Tuesday, July 23, 1991

November 17, 91

Dear Diary,
Hi I left this page for the reason that I would write a few months later. We're friends with Jill and Erin and Shannon and Kelly. The skaters are the guys we hang with and I saw Buffy only a few times. Grade 8 is alright. i love a lot of guys and they are in my new diary but you will always be my best friend as far as Im concerned your body transferredinto the other diary.

Wow. I went out of my way to not hurt my diaries feelings but called all my friends bitches behind their backs. Ah well. I was a kid. I learned....mostly. Stay tuned for the next diary!

This has a list of boys I liked. They received a 1 for love, 1/2 for like and a heart for madly love.

Monday, July 22, 1991

July 22, 91

Dear Diary,
Hi this is my very last entry. Ive never filled a diary before so its really weird. I love Geoff and always will. i dream of Geoff and love him. I left you a joke I think suites me and a bunch of my favorite poems so its farewell at the end of this page. I love you and you are one of my best friends. Im sorry we have to say goodbye but this is what it seems so Im glad you kept all my personal secrets and never told anyone. I love you and Rachel and Jenelle will always be my very best friends. I love you.
Luv your long time friend,
Jennifer Megeney

Awww. It's sad when things come to an end. Anyway here are some of my favorite poems at the time. Watch as I warp my brain into a romantic depression.

To Helen
by: Edgar Allen Poe
Helen, thy beauty is to me
Like those Nicean barks of yore,
That gently, o'er a perfumed sea,
To his own native shore.

On desperate seas long wont to roam,
Thy hyacinth hair, thy classic face,
Thy Naiad airs have brought me home
To the glory that was Greece
And the grandeur that was Rome.

Lo! in yon brilliant window-niche
How statue-like I see thee stand,
The agate lamp within thy hand!
Ah, Psyche, from the regions which
Are Holy Land!

Frankie And Johnny, Anonymous.

Frankie and Johnnie were lovers,
O, my Gawd, how they could love,
They swore to be true to each other,
As true as the stars above;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie was a good woman,
As everybody knows,
Gave her man a hundred dollars,
To get him a suit of clothes;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie and Johnnie went walking,
Johnnie in his bran' new suit,
"Oh, my Gawd," said Frankie,
"But don't my Johnnie look cute?"
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie went down to Memphis,
Went on the morning train,
Paid a hundred dollars,
Got Johnnie a watch and chain;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie lived in a crib-house,
Crib-house with only two doors,
Gave her money to Johnnie,
He spent it on those parlour whores;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie went down to the corner,
Went for a bucket of beer,
She said, "Oh, Mr. Bar-tender,
Has my loving Johnnie been here?
He is my man, and he's done me wrong."

"I won't make you no trouble,
I won't tell you no lie,
But I saw Johnnie an hour ago
With a girl named Nellie Bly;
He is your man, and he's doing you wrong."

Frankie went to the hock-shop,
Bought her a big forty-four,
Aimed that gun at the ceiling,
Shot a big hole in the floor;
"Now where's my man that's doing me wrong?"

Frankie went down to the hook-shop,
Looked in at a window so high,
There she saw her Johnnie,
Loving up Nellie Bly,
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie went up to the front door,
She rang the front-door bell,
Said, "Stand back, all you chippies,
Or I'll blow you all to hell;
I want my man, who's done me wrong."

Frankie went into the hook-shop,
She didn't go there for fun,
'Cause underneath her kimona
She toted that forty-four gun;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie looked in at the keyhole,
And there before her eye,
She saw her Johnnie on the sofa,
A loving up Nellie Bly;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie threw back her kimona,
Took out the little forty-four,
Roota-toot-toot, three times she shoot,
Right through that hardwood door;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Johnnie grabbed off his Stetson,
Said, "Oh, Gawd, Frankie, don't shoot!"
But she pressed hard on the trigger,
And the gun went roota-toot-toot;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

"Roll me over easy,
Oh, roll me over slow,
Roll me over on my right side,
'Cause my left side hurts me so."
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

"Bring out your rubber-tyred buggy,
Bring out your rubber-tyred hack,
I'll take my man to the graveyard,
But I won't bring him back;
He was my man, but he done me wrong."

