Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Do you have old diaries?

I would love to read 'em. So if your bored and create a Cringe blog please send me the link. Old crappy teenage poetry is cool too, letters, anything. Entertain me.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Dates

This blog is posted with the original dates of the diary entries. If you want to read it from start to finish then start at the archives and scroll through that way. If you start here you will end up going backwards.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

What is this Blog?

So I was reading about this thing called Cringe in Bust or Bitch magazine a few months ago and wanted to do it so badly. I thought about starting my own group but decided that probably wouldn't go over very well here in Saint John. So I decided to do it as a blog instead. This also makes it so I always have a copy of this stuff.
There is a description of Cringe here. But basically this is the gist of it:

"Cringe is a monthly reading series hosted by Sarah Brown at Freddy’s Bar & Backroom in Brooklyn. On the first Wednesday of each month, brave souls come forward and read aloud from their teenage diaries, journals, notes, letters, poems, abandoned rock operas, and other general representations of the crushing misery of their humiliating adolescence. It’s better and cheaper than therapy."

I decided to type out the entries as well as scan the pages. I think the handwriting is too terrible for just the scanning, and I think the typing would not be as fun to look at. I want you to see the boy's names scrawled in the corner, or the little remarks I make to myself that cut my self-esteem.

This blog is called Littly Missy because I couldn't think of anything better. I may change that tomorrow. Basically my mom used to call me Missy when I was bitchy or did something wrong. That name reminds me of my childhood and bitchy, whiney times, just like these diary entries do. I added the "little" because it's me when I'm little. So little bitchy whiney me. Not much has changed. ;)

Here we go.

Wednesday, May 18, 1994

May 18, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello, I am going to describe yesterday in better detail.
Well I was in math when Doug called my name. I turned and he told me to come here. I didn't and he asked me what question we were supposed to do on the board. I told him. Then he told me to come here again so I did. Then he asked me if I liked Superchunk. I said "yeah why?" He said "Because I have a couple songs by them. Mover and On the Mouth".
Now all this time I just wanted to die. I kept making sure i wasn't going to faint.
So then I told him what ones I had and he said that they were good so I smiled and he said "Okay thanks for listening" in a joking kind of way. I said "Yup no problem".
Then in English I was giving Holly my zines and he asked me sommething about Superchunk and I gave him their mailorder catalogue. he read it and asked if I had given it to him to keep. I said yes and he said "really?" and I said yeah and he said thanks.
Then someone asked me what the zine was. I said it was my life and he said "Your life?" In the most serious way you could imagine.
It was weird. I thought all this was great but then science was the best class I have ever had.
I came into class and was waiting for the teacher to let me use the washroom. Doug came in an dasked me if I wanted ot hear the Superchunk song. I said "Yearh just a second" and went to the washroom. At the end of class he sked me again and I went over and he gave me the headphones (the machine was still on his belt). I put them on an dhe turned it on. the song was so good. I smiled real hard so that I wouldn't make an idiot of myself and jump up and down.
Anyway while i was listening to the song I couldn't help but think of how much I loved Doug but then someone called him and he took the machine off his belt and handed it to me. That felt so weird because it was like he was giving me his life (to me music is life). So he went back with that guy and they were looking at me while they talked (I wondered what they were talking about). So when he came back the bell rang and I couldn't find the stop button I was so excited. When I gave him back the walkman I asked him what tape that was off of. It was off mower. I said "I'm getting that when I get the money". He said "it's only $10". I said "Yeah but I'm poor". He said "Yeah me too". Then I left because I had to and I haven't seen him since.
He's 17 and I'm only 15 but he was born March 25 and I was born Sept 20th so its really only a year difference.
I really love him but I hope that Jill dosn't go on the field trip on the same day as us because I would rather cut my eyes out than see him with her. It hurts to see him with her. I don't think I could live with it if I had to see them together all day at the beach on our field trip. She doesn't know how lucky she is. I don't like her so I'm not gonna wish I wa her but I wish I was in her place.
I'll really miss Doug if I don't have him love me by the end of the year. I think that I will die. I swear.

Favorite music memory ever. Even better than the time I listened to Billy Idols greatest hits while having sex and it repeated at least 7 times before we got up to turn it off.
Mower. I still don't own it. I should.
I can see now what my problem is. I find something to relate to a guy I like. Instead of using it as an in, and then showing interest in him. I obsess over the thing we are talking about and he never has any idea I'm obsessing over him in my head. *sigh* I'm bad at flirting.

Tuesday, May 17, 1994

May 17, 1994

This is one of my favorite musical memories. :)

Dear Journal,
Hello today in math Doug asked me what tapes I had by Superchunk. We talked a while and then I gave him a catalogue for their music. Then he had a song by them taped an dhe let me listen to it on his walkman. I love him. he is going out with Jill but it doesn't bug me anymore. I don't care. I love him.
I hope he has the best life in the world thats all I want. I want him to be happy because I love him. I know I still want him and I may get him but I just want him to be happy.

Oh I didn't go into detail. I do that in the next entry.

Monday, May 16, 1994

May 16, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I still love Doug but there is this other guy Brian who calls me and I only like him as a friend.
Anyway I think Doug likes me but of course I say this everyday and it doesn't come true. But I love him and I need him.
I got two CDs today and I would die if anything happened to one of them. They are Sonic Youth "Experimental Jet Set Trash and No Star" and Hole "Live Through This". Well I'll have to drop some hints to Doug and hope he takes them and likes me. So I'll see you soon.
Uh oh. This is where the story of my fucked up vagina begins.

Dirty was my first Sonic Youth Album, I got it at the same time I got my Breeders, and Smashing Pumpkins Cd's. That was the christmas of 1993.

Wednesday, May 11, 1994

May 11, 1994

Dear Journal,
Hello I only saw Doug in one class today. Because I really miss him I think I'm gonna die.
I really wanted him to tell me he loved me. I really need that a lot. I have a speech I have to do in front of the class and I don't think I can do it. I'll fuck up majorly and I know I'll start to cry and everyone will hate me even more than they do now. I can't do it. I hurt just thinking aout it. I'd really like to die sometimes. The other times I just want to die. (I took out the really)
I have to go because its really late and I have to dream of Doug and see him in the morning.

Suicide is painless!
I don't remember being afraid of doing a speech. I don' t think I was scared to get up in front of the class, I was just scared to make an ass of myself in front of him again.