Well Merry Xmas.

That was 50% depressing and 50% sweet. I wish I had of written what Kevin gave me for xmas.

Wednesday, December 23, 1992

December 23, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today was good I was very exhilerated and I bet you want to know why? Well Kevin was here today and you know how he makes my life feel so worthwhile and he makes me feel safe. I love him. I dream that one day I will mary him and he always says stuff like "You said your husband was going to be a drunken slob drinking 24 hours a day in front of the TV, well thanks." He was refering to a time when I was depressed and said I'd be sterile and poor waiting for my drunken slob, potatoe (couch) husband.
Today he said "Stevens girlfriend is ugly she doesn't use deodorant and is a slut. I think hes using her for sex, which I think is really mean" (unquote) I love him he knows when Im mad and sad and even if someone else is speaking to him and Im talking to myself he'll hear me. He always wants to hear what I have to say. I think he loves me and I know I love him thats for sure.
But there are times I don't like the way he's acting. Like when Steven is around Kevin acts weird like bad, gets high and drinks I mean he drinks alone too but he does all this more when stevens around. I mean I like Steven but its not right. I hate when Kevin does those things I want to dcry right now for it but I won't because I only like to think of the Kevin I love. I will try to help him with all his problems and I hope he'll help me with mine.
One problem I'd like to fix mostly is the (I'm leaving this part out because I don't feel this is the type of thing that's any of my business to tell people and it makes him look like a psycho. He wasn't at all, he was just an angry teenage boy who was going through some shit at the time.). I want to tell him how I feel when he talks like this but it scares me and I think that maybe he will get mad at me. But I will next time. I need to be alone with him more. I have no time longer than 2 mins alone with him ever. I love my Kevin and I want him to be mine forever and ever.
Oh god how I miss him now I missed him for the hour he went home for supper today. I always miss him that's why i need to marry him so I can be with him alone in almost all my spare time. Well anyway I need to speak of someone but Kevin.
Lately I've been good with my family and I've really gotten along with them. Except me and Jesse are growing farther apart. I forgot to tell you Dan and Jason moved back in its nice I guess but now we have twice as much stuff as we did before like dishes, washing machines, New Jasons Stereo (ha, ha the good one thank god) and lots more. Wel I guess I like having my family back together because its cozy. Stephanie (Jasons girlfriend) is like part of the family because she's here everyday but no one minds because everyone likes her alot.
Lately I have been praying every night and Reading. Mostly I pray for the poor starving children and tonight I prayed for Kevin because he said he sinned alot. So I prayed for god to forgive him for his sins. I like the Bible because its like a story and its really interesting. Woman was made as a companion for man you see Adam was lonely and the birds and and animals werent good mates so god took a rib from adam. While he was sleeping and made woman Eve from it. A rib because its equal not from his head to be higher or from his feet to be lower but from his middle to be equal. I myself found that very interesting.
Mom and dad went to moncton today for groceries and Jasons christmas present. They had to buy me tampons. I now go on the rag twice a month for the last two months. Its weird and I hate the fact that I'm on the rag for xmas. Theres no more days till xmas because its now the 24th 2:12am. I've been up a long time. I love xmas and I could sit here all night talking about it. I decorated our tree and I get a lot of compliments on it. I mean it only took me from 12:00 in the afternoon until 6:00 at night. Were getting a computer for xmas and I can't wait.
I can't wait till tomorrow or today I should say either. I'm going to spend my day with Kevin the go to church with mom and Meredith then I'm home to bed if I can sleep well I could ramble on all night but I think 7 pages is enough. Well I'm gonna go so I can dream of being with Kevin like I do every night. Okay Bye. See ya probably tonight or at about 9:00.
p.s. I hope every single person in the whole world has a very happy and nice xmas because i would love it if they did.

Good fucking God!
Okay first things first. I obviously had a guy who liked me quite a bit that I drove away with my emotional retardation. No matter how much effort he put in, I just kept thinking he didn't like me and therefore never showed him how much I liked him.
2nd You can see my need to fix the world all through this one. Except back then it was more like "I'm gonna be a hero". Now it's more like "Why is shit so fucked up and why does no one care?".
3rd Leave it to me to find feminism in the bible.