They brought out the rubber-tyred hearses,
They brought out the rubber-tyred hack,
Thirteen men went to the graveyard,
But only twelve came back;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

"Bring 'round a hundred policemen,
Bring 'em around to-day,
And lock me in that jail-house,
Then throw the key away;
I shot my man, 'cause he done me wrong.

"I've saved up a little money,
I'll save up a little more,
I'll send it all to his widow,
And say it's from the girl next door;
He was my man, but he done me wrong."

Frankie went to the madame,
She fell down on her knees,
"Forgive me, Mrs. Halcome,
Forgive me, if you please;
I've killed my man, 'cause he done me wrong."

"Forgive you, Frankie darling?
Forgive you I never can.
Forgive you, Frankie darling,
For shooting your only man?
For he was your man, though he done you wrong."

Frankie went to the coffin,
Looked down at his face,
Said, "Oh, Lord, have mercy on me,
I'd like to take his place;
He was my man, but he done me wrong."

A rubber-tyred buggy,
A rubber-tyred hack,
Took poor Frankie to the jail-house
But it didn't bring her back;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

Frankie sat in her prison,
Had no electric fan,
Told her little sister,
Never marry no sporting man;
"I had a man, but he done me wrong."

The Sheriff took Frankie to the gallows,
Hung her until she died,
They hung her for killing Johnnie,
And the undertaker waited outside;
She killed her man, 'cause he done her wrong.

Where the bee sucks Where the bee sucks, there suck I;
In a cowslip's bell I lie;
There I couch when owls do cry.
On the bat's back I do fly
After summer merrily.
Merrily, merrily shall I live now
Under the blossom that hangs on the bough.
-- William Shakespeare

MUSIC, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory;
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.
Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heap'd for the belov├Ęd's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.
-P.B. Shelly

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality. We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility. We passed the school, where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun. Or rather, he passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle. We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound. Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.
-Emily Dickinson


by: William Butler Yeats

      HEN you are old and grey and full of sleep,
      And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
      And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
      Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
      How many loved your moments of glad grace,
      And loved your beauty with love false or true,
      But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
      And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
      And bending down beside the glowing bars,
      Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
      And paced upon the mountains overhead
      And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

I have a rendezvous with Death
At some disputed barricade,
When Spring comes back with rustling shade
And apple-blossoms fill the air-
I have a rendezvous with Death
When Spring brings back blue days and fair.

It may be he shall take my hand
And lead me into his dark land
And close my eyes and quench my breath-
It may be I shall pass him still.
I have a rendezvous with Death
On some scarred slope of battered hill,
When Spring comes round again this year
And the first meadow-flowers appear.

God knows 'twere better to be deep
Pillowed in silk and scented down,
Where love throbs out in blissful sleep,
Pulse nigh to pulse, and breath to breath,
Where hushed awakenings are dear...
But I've a rendezvous with Death
At midnight in some flaming town,
When Spring trips north again this year,
And I to my pledged word am true,
I shall not fail that rendezvous.

-Alan Seeger

Where the Blue Horses - Raymond Souster
The street is quiet
The noise through the wall is stilled
The little cat curled up in the chair
Radio turned off, Milk bottles outside the door

And for now
Nothing but sleep and dreams and thoughts of sleep
Not even love keeps us awake tonight

As we siink into that strange land
Where the blue horses toss
Riderless and Proud


One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

The Constant Lover - Sir John Suckling

OUT upon it, I have loved
Three whole days together!
And am like to love three more,
If it prove fair weather.

Time shall moult away his wings
Ere he shall discover
In the whole wide world again
Such a constant lover.

But the spite on 't is, no praise
Is due at all to me:
Love with me had made no stays,
Had it any been but she.

Had it any been but she,
And that very face,
There had been at least ere this
A dozen dozen in her place.

A Rose in Winter

A crimson bloom in winter's snow
Born out of time, like a maiden's woe,
Spawned in a season when the chill winds blow.

'Twas found in a sheltered spot,
Bright sterling gules and blemished not,
Red as a drop o' blood from the broken heart.

Of the maiden who waits and weeps atop the tor,
Left behind by yon ardent knight sworn to war,
'Til ajousting and aquesting he goes no more.

Fear not, Sweet Jo, amoulderin' on the moor.
The winter's rose doth promise in the fading runes of yore,
That true love once found will again be restored.

-Kathleen E. Woodiwiss from "A Rose In Winter"

Lake Twilight - R.J. Shoeck

Now on the evening lake
Slowly, quiet has come down
With the drifting current.

Turn and glide, are splashes
In the flow, carve their passage.

Gone out of sight the birch canoe
Forever now unknown

Perhaps too much alone in this
Blue half-light I flowed
With mortal sight some flashes

Out there across the water
The mind has always to alter
Reality, to see whatever

It has a hunger for
Mind is a hungry eye, as ??
needing water or fire.

July 22, 91

I'm not even typing this one out. It's just a repeat of the same poem I wrote about Geoff and underneath it says:
This is a poem I wrote from my only love Geoff W. I just hope one day I can tell it to him so he will love me as much as I love him.
The grossest part of all this is that I don't even think he spoke to me once, or even knew my name. Hell I don't even think he would have recognized my face if someone was pointing me out to him. I don't think this love was about him at all since I didn't even know him or speak to him. Basically I think it was just me finding an outlet for all of those intense feelings of horny that I was dealing with at the time. I worry that I still do this to myself today.

July 21, 91


Dear Diary,
Here's my dream: ~~~
Its the last day of school Rachel brings Geoff over to me and says you guys are my two friends so you have to know each other. So she says go sit on that bench over there and talk. so we go over and he says "hi" and I say "hi how are you" he says "fine" then he says "so schools out for the summer" and I say "yup". Then he says "who do you like" I say "I can't tell you" he says "oh do you like them alot" and I say "yes listen to the poem I made for him" but when I say it I say it with the Geoff covered over with someone. Then I cry and he puts my head on his shoulder and says "why are you crying". I say "because the person I like is going to grade 9 and I wont see him till Im in grade 9". He says "same here only the person I like is now in grade 8" I say "who" and he says "I cant tell unless I know who you like because I like her a lot". I say "I dont want to know who you like anyway because Ill hate her because I love you". Then he says "I guess youll hate yourself then because I love you" then we hug and I cry again. I say "Can you coe to my house tonight" he says "yeah" and we keep talking.
Rachel says to her other friends "there getging aquainted fast". Then she comes to get me and says buy to Geoff and while were walking home she says "too bad you wont see him till grade 9" and I say "no way hes coming over tonight". She says "oh my god call me when he leaves ok" and I say "ok" and go in to my house and call him to come over.
He comes over and we make love and he gives me an engagement ring and as soon as Im 18 we are going to marry. It was my best dream ever.

I just threw up in my mouth a little.
This obviously was more of a daydream than a dream. In fact if I'm being completely honest well...I remember using it as a masturbation fantasy....well the foreplay part anyway. This was around the time that I discovered why I liked to rub up against my stuffed animals in bed. I'd been doing it for a while (a year or two) but hadn't really put two and two together yet. It was around this time that I realized it was a sexual thing, and thats why I felt the need to hide it and not talk about it with anyone. Maybe the guilt is why I felt the need to immediately be engaged afterwards. ha ha. In later years these fantasies became much less focused on marriage and way more detailed in the filth department.
Oh and on the next page is my recreation of a Calvin and Hobbes comic that spoke to me at the time. The next year I did a speech for grade 8 english and I did it about Calvin and Hobbes books. I hope that this hasn't forever caused you to associate Calvin and Hobbes with images of me masturbating.

Sunday, July 21, 1991

July 21, 91

Dear Diary,
Hi its the same day Im back and I didn't write the letter but I will some day. Anyway I love Geoff. I think once this page is gone Ill make a chart to rate my friends because I want to see what I think of them in 20 years. Not friends but boys cause I only have 2 friends Jenelle and Rachel. Well here goes.
I guess I love only Geoff. Have you eer had a dream. I have and its to marry Geoff Ive never wanted to marry anyone before I also want to make love to him and carry and give birth to his child. Ive never felt like this about anyone before except him. I think for the first time inmy life Ive really fallen in love. Well Ive really fallen in love and Im hoelessly his. Its tre love this time> So tehre I have to tell Rachel.
What to write what to write at this time of the night because theres not much to write its true. I really love Geoff and cant think of anything else except I wont see him again until Grade 9 next year and I hate it because I love him and crave for him all the time thats how much I love my Geoff.
Oh How I love thee my dear Geoff. Thy sould that haunts my life. They heart i crave oh how I love thee Geoff.Thy eyes that brighten my soul. Thy kindness that warms my heart. oh how I love thee Geoff. Thy strength I am saved Bye. They smile I dream of. Oh how i love thee Geoff. They love I cry for at night. How I love thee an thyself. They love & soul and hart how I crave and dream and cry for thee. Thou art my savior Geoff.
Oh I even made a poem up easily about him. I am really in love I am sickly in love and in need of you my dear sweet Geoff. Thou art my savior Dear sweet Geoff. For he is my savior. I don't know what I would do with out him because every time I want to end my life I think of how I can see him next year and spare myself. Because I want to see him hes my love. i hope and pray I grade so I can see him. I love him so and he's my love.
Well anyway I just put loads of cream on Merediths leg and she dont know. I guess Ill go till tomorrow cause thats my last night to write in this thing and I will look back in 20 years and laugh my head off. Bye.