Monday, December 21, 1992

December 21, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello I miss Kevin so much Im going to make love to him because I want him. My blood boils everytime I see his eyes. Well Im sorry I haven't written in a long time but theres not much to say. I know I passed all my exams with flying colors. Did about a 70 on my science one and about a 60 on my math. Well Im gonna go so Bye.

Flying colors. no.
Makin lurve. no

Monday, December 14, 1992

December 14, 2009

Dear Diary,
Hello today I have decided I'm going to start to write a book when we get our computer. I saw Kevin yesterday but only for about a half hour. The next time I see him if he holds me or anything it will be the first time in 3 weeks but I bet I won't even see him next weekend. Something is keeping him away from me and I want to know what. Bye

I wish I still had these books i would start writing. I wrote one with Rachel. She wrote one chapter and i wrote the next. We got about 4 chapters in and abandoned it. I remember it started with two people making out in an elevator or something.

Saturday, December 12, 1992

December 12, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello sir, today I babysat for two sweet young girls, Julie and Nickole there sweet.
Well anyway I havent really seen Kevin in a week and I havent had close contact with him in 2. I miss him so much and i fear he no longer likes me I'm going to go now because its 2:00 in the morning. Bye

I used to let those two girls tear my hair out styling it. Also their idea of fun was to do their moms aerobics tapes. We used to do aerobics together then they would tear out my hair. Each time I babysat one of them lost a tooth. I started to worry that their parents would think I was doing something to knock them out.

Monday, December 7, 1992

December 7, 2009

Dear Diary,
Hello I want to be a prima ballerina when I grow up. I dance everyday and I keep trying to do some of the fancy moves but they're hard. I'll never give up though because I want this. I wish there was a ballet shcool here in Amherst but no of course not so Ill just have to keep dancing on my own & move then learn at a school when I retire at ballet I will become a ballet teacher. I miss Kevin. I barely saw him at all this weekend it was lonely, very lonely. I miss & love him. I wish I could have him with me everyday.

Wishes don't come true. :(
I ended up taking ballet lessons at a church in Sackville, but was pissed that the class wasn't hardcore enough. Then I lost interest. As usual. At least I wasn't thinking about Kevin for about 5 minutes.

1. To Marry Kevin Arseneau
2. Be a Psychiatrist
3. Have 5 children
4. Have 5 cats
5. Write a book
6. Write a poem and have it published
7. Have my own band & Im singer
8. Play Guitar
9. Play Harmonica
10. Get #1 of Morbius Comic
11. Write a song
12. Get 80% on a science test
13. To be with Kevin in my spare time
14. To be able to tell Kevin I love him
15. To be able to manage money better
16. To live in California with Kevin
17. To be class validictorian
18. To somehow prove to my ex bitch friends that I'm better than them
19. To start eating right
20. To save some poor souls life
21. To be able to jog 1 mile
22. To buy Tarot cards
23. To know more about the druids
24. To be able to have a secret circle
25. To prove the druids built stonehedge
26. To know more about astrology

Ok lets go through these.
1. Nope. We lived together though. Me, him and another guy I dated who was friends with him. Close enough.
2. Nope, not even close.
3. Nope, don't even know if I want any now.
4. Yeah I did this one!
5. Nope
6. Nope, and I'm not looking forward to putting all my cheesy poems into this blog. It's going to be the most embarassing part...even if they all were from around the same time.
7. Nope. I am too shy for this, I have decided to play around and just record shit on my own instead.
8. Still learning...kind of.
9. Not interested anymore.
10. Still looking
11. Done! Done! Done a few times.
12. Once I started to actually care about school this wasn't an issue.
13. He's not here right now so I guess I failed that one.
14. I think I did this, I don't know.
15. I'd say I'm about 50% better
16. Ewww. Fuck California, why did I want to live there?
17. Nope. Too boy obsessed and drug/alcohol obsessed. I got high honours though.. good enough.
18. Who cares, I dropped the grudge, that's better than proving something.
19. Off and on.
20. WTF?
21. I could for a while, but not now.
22. Done
23. Done
24. Done...kind of. No one took it serious but me.
25. LOL, hedge. High hopes.
26. Done!

Tuesday, December 1, 1992

December 1, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello Whats Ups. Not much here except all my teachers hate me they must think Im a real bad kid which Im not. Mrs. Addams failed me because my story didn't end the way it looked like it would in the beginning but that was the point. Oh well Fuck life.
Well I am gonna go cause its tuesday and I want to have sex with Kevin this weekend but I bet he don't even like me. So bye.