Oh my god that was hard to type. I was right. I am looking back in 20 years and laughing my head off...well almost 20. 18 years is close enough I'd say. Sickening, just sickening. I was reading a lot of Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Emily Dickenson at the time so thats probably why I was all dramatic and using thy and thee every five seconds. Thou art my savior. Thats some scary shit right there. Notice the suicide talk. Maybe talking like that from a young age and reading poetry where they talked about that, is what warped my mind and created this depression that I now have to struggle with for the rest of my life. Maybe not. More than likely I was just drawn to that shit because it made me feel understood and like less of a freak for the way my brain was developing.
I'm still shaking my head at this one. I'm scared the next one is just going to be worse.

July 21, 91

Dear Diary,
Hi I love geoff and for all the guys I loved who dumped me heres a song by my hero Tanya Tucker.

Your life always gets messed up it said in a magazine I read
When you lover hangs around on his side of the bed
But baby this time I don't really care
Honey no more beds will I have to share
And I know youll think that Ill be going out of my Mind
Crying you a rive`r of miles and miles and miles
Oh but baby Im down to my last tear drop this time
I don't care who or what you doin
Aint gonna be no more boo hooin
Cause baby this time I swear its the truth
I aint gonna cry no more for you
uh uh.
Now I know where Im going baby
I know where Ive gone
Ive been rearanging chairs on a ship thats going down
Baby just step aside for a minute
Honey cause if you don't your gonna get it
And you might want to talk to me you might want to call
But you wont hear a single word from me at all
Cause baby this time I swear its the truth
Honey this is not no sleuth
And I know you think that ill be going out of my mind
Cryin you a river of miles and miles and miles
But baby Im down to my last tear drop this time
I dont care who or what your doing aint gonna be no more boo hooin
Cause baby this time I swear its the truth
I aint gonna cry no more for you
Cause baby I'm down to my last tear drop
Cause baby I'm down to my last tear drop
Cause baby I'm down to my last tear drop this time.

It suits them all Tanya Tucker is my favorite country singer.
Well anyway Rachels back for the whole summer because she broke her coller bone and cant baby sit. I just read an excellent book its called stepsister by R.L. Stine. On the front it has the girl reading the stepsisters diary. I borrowed it from Rachel and she borrowed from me two of my books.
I wrote Geoff a love letter in the back. my other song its about my 6th favorite is hopelessly yours.

I love you I hate you i dont know for sure
But youve got me hurtin cause Ill always be hopelessly yours.
Then theres shes in love with the boy heres one verse
Her daddys waiting up till half past twelve when they come sneaking up the walk
He says young lady get on up to your room while me and junior have a talk.
Momma breaks in says don`t loose your temper it wasn`t long ago
When you your self was just a hastey cowboy who didnt have a road of hope
My daddy says you was not work a lick
When it come to brains you got the short end of the stick.
But he was wrong and Man you are too
Katy looks at Tommy like I still look at you
Shes in love with the boy,
Shes in love with the boy
And even if they have to run away
Shes gonna marry that boy some day
What meant to be be will always find a way
Shes gonna marry that boy some day.

Then theres my number 10 House of love. Ill sing the corus for you ok.

Your love is pourin through the wind
Comin through the door
I can feel it creepin through the cracks in the floor
Bouncin off the walls adn the ceilin up above
Since I found you Im livin in a house of love.