*tiger purr* Yeah nothing happened of course. I think I was 14 at this point and still going strong.
So just for the record I didn't fail the year, just got a failing mark on that story. Basically the story was about a guy who rode into town on a horse, only to find it overflowing with vampires. He starts killing them and we are supposed to believe that he got them all. Then at the end there is a twist where we find out the girl he was saving/is in love with is actually a vampire and she bites him as they ride out of town. Pretty standard but teacher said it didn't make sense.

Monday, November 30, 1992

November 30, 1992

Dear Diary,

Hello life sucks. I'm so ugly its not funny. Everything sucks. I am so suicidle its not funny. Well Bye


Thursday, November 26, 1992

November 26, 1992

Dear Diary,
Helli I miss Kevin and I love him so much. All I want to do is be with him. All I ever want to do is be with him. Well anyway. he asked me to go to the movies with him tomorrow. I don't know. I don't want to go because i hate the people he's going with. But I love him and I don't want to let him down. Oh well Ill go if he mentions it again. Bye.

I love you! I love you! Now keep your distance!

I think we went to see Underseige. Steven Seagull's movie. I spelled that wrong on purpose btw.

Monday, November 23, 1992

November 23, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today me and Jesse, Kevin and Steven were on Moms Hide a bed and I was on my Side and Kevin was on his right up agains me caressing me and so on. We couldn't have been any closer unless we were making love. I hope we stay together forever. i love him so much I want this week to fly by so I can see him again.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the term "Making Love". Blech!

Thursday, November 19, 1992

November 19, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello I haven't seen kevin in so long its not funny. I miss him. I want to have him here forever and never miss him ever. I want to marry that guy and Ill try my hardest to do so. I swear. I miss him so much. He's going to ask me to the movies. jesse told me. I wish he know how much I love him. I have to go now so Ill see ya tomorrow when live becomes better because Ill get to see Kevin.

Jesus, this is getting pathetic.

Wednesday, November 18, 1992

November 18, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello Sorry I haven't written in a while I'm just too tired. Here I am at 6pm and Im going to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open.
Well anyway lately Kevin and me haven't spoken much. Its been a week and I mean only today have I spoken to him and I want to see him so bad its not funny. I love him. I want to be with him now. Im so sad i miss him so much but he seems to not like me. Im gonna go now okay. Bye

I wonder if this was the mono I constantly had, or the depression that was starting to really kick in around this point?

Thursday, November 12, 1992

November 12, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello life sucks I havent been to school for 3 days just for the hell of it. Kevin thinks Im mad at him. I thought he was mad at me. Well I have to settle this. Well anyway tomorrow Im going to go see Dracula at the theatre and Im going wtih Holly. I wish or I hope I can ask Kevin to come with me. Well on to the next subject.
Well actually to tell you the truth there is no other subject but here I am writing away in my bed but I wish Kevin was here then I would have lots of subjects.
Yeah, Yeah I know Red & Pink Clash but hey life clashes right. Oh my god. I think Im going crazy...Yup I have a fever Oh No Maybe its the Red & Pink. I'll change.
Oooh Yeah add a little orange cool eh. No? Oh we must have different tastes. So I must find a good subject to write about lets see....Oh I know one.
My favorite show was on last night and Dizzy married his girlfriend. Hope and JD are almost going out there just seeing each other. Well any way What else is there to say?
Can you see this color because I barely can. What a dumb color to make a pen. Yellow. Oh well Ill change so you can see what I'm writing. Here goes, Right now.
Yup Now Im green. Well I love kevin and Never want to be without him thats all I have to say so Im gonna go now ok. Bye from a friend forever and always.
p.s. Ending in plain old normal dull etc Blue for you satisfaction.

Wow. Spent too much time staring at my bedroom wall or something.

Wednesday, November 11, 1992

November 11, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello Kevin doesn't love me I think. Maybe he only likes me. Then theres other times I think maybe were only going out because he knows sooner or later hell get sex from me. Well I don't know Ill see ya tonight.

Sorry i didn't come back that night.

So there it is. The beginning of all my adult fears about love.