Silver and Gold
I met an old man walkin down the street
His clothes were torn and tattered with sandels on his feet
So I stopped to help him and lend him a hand
He said I love you so much but you must understand
he said
Silver and Gold might buy you a home
But things of this world wont last you long
And time has a way of turning your soul
And time cant be bought back with silver and gold.
he said you can`t change this old world but people need to know
That a dear savior died here a long time ago.
He said
His eyes shone like diamonds his smile was heaven sent
His hair was long and flowing and his back was slightly bent
& I knew he knew it cause that day I changed
And as I watched him walk on I forgot to get his name
He said
Silver and Gold can`t buy you a home
When this life has ended and your time is gone
You can live in a world where youll never grow old
And time can`t be bought back with silver and gold.

I cant help but sing all these songs theres more too. I watched CMT Country Music Television all day yesterday and today. Im leaving for the states on the 27th. I can`t wait because its going to be so fun I have to fill this diary before I go because Illl have a new one and I don`t have to cut off most of my days. This wont hold all the things Im going to do up there. Theres only 32 pages left thats not even enought for a page a day. Plus inmy new diary Ill write about 10 pages just about how pretty the scenery is every day. So thats because it is really pretty up there and ILl love to look out the windows and see all the fields and trees. That will be 370 pages right there plus about 20 pages for on the way up and down every day.
My fish Axie is sick for the 2nd time and I really hope she makes it. Shes relly sick. Well anyway tomorrow Ill be at Nans. Im staying over tonight so Ill be back later o.k. Bye
Dear Diary,
Hi I`m here and I am having a nice time so far but ill have to get back to you later because I need to write my second letter to Geoff in the back.

Yes I am ashamed to say I had a hardcore country stage where I only listened to country for like 6 months straight. I remember when we went to visit my aunt in the US i actually bought the cassette tape that had that Silver and Gold song by Dolly Parton on it. It was in one of those cages at a gas station when we were on our way home again and I begged for it (because I blew all my money already) and my mom caved and got it for me. I also had a tape by some younger lady with long very red hair. That tape was my favorite and I cannot remember who she was or even the name of any of the songs to look up who she was. I loved her hair though.
(I looked it up by typing in red hair, country singer 1991) Apparently it was Kelly Willis and the album I owned and loved was called Bang Bang.

Doesn't seem like anything special now though.

I'm glad I had a good appreciation for nature. I don't know why I thought I would be filling whole diaries talking about trees. Who the hell did I think I was Anne Shirley or something. Its amazing how much I copied the writing of the girls from books. I wanted to be so romantic.

Tuesday, July 9, 1991

July 9, 91

Hello I still love Geoff W. thats Buffy but his real name is Geoff W. & I love him. I wish I could have got to know him but I did't and I love him. Well any way I passed and Quebec was really fun Ill give you the pictures when I get them developed. All over my bed in paint it says I love Geoff. Ill get killed if Mom or dad ever see it. My very best friend Rachel is gone all summer and Im leaving for the states on the 20th by Myself.
me Jenelle and Rachel got rid of Jill for good and we don't care that she's hanging around with shannon h. She would never come back shes too proud. Wo we will never ever have another fight. me Jenelle or Rachel because Jill caused them all.
God Im so much in love with Tony I just can't stand it. I can't believe on Aug 6 it wil be one year. For Buffy on July 11 it will be one month or on July 6 sorry. It now 1 month and 3 days.
Well I guess Ill go because theres not much room left. Bye.

Yeah Jill started hanging out with a cooler crowd. If it was a movie from the 80's they would have been the prettier more expensive girls. This wasn't the end though. We would be reunited.
I don't ever remember going to the U.S. to visit my aunt alone. I must have just meant without my friends. Now on to the way more embarassing stuff.

Dear Geoff,
I know you are a year or 2 older than I am but does that matter. I want to be your girlfriend I love you so much and all. So would you please just give me a chance only one. Youll only have to go out with me one day and kiss me once and if you don't like me Ill never bug you again but just try me because no matter what Ill always love you.
Luv Jennifer
p.s. I love you so very much please just one day just one chance. I love you Geoff.

This was never sent of course. I am so glad I was shy and had low self esteem. If this shit had ever gotten out at the time I would have been the biggest loser. I was just a kid writing things that I saw in movies and read in books. Still it's embarassing, imagine how much more embarassing it would be to look back and remember people passing it around class laughing at it. I remember people who had that stuff done to them when they opened their hearts. I learned from their lessons luckily.