Sunday, November 8, 1992

November 8, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today I went to Kevins & me, jesse, Pattie, and Kevin played pool in the barn it was fun. I won everytime but twice and thats a ratio of 2:10. Pretty cool eh!
Well anyway I love Kevin and Ill see him Friday thats when Ill give him our anniversary poem. Well I'm gonna go now so goodbye ok.
OOOh grade 9 math! I wonder if I was correct.

Saturday, November 7, 1992

November 7, 1992

Publish Post
Dear Diary,
Hello its mine and Kevins 1 month Anniversary. Oh God I love him. I don't need any of the stuff I wrote on the fifth. Only what I have now him to be here. I have to find something to give to him for our anniversary. I know. Ill give him a poem. Ill write it now. Bye.
p.s. Screw those other pricks Kevin is the only one Ill ever love.

This calls for a LOL. Just when I think it can't get any better.
I can only imagine what that poem was.

Thursday, November 5, 1992

November 5, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today was alright John Rice loves me. Well he says its love but I don't know. Then Kevin Fisher says he wants to go out with me. He had his head on my shoulder almost kissing my lips let alone my neck. But even though I barely ever see Kevin now and it tempted me real bad to kiss both of them. I didn't. Why?
Most girls would say I was nuts since John is one of the best kissers in my school. But I love kevin. He didn't call tonight and our love is getting boring. I want him to touch me more but I don't even see him during weekdays. Its like Jeckel and Hyde. On weekdays Im going nuts like Hyde (Jeckle?) trying to stay normal from not having his love then on weekends I'm like Hyde normal because he is kissing and touching. I want it to be better I want it to be touching extra better wilder touching and kissing passionate sexfull (?) loving kisses.
I need more spice to keep me alive. I get to see him tomorrow its Friday but he usually only touches me on Saturday. See what I mean its like he picks one day of the week to love me. I mean I know its not on purpose but "I need more spice" I get to see him tomorrow like I said and Ill make moves on him and drag himm off alone so maybe he'll love me and touch me in public. Well Bye.

Spice goddamnit! This dish is boring add more spice!
I don't get the Jeckle and Hyde logic.
I'm going to write a song called "He only touches me on Saturdays". A real heart breaker. It will be like Friday I'm in love, but sexier.
Man I regret not kissing those other boys now. Best kisser in the school for christ sakes and I gave it up!

Wednesday, November 4, 1992

November 4, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin called me again. We talked a long time. I love him. My favorite show was on and It reminded me so much of me & Kevin. I love him and I want to be wtih him right now. I have to go because I want to dream of having his baby and marrying him. Bye

I love him.I love him.I love him.Babies.I love him.Weddings.I love him.I love him.Sex.I love him.I love him.Kissing.I love him.I love him.I love him.I love him.I love him.I love him.I love him.

Monday, November 2, 1992

November 3, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello how are you. After school today Kevin called me. We talked for about an hour about everything that happened in our day. I love him and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to have his children. Yup I really do. Well my favorite show is the heights and now my favorite song from that favorite show is on the Radio. Can you follow that?

Can you follow anything I write?
I remember loving that song so much. "How do you talk to an angel" was the name of it. I looked it up recently and it's fucking terrible. It doesn't even have that "This is one of those songs I loved as a kid" novelty. It just plain blows.

November 2, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today I stayed for lunch at school and I was kind of with kevin and Tina Frasher kissed him on the neck it pissed me off. I hate her. Kevin didn't even move when she left he pretended it was eating thru his skin. But he only did it because he knew I was mad. I love him and all day I've felt dumb about not doing something to Tina.
Ah, ha, ha, ha. That girl would have kicked my ass!

Sunday, November 1, 1992

November 1, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today me and Kevin were alright together but not like I hoped since I wont see him for another week. I love him.
Today I lost a book in his yard. It had all these idea's for poems in it. Its going to be so embarassing when he finds it. Ill have to go get it tomorrow. Well Bye
I used to carry a little notebook in my back pocket. I think it fell out when I was climbing the fence. Yeah then his dad found it. So that's why I still can't look his dad in the eye.
His parents knew our whole fucking relationship I think. He found out I like him because a sheet of paper blew into his yard and his mom found it. I was doodling in my yard one day and I guess one got away. It said JM loves KA on it...so she told him and showed it to him. Shortly after that he asked me out. I thought he asked me out because of a spell I did. I took an apple from the tree in my yard, cut it in half, took a sewing needle put it in the middle of the two pieces. Then I bound the whole thing with twine and hung it back in the tree. There were some words, but I don't remember them now. I think I may have explained this already...maybe not.

Saturday, October 31, 1992

October 31, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today was halloween and we did lots of stuff with candles. Me, Kevin, Steven, & Jesse went egging it was fun. I still can't kiss kevin easily but I can do anything else with him. I guess I have this phobia about kissing. Oh well. I was laying down and i had my head on his arm he was touching my hair and kissing my cheek and neck. I love him. Well Im gonna go write a poem now so ill see ya okay. Goodbye

Yup. I still have the whole "Pretty Woman" thing going on when it comes to kissing. I believe they have a conversation about this in "The Story of Us". The women talk about how they can give out the sex, but can't kiss when they are angry at their husbands.
I feel extremely vulnerable when it comes to kissing. Much more so than during sex. Not that I had sex with Kevin, but it would have been just as easy for me to initiate sex as it would to make it obvious I was looking for a kiss.

Friday, October 30, 1992

October 30, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today is friday and I had two tests. I think I did really good on them both. Kevin wrote me back and it was nice he said he wanted me for xmas too. I love him so much. Im going to write him back now so Ill see ya later. Ok. Well Bye

I was like "Wow an entry that isn't about Kevin", but then I kept reading.

Thursday, October 29, 1992

October 29, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin put his arm around me and said "I would kiss you but you just put a cig butt in your mouth off the ground". We were just like before and he got my note. It said that i loved hiim & that I wanted him for xmas but not in a sex way. I love him.
Well the bad news for today is that he tried to kill himself by toxic fumes from going in his shed and letting the exhause from his bike kill him. When he tol dme I was real mad. Well no I wasn't I was sad. I once asked him never to leave me here alone on earth and he said I promise I won`t. Well he just tried to leave me. Its always that way the only thing I live for the only thing I love trys to leave me. I love him. If I found out he ever died or committed suicide then I would kill myself too because I don`t think I could stand to ever be with out him. I love him and I want always to be with him. I will tell him that in my next note. Im going to go now to write a poem because I have to release some of this stress I have being built up inside now. well tomorrows friday so Ill tell you about me and Kevin.

Good God! WTF?
Was Amherst really that boring? No. I remember having a ton of fun. So why were we all trying to off ourselves?
I'm pretty gross and that tends to make guys cringe around me. I think they are attracted to certain things, and totally blown away by how icky I can be. I wonder why I put a dirty cigarette in my mouth? Sexy.
I wonder if me finally telling him I loved him (by wimping out and writing a note) is what caused him to start paying attention to me again. I'm pretty dense when it comes to this stuff still, but at least now I can tell a guy I like him back if he says it first. I still have no idea about hints and flirting. If it's not totally obvious, I'm totally oblivious.

Wednesday, October 28, 1992

October 28, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin said Hi again. He was here for a few minutes but I don't know if he still likes me or not. I love him and Ill be able to tell tomorrow at noon because he's coming here and i'm going to make sure I go near him alot just to see. Well Bye.
The suspense is killing me.

Tuesday, October 27, 1992

October 27, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello, today Kevin said hi and we smiled and he just kept smiling. I almost cried but i held it in. When I went back to class I couldn't get the feeling out for about half an hour but all day I thought of him. I love him and Ill have him marry me some day I swear. Ill be his wife or Ill be dead. I mean it if I don't marry him ill kill myself. Bye.

Hi! I'm the walking dead, nice to meet you!
Smiles from boys I like still give me this feeling. It's sickening really.
I should probably clarify...I meant the feeling of almost bursting into tears, not the "I need to marry him or I'll kill myself" part.

Monday, October 26, 1992

October 26, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hellow how are you. Im miserable. Its raining both inside my body and outside my house. The weather suits me just fine its so we out you could fall in a puddle and drown. I feel so depressed I wont see Kevin for a long time and now he won't even say Hit to me at school. Its like when he hit his head he lost the fact that we were going out. I'm so scared wahat if he doesn't love me. If he dumps me Im not going to be able to cope. Its hurting so bad right now. Rain is falling from my eyes thunder is coming rom my throaght. I cried last night for an hour. If he dumps me Ill die. Ill be so sad ill be down so long Ill never be able to get back up. God I love him but I cant take thismuch longer. I would commit suicide now if i didn't have kevin. Hes the only reason Im alive. I love him. I have to talk to him. Soon ask him why he doesnt act like he loves me anymore. Why he doesn't even say hi. Then Ill say "Kevin if you don't like me anymore ill understand but dont drag me out, if you don't love me. Dump me." I would be so sad if he did but Sad & Dead is better than confused.
Right now I am so lonely I just don't know how to deal with anything. I begin to cry but Im too tired I can't even have a second tear fall. Im so depressed i don't know how Im going to make it thru tonight let alone the rest of the week. I want to draw, good I have my art class tomorrow Ill be able to draw my feelings like I will do now. Well Bye

Wow. Scary. I really wish I had some sort of hobby other than boys. If I ever have kids I'm forcing them into piano lessons or something. Not really, but ... something.
I can't even comment on the cheese because of the fact that this is so messed. I thought I was messed in the head now, but I've come a long, long, long way. phew!

Sunday, October 25, 1992

October 25, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello today Kevin didn't even hold my hand. I know he still loves me but why did he ignore me today and act the same way he did when we weren't going out. It drove me nuts to have to go through a whole day of him not even touching me. I hate it. Oh God I love him.

Jennifer hates not getting her way. *scowls*

Saturday, October 24, 1992

October 24, 1992

Dear Diary,
hello today me and kevin kissed alot and did all the other stuff we usually do in front of Steven. Well he told me he loved me twice more. Well Bye

This makes it look like we used to "do stuff" in front of Steven...but what it means is he was intimate with me in front of his friend and he didn't feel the need to hide it or be embarassed.

Friday, October 23, 1992

October 23, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello tonight Kevin told me he loved me twice. First I said "Why don't you want me to" do something I can't remember. Then he said because "I love you". Then we were sitting there on the roof and he was kissing my neck and he just said I love you. Peter was over and I was sitting between kevins legs and he had his arms around me and he was kissing me and Peter goes "Do you love her or something" and Kevin goes Yeah, then sarcastically he went "No were just sitting here going at it for nothing". I love Kevin I just can't get up the nerve to tell him So but tomorrow I will tell him. I need to have him here beside me now to be with me. I love him and Im almost positive he loves me. Well Bye.

Wow. I was messed up in the head from warnings by my parents I think. A guy opens up to me and tells me he loves me and I can only be "almost positive" that he is telling me the truth. See what telling your daughters mean things about boys does? It makes them not believe anything nice could ever happen to them. :(
I couldn't tell him back because I was worried it was all a joke, or a scam to get me in bed. I'm still crippled like that. *sigh*
I wish I had just been naieve and got my heart broken instead. I think it probably would have made life a bit easier...but then again...grass, greener, etc.

Wednesday, October 21, 1992

October 21, 1992

Dear Diary,
Sorry its been so long but I usually write about Kevin and I think he doesn't love me anymore. It makes me sad because I never see him and I love him. Im going to write him a note asking him if he still likes me. This is the long weekend and I hope he loves me. Well Bye.

Uh oh.

Saturday, October 17, 1992

October 17, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello how are you. I'm fine today I found a hickey on my cheek. I rubbed it with a comb and it went away. Kevin wouldn't even hold my hand when angela was here tonight. But when she left he kissed my neck and did all he did last night in 10m min tonight. Then he kissed me goodbye. i love him so much. I plan on marrying him so much its not funny but if we ever broke up I would die. I love the feel of his arms around me and his lips on my neck and cheek etc. I just love him I don't think ill ever stop because I love him.
Apparently I loved him or something.
Back then I thought he was shy around Angela, now I wonder if it wasn't something else...or maybe I just have lower self esteem now than I did then. Which would be really sad...but is probably true.

Friday, October 16, 1992

October 16, 1992

Dear Diary,
Hello how are you. Im fine & in love. Tonight I frenched Kevin & he had his hand up my shirt in the back and was holding me very close caressing me and kissing my neck so on. I love him and when he touched my bare skin I wanted him to take me to my room and make love to me. I love him so much I want to go so I can go to bed and in the morning Ill see him. Well Bye.
p.s. Me and Kevin were up on my bed and he was sitting on the edge and I was laying beside him on the bed sideways and we were talking.
Movin' fast! I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did before actually having sex